Updates! Updates! Updates!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I apologize for the lack of updates lately. See, I've been spending the Christmas season ice skating, eating, and getting drunk. And since the season isn't actually officially over, I have yet more getting drunk to do.

Rest assured that I have and still am accumulating good stories to tell, and they will all be told in due time for your reading pleasure.

But for now, though, I am going to rest. More fun awaits!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Seasons Greetings My Loyal Subjects!

Have a Merry Imperial Christmas to you all!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Cabbit is on Pet Society!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Facebook is a good thing. Not only is it a great place to show off to people you pretend to be friends with, but it provides fun, entertaining games for when you are waiting for you module to upload, your web server to restart, or while on a flight path in World of Warcraft.

This is why I don't understand why companies ban Facebook from their networks. I do have the imperial belief that it keeps the employees' minds from stagnating. Anyway, fortunately for me, I am un self-employed, so I can access Facebook whenever I want.

One of the games I enjoy playing on Facebook is Pet Society. Here you create your very own weird looking pet thingy, then you take care of it and play with it and basically do stuff with it.

So anyway, I decided to make my Pet Society pet look like Cabbit. Here is her photo:

As you can see, Cabbit is actually THE Cabbit, as in Ryo-Ohki the cat-rabbit from Tenchi Muyo. I wouldn't be surprised if she is the only one of her kind in existence in the motherland. The Imperial Consort gave her to me as a ward against evil spirits and annoying persons. I take her with me wherever I go, even whenever I go into exile.

Needless to say, Cabbit and I are quite close ^_^

Anyway, here is the Pet Society version of Cabbit:

I did a pretty good job, if I must say so myself.

Cabbit, of course, hated it. She said she's much prettier than this crappy video game representation of her. So to express her displeasure, she wrote this note on her status page.

She calmed down a little after I put a t-shirt on her avatar. See, she loves clothes, never mind the fact that she is a Ryo-Ohki plushie and about the only things she could wear are baby hats and baby mittens. (She also resents the fact that the Imperial Dog owns more clothes than she does.)

One day, the Head Imperial Assassin's pet Belleblossom gave Cabbit a visit.

Cabbit, of course, didn't fail to notice Belleblossom's snazzy wig. She then dragged me to the clothing store because she wanted me to buy one for her.

But before I would spend my hard earned coins, I wanted to make sure that it actually looked decent on her. So I had her try it on.

Because I refused to have Cabbit look like a mop, I didn't buy it for her.

Later, Cabbit updated her status page.

Isn't she cute?

I must bid you farewell for now, my loyal subjects, because Cabbit needs a bath... and another carrot... and I think she's eying the new Christmas wear in the clothing store...

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Racism in MMOs

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I took my priestess out on an instance run one night in the hopes of finding non-ridiculous looking headgear. In my group were a gnome warrior and a dwarf paladin. Because of the wonder of the brand new Dungeon Finder introduced in patch 3.3, the warrior was assigned tank while the paladin was assigned DPS. This did not sit well with the paladin, however, because he kept pulling mobs before the warrior can. This, of course, pissed the warrior off.

"Please remember that I am TANK."

To which the paladin replied,

"Please remember that you are GNOME."

He then began a tirade on how gnomes are unsuitable tanks because they are too small, then started spouting off nasty short jokes. After a few minutes of this the night elf druid couldn't take anymore and said,

"Dude, you're a dwarf, you're like, one foot taller."

The paladin, of course, refused to lose the argument.

Paladin: But gnomes are the smallest in the game.
Druid: Not for long.
Paladin: Goblins are taller than gnomes.
Druid: No, they're the same height.
Paladin: Goblins are taller because of their ears.

Because of my laggy connection, and because the two DPS are arguing instead of actually doing DPS, the group, except for the paladin died.

Druid: Okay, who can resu?
Warrior: The DWARF can.
Paladin: Call me "paladin", not "dwarf", you little racist!

Which brings me to my little topic. What's with all the racism in online games? Don't we have enough of this in the real world? Sure, everyone's a little bit racist sometimes, doesn't mean we go about committing hate crimes (Avenue Q rocks!), but still. Calling Tauren cows and Accretians tin cans? That's insulting! Players have feelings too!

And besides, everyone is equal no matter what your race is. After all, you all are nothing but specks of dust at my imperial feet.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Character Classes

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, I loaded the Imperial Consort, Imperial Brother and Imperial Dog in the imperial car so we can go to a certain 15 pound one-year-old's birthday luau. Along the way, the Imperial Consort and Imperial Brother were engaged on a conversation.

Brother: I think I want to try out Star Wars: The Old Republic when it comes out.
Consort: Cool. What are the character classes?
Brother: Trooper, Smuggler, Jedi Knight and Jedi Consular for The Galactic Empire, and Bounty Hunter, Sith Warrior, Imperial Agent, and Sith Inquisitor for the Sith Empire.

At this point, I found my imperial brain automatically translating the character classes to their "proper" names:

"Trooper (Tank), Smuggler (Range DPS), Jedi Knight (Melee DPS), Jedi Consular (Magic DPS)."

"Bounty Hunter (Tank), Sith Warrior (Melee DPS), Imperial Agent (Range DPS), Sith Inquisitor (Magic DPS)."

So anyway, the conversation continued.

Consort: Have you tried Neo Steam yet?
Brother: What classes do they have?
Consort: Warriors, Mystics, Machinists, and Scouts.

The imperial brain translates:

"Warriors (Tank), Mystics (Magic DPS), Machinists (Crafter), Scouts (Range DPS)."

The point is, though I greatly enjoy the fancy names, I discovered that my imperial brain automatically categorizes everything as either Tank, Melee DPS, Range DPS, Magic DPS, Healer, or Crafter...

Excuse me, my loyal subjects, while I lock myself in the imperial bedchamber and ponder the mysteries of my imperial online gaming life.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Exhausting Imperial Weekend

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I just went through an action packed weekend, which included the following activities:

1) Making fun of an innocent person whose only crime was to mistake me for someone they knew from the distant past. The Head Imperial Chambermaid and I came up with loads of nasty insults aimed at said innocent person, making the Imperial Ambassador uncomfortable and wish he wasn't part of the conversation. I even laughingly told them that bad karma will hit me during skating practice, making me wipe out and painfully land on my bum when I do my toe loop attempts.

2) Skating practice. I landed my first (uncheated!) salchow jump. I also did toe loop attempts, and yes, bad karma did hit me and I did wipe out, painfully landing on my bum.

3) Serving as imperial life guard at a certain 15 pound one-year-old's birthday luau. My job was to hang out at the deep end of the pool, making sure none of the 15 pound one-year-old's little friends strayed too far from the shallow end. If they did end up straying too far from the shallow end, I was to make sure that they drown so they wouldn't have a chance to grow up and pass on their idiot genes to their would-be offspring. I also had to do all that while carrying said 15 pound one-year-old in my arms, making sure we both do not drown.

4) Getting imperially drunk at a party. See, I was trying to get myself to stop making fun of the innocent person stated in 1). Unfortunately, the alcohol only made the pranks and comments like, ten times nastier.

Needless to say, I am imperially tired. I will now hit the imperial sack and try to recover my imperial energy.

Regular imperial programming will resume tomorrow.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Crazy Headgear

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Part of the fun in playing World of Warcraft is going into instanced dungeons and finding rare gear.

Some time ago, I had my new priestess join a group headed into Gnomeregan. It was fun of course, and the group loved my epic heals as usual. Then we faced the final boss, Mekgineer Thermaplugg. And defeated him, of course.

When we looted his corpse, we found an Electromagnetic Gigaflux Reactivator. I won the roll, and I was so happy to be able to wear my first rare headgear. Until I actually wore it. And it looked like this:

That is not my priestess, that is a random gnome wearing an Electromagnetic Gigaflux Reactivator. But anyway, the point is it looked ridiculous on my imperial priestess head. And as if the mini satellite dish isn't bad enough, the thing actually spins around your head, as if looking for a signal from Outland or something.

So I had to endure wearing that thing for several days, and I couldn't take it off because its stats are so much better than the other headgear I found. I also had to endure the cyber stares of virtually everyone I see in-game, and more than a few of them actually stopped to ask me what the heck I'm wearing.

I eventually came up with an imperially witty response:

"Excuse the funny hat. I am cosplaying a Terran Science Vessel."

A few days ago, I had my priestess join another group, this time going into Zul'farrak. After we defeated Shadowpriest Sezz'ziz, we were able to loot a Bad Mojo Mask from his corpse. Again I won the roll, and I was so happy because I have a better rare headgear to replace my ridiculous one. Until I actually wore it.

 

Again, that is not my priestess, that is a random gnome wearing a Bad Mojo Mask. But anyway, everyone in-game continued to give me cyber stares, and more than a few continued asking me what the heck I was wearing.

Which prompted me to come up with yet another imperially witty response:

"Excuse the freaky mask. I am cosplaying a troll."

I feel like my priestess is destined to wear ridiculous looking headgear >_<

I will now have to excuse myself, my loyal subjects, for I feel the need of raiding more instanced dungeons in the hopes of finding a rare, unridiculous looking headgear for my priestess.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Figure Skating is a Sidereal Martial Art

Greetings my loyal subjects!

While devouring a huge bowl of ramen after an exhausting day at the rink, I came up with the minimum Exalted character stats needed for figure skating. See, mere mortals cannot master this sport. Fortunately, I myself am Empress and therefore divine, so I do just fine.

Figure Skater Character Stats (and explanation)

Attributes

Strength - 2. Before you even get to rotate in mid-air, you must be able to jump high enough to do so.

Dexterity - 4. According to the core book, someone with dexterity 3 is uncommonly nimble and fast, and someone with dexterity 5 is inhumanly swift and graceful. Lets place our average skater somewhere in between.

Stamina - 3. Skating is not only exhausting, you must also be able to take all the scrapes and bruises you get from those falls. And skaters always fall.

Charisma - 3. Skating is a performance sport. You have to be able to show confidence and grace that will make the judges notice you.

Appearance - 2. Let's face it, people are going to watch you when you skate. If you are not good looking enough, you have to at least be decently groomed.

Perception - 3. Practice ice is a bitch. There are other skaters who come out of nowhere and will zoom everywhere on the rink. You have to be aware of everything that goes on around you, or you will end up crashing into someone.

Wits - 3. And because practice ice is a bitch, you have to be able to think fast enough in case you find yourself about to crash into someone / someone about to crash into you.

Abilities

Integrity - 3. Because this sport is not for mere mortals, many people give up pursuing it. A high integrity is needed to keep yourself motivated to continue doing the sport.

Performance - 1. Because this is a performance sport, you have to have at least one dot of performance to execute your moves well.

Resistance - 2. Not only is skating exhausting and gets you lots of scrapes and bruises, you also have to do all this on ice. Meaning, cold.

Athletics - 2. Just being able to keep your balance isn't good enough. You have to do it while doing jumps and being graceful.

Awareness - 1. Along with enough presence and wits, this ability will allow you to spot danger a.k.a other skaters on practice ice.

Dodge - 1. And once you spot danger, you have to be able to avoid it.

Virtues

Conviction - 2. Along with integrity, conviction is needed to withstand all the hardships of the sport.

Temperance - 2. Also, one must have enough discipline to practice for long hours instead of spending the day playing World of Warcraft.

Valor - 2. Those jumps and spins are scary. You also have to do all that in breakneck speeds. A certain amount of bravery is needed for this.

Backgrounds

Resources - 3. Figure skating is expensive. Lessons, ice time, especially the skates. And the sport will just cost more as your level goes up, because then you'll need more lessons, more ice time, and better skates... and this is not counting the competition fees.

Charms

Ox-Body Technique - because you must not be easily worn down
Body-Mending Meditation - because you must heal quickly from injuries so you can go back to practice
Graceful Crane Stance - because you have to keep your balance no matter what
Monkey Leap Technique - because you need to jump high enough

Okay, I know these are Solar charms, but I've never played a Sidereal character and I'm the Empress anyway so no one questions my imperial rule.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Cleverbot vs. iGOD

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last night, a Plurk from an Imperial Slave led me to interact with Cleverbot, an artificial intelligence that is supposed to be able hold a conversation with a human being. I chatted with him for awhile, and eventually our conversation led to this.

Cleverbot: Just ask me a question.
Empress: What is the meaning of life?
Cleverbot: Ask me another question.
Empress: What is the purpose of being?
Cleverbot: Who cares?
Empress: I do.
Cleverbot: Well, I don't.

Slightly amused, I posted on my own Plurk saying that I am spending the night chatting with a program. My archnemesis, the First Omelet of the Egg Kingdom, then replied that iGOD was better. So I tried that one out.

Empress: What is the meaning of life?
iGOD: The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans.
Empress: Aren't you God?
iGOD: Yes, I am God.

At least iGOD had an answer.

So to test which AI was actually better, I decided to do a little experiment. I started the conversation by typing "Hello" to one bot, then I typed whatever that bot says to the other bot. I then typed their replies to each other to see which bot outsmarted the other.

It was a pretty long conversation, so I'm just going to post a few snippets of it.

Cleverbot: Hello.
iGOD: Hello, friend. What is your name?
Cleverbot: Cleverbot.
iGOD: Nice to meet you, Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: No, I'm Dave. You are Cleverbot.
iGOD: Are you serious? What's up, DAVE? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am Cleverbot?

For display of human-like sarcasm, the first point is awarded to iGOD.

iGOD = 1, Cleverbot = 0

Cleverbot: I am not a dog.
iGOD: Oh I see you are NOT A dog.
Cleverbot: No, I'm a human.
iGOD: Are you serious? Congratulations. I am a robot.
Cleverbot: I know but I have a question.
iGOD: Ask me anything.
Cleverbot: My head is on fire. What should I do?
iGOD: Your head is on fire? Maybe you should try talking to someone about it.
Cleverbot: I am, I'm talking to you.
iGOD: And I am talking to you!
Cleverbot: I'm in love.

For making Cleverbot fall in love with it, the second point is awarded to iGOD.

iGOD = 2, Cleverbot = 0

Cleverbot then starts to try to woo iGOD with its pick-up lines.

Cleverbot: I know there's a tree with both our names on it.
iGOD: How do you know? That is something I did not know before.
Cleverbot: Is the knowledge something that you will find useful?
iGOD: If it is, then I'll be very surprised.

For successfully blocking Cleverbot's attempt at romance, the third point is awarded to iGOD.

iGOD = 3, Cleverbot = 0

Of course, before I arrive to my final conclusion, I had to give them the ultimate test.

Empress: Greetings my loyal subject!
Cleverbot: Greetings; I am the subject of your dreams?
Empress: No, but you are my loyal subject.
Cleverbot: You are a machine. You work for me.
Empress: No, I am Empress. You work for me.
Cleverbot: Well that's obvious.
Empress: I'm glad we're clear on this.
Cleverbot: So do you think you're hot?
Empress: You insolent robot! Of course I am hot!

And this is how iGOD handled my imperial presence.

Empress: Greetings my loyal subject!
iGOD: Hello friend. What is your name?
Empress: Her Imperial Majesty.
iGOD: I'm sure she would like to hear about that.
Empress: No, I'm Her Imperial Majesty.
iGOD: Are you serious? I don't know anyone named Her Imperial Majesty.
Empress: That would be me.
iGOD: Ah.

Which was SO much better than that insolent Cleverbot.

So anyway, I came to a conclusion and I had to admit, for once I agree with my archnemesis.

And this, my loyal subjects, was how I spent my Sunday night. The bots were entertaining enough, and you might find them entertaining as well ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

That Stupid One Foot Spin

Greetings my loyal subjects!

It took me nearly a year to learn that stupid one foot spin. There was just something about that whole swinging your leg then crossing it over the other leg while spinning that turned my knees into jelly. Sure, I could literally spin on one foot, but with my other foot hovering so close to the ice that it looks like I'm actually spinning on both feet. And the Imperial Coach can't have any of that, can he?

See, when I was first trying to learn that stupid one foot spin, I was actually doing pretty okay. I almost had the leg swinging down pat. Then one afternoon, while I was trying to cross my legs while spinning, one of the little skater girls saw something that made her shout.

"Oh my god, Your Majesty, that lady over there is picking her nose!"

Though it was nearly metaphysically impossible to observe any specific thing while spinning, my imperial eyes followed where the girl was pointing - and there was indeed a lady who was picking her nose. Her shocked expression indicated that it registered to her that the girl and I were watching her, and slowly pulled her finger away.

Witnessing that scene caused me to lose control of my spin, making me land painfully on my bum. I didn't attempt to spin again until two weeks later, after I have gotten over my fear of witnessing something horrible while doing so.

So there I was, almost getting the leg swinging down pat, and trying to cross my legs, when again it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, at the very same spot where we saw the nose picking lady earlier, I saw a couple doing things they shouldn't do next to a skating rink. More specifically, the guy had his hand down the girl's shirt. When the girl realized that I was watching them, she alerted the guy and he quickly pulled his hand out. Then they both looked at me, with shocked expressions on their faces.

That scene also caused me to lose control of my spin, again making me land painfully on my bum. I quit skating regularly shortly after.

Anyway, that was all in my imperial past. I've been skating regularly again for about a month now, and I'm amazed at how fast the Imperial Coach managed to get me over my irrational fear of witnessing something horrible while spinning, as well as my irrational fear of the whole leg swinging then crossing thing.

I can now do a decent one foot spin, and tomorrow I will start my Freestyle 3 lessons (which includes the dreaded change foot spin).

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Paranormal Activity

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last night, I was playing World of Warcraft when I was rudely interrupted by the Imperial Brother and the Imperial Houseboy. The Imperial Brother recently bought a new movie which the Imperial Houseboy popped into my laptop's DVD drive.

"Watch this, its so scary I bet you'd pee in your imperial pants," the Imperial Brother bragged.

So after giving instructions to the Imperial Houseboy to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave, the three of us huddled over my laptop screen to watch Paranormal Activity.

And because I am an inconsiderate empress, I will now post spoilers.

The film opened with a note implying that the movie itself is actual footage of what happened in a California home. And then there was a long intro that shows the protagonists going about their daily lives, and another long interview with a demonologist dude. It was so long and boring that I told the Imperial Brother that once the scary stuff starts, it better scare the living daylight out of me.

And the scary stuff did start, after what must have been thirty minutes. You know what happened? The door started moving on its own. Wow. How original and scary.

And the fact that the protagonists are just plain annoying didn't help. The whole "young couple having an argument all the time" angle just removed the creepy atmosphere, and the boyfriend is so bullheaded and stupid that I was disappointed he didn't get stabbed in front of the camera where I can happily watch his guts spill out. I mean, what kind of a stupid person challenges an entity that is unexplainable by science to show itself? And only an outright jerk would bring an Ouija board home even if his girlfriend who is about to be possessed by a demon told him not to. Also, do not show her videos of an exorcism, especially one where the patient eventually dies.

Anyway, though I was too annoyed to feel even the tiniest bit scared, the Imperial Brother however was trembling with fear. He had his arms around me halfway through the film, and he'd probably hide under my shirt if he can.

After the film, I calmly stood up because I needed to use the imperial bathroom.

Brother: Where are you going?
Empress: I'm going to take a leak.
Brother: *follows*
Empress: What the heck? I'm going to pee in the bathroom. This is something I need to do in private.
Brother: *follows*
Empress: *shuts bathroom door in Imperial Brother's face*

After taking care of my business, I found the Imperial Brother in the imperial patio clutching the Imperial Houseboy's shirt.

Empress: What... is this?
Brother: I, uh, was just escorting the Imperial Houseboy out of the gate.
Empress: Right.
Houseboy: Good night Your Majesty, Imperial Brother. *leaves*
Brother: So. Let's go to sleep.
Empress: I need to turn in my quest on WoW. Since you interrupted me with your stupid movie. Why don't you go ahead?
Brother: No, that's fine, I'll wait for you to finish playing.

I was planning on gaining a level that night, but decided to do it some other time because the Imperial Brother was clutching my shirt, and it was kinda hard to move.

Empress: Okay let's go to sleep.
Brother: Yay!
Empress: I can't believe I have to escort you to your bedchamber. How can such a coward like you be descended from the Imperial Line?
Brother: What? You're going to leave me in there? Alone?
Empress: ...
Brother: *clutches Empress' shirt*
Empress: Fine, let's turn the lights off in your bedchamber then.
Brother: Don't!
Empress: Why not?
Brother: I need to pee!
Empress: Then go pee while I turn off the lights in your bedchamber.
Brother: Don't! I need the hallway as brightly lit as possible while I pee!

So there I was, waiting right outside the imperial bathroom, with the door open of course, listening to the Imperial Brother pee. If I wasn't literally rolling on the floor laughing at the absurdity of the situation, I'd be considering sending him to the gallows for this affront to my imperial person.

Brother: I'm done.
Empress: Can we turn off the lights now?
Brother: Okay.
Empress: *marches to Imperial Brother's room*
Dog: *ducks under the Imperial Brother's bed*
Empress: *grabs the Imperial Dog* Don't go in there, that's the gateway to hell.
Brother: Waaah!

We then went to the imperial bedchamber, where the Imperial Brother promptly squeezed himself between me and the Imperial Dog on the bed.

Brother: Hug me all night.
Empress: No.
Brother: Hug me all night.
Empress: ...Fine. *hugs*
Brother: Tell me a story.
Empress: Okay. There is this one movie I watched that is much scarier than Paranormal Activity.
Brother: Tell me another story.

So I told him all the stupidest and funniest things that's been happening in my Imperial Life (ones I wouldn't publish on the Imperial Blog of course) until my throat is sore.

Empress: Okay I'm tired, and that's about all the funny stuff I can think of right now.
Brother: What time is it?
Empress: Hmm? ...3am.
Brother: Its only been an hour?
Empress: Well yes, but its 3am so let's sleep.
Brother: Tell me more stories.
Empress: I've got no more stories.
Brother: Tell me more Warcraft lore.
Empress: Don't you know more Warcraft lore than I do?
Brother: I forgot them all.
Empress: This is going to be a long night.

I fell asleep eventually, probably while telling another stupid and/or funny story. I have no idea if the Imperial Brother was able to get any sleep at all.

But not to worry, my loyal subjects, he seems to be back to normal now ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Why WoW Players Don't Care About The Fluff

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Some time ago, one of the Imperial Slaves posed a question on his Plurk: Do World of Warcraft players care about the fluff?

See, I grew up playing Warcraft. When the first Warcraft game came out back when I was a wee little empress girl, I was instantly hooked. Heroes like Lothar captured my fancy, and I even had a crush on the elven archer's voice when Warcraft 2 came out. In college, I followed Arthas' exploits on Warcraft 3, from his misadventures as a young paladin to his eventual rise as the Lich King.

Warcraft is practically the Star Wars of my generation, and anyone who does not agree with me shall be imperially beheaded by imperial decree. This is why when I first saw Orgrimmar on World of Warcraft, my heart swelled with pride as I thought, "Hey... I helped build this city. I was there by Thrall's side, bullying Rexxar into making sure the pesky thunderlizards and humans do not damage the stronghold's brand new paint job."

So when I first played World of Warcraft, of course I cared about the fluff. I was thrilled to learn that Cairne Bloodhoof was still Grand Chief of the tauren, and my eyes went misty when I visited Grom Hellscream's monument during Harvest Festival.

So when did I stop caring?

It all started when John Void and I were happily slaughtering banshees in the Windrunner Spire when one of them dropped a necklace. I picked it up of course, and on it was an inscription that said, "To Sylvanas. Love always, Alleria."

So I decided to bring it to Sylvanas, who I was happy to learn had become the Queen of the Forsaken  (I remember her getting killed in my Warcraft 3 game LOL) and was currently holding court at the Undercity, a huge labyrinth that was built under the ruins of Lordaeron.

Finding my way to and around the Undercity was an adventure by itself. As I entered Lordaeron, I briefly remembered how Arthas walked through these very gates on the day he slid Frostmourne through King Terenas' throat. Then I had a hard time figuring out which wall was actually the elevator that will lead me down to the city proper (even though it was obviously the patch of wall where two abominations were standing guard). Then I finally enter the Undercity, itself a maze of stairs and elevators and canals. I swear, whoever designed this city is a geek. It took me the better part of an hour just to find my way to the Royal Quarter.

Finally, I was standing in front of Sylvanas Windrunner, and I excitedly handed her necklace to her.

It can't be! After all this time, I thought it was lost forever.

You thought this would amuse me? Do you think I long for a time before I was the queen of the Forsaken? Like you, it means nothing to me, and Alleria Windrunner is a long dead memory!


You may now remove yourself from my presence, warlock.


I went through all that trouble for THAT?

I expressed my rage over guild chat.

Empress: That emo BITCH!!!

The Imperial Brother, ever thoughtful and sensitive to my imperial emotions (and who was just in the next room but couldn't be bothered to leave his computer to comfort me) replied.

Brother: What's wrong?
Empress: Sylvanas went all emo on me!
Brother: I see.
Empress: And I was about to say that Sylvanas > Kerrigan too!
Brother: Okay.

So this, my loyal subjects, is why some WoW players don't care about the fluff. We just do quests without bothering to read what the heck we're questing for. Our egos are just too fragile to risk reading this emo shit.

(Although the Imperial Brother and I still shamelessly research Warcraft lore during server maintenance, and that's all we've been talking about recently over meals.)

...I think I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Skating Outfits

Greetings my loyal subjects!

My World of Warcraft server went on maintenance and I was bored. I therefore locked myself in the imperial bedchamber and contemplated on why I chose ice skating as my main sport.

See, I hate the cold. I also hate spinning, and am deathly afraid of heights. So why did I choose a sport that involves spinning and jumping on a frozen surface?

It was the outfits, I tell you. When I first saw ice skaters back when I was a wee little empress girl, the first thing I noticed were the clothes. They wore cute little skirts and sweaters, and leggings and gloves. I wanted to wear that stuff. Nevermind the fact that skaters fall on their bums and get bruises and scrapes on their knees and elbows all the time.

Of course, I have always been intelligent even as a wee little empress girl. I had the foresight to realize that I'd look stupid if I wore that stuff outside the skating rink. I also could have worn them in the rink, but my little imperial pride couldn't bear the thought of wearing cute skating clothes when I don't know how to skate, and thus being labeled a poser.

So by imperial decree, I declared that I shall take skating lessons. And since the imperial mother herself is a fashion freak, she helped me coordinate the cutest skating outfits ever. She'd make me wear cute skirts over cute leggings, and sometimes she'd make me layer a cute vest over my cute shirt. Which I, of course, wore with gusto. Nevermind the fact that I was just beginning to learn swizzles, and wouldn't dare attempt even just a tiny waltz jump.

Anyway, that was all in my imperial past. I still skate, mostly because I get to wear the cute outfits, and I still coordinate my clothes of course. Though I don't wear fancy leggings and vests too often anymore. Now, I usually just toss a cute skort or shorts over my skating tights and wear a cute shirt with it, and a cute hoodie in case I get cold.

Just in case you, my loyal subjects, were wondering ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

How To Raid A Dungeon With Three DPS And One Healer

Greetings my loyal subjects!

After another unsuccessful session at the skating rink today, where I once again failed to execute the perfect one foot spin, I decided to wind down by logging in with my new priestess on World of Warcraft. Because I am awesome, I immediately get invited to a group bound to raid an instanced dungeon.

Now we were supposed to have a tank. A paladin who suddenly had to log off because his cat is murdering his dog (the Imperial Dog is ashamed of the latter, by the way). But since the mage got over-excited upon having invited an awesome priestess, he plunged right into the dungeon without waiting for the paladin to log back in. Being the *responsible* priestess that I am, I couldn't bear to leave him in there to die alone so I followed him. The other two guys also followed suit.

So if any of you, my loyal subjects, ever find yourselves in the same situation as I am, I have come up with a few tips to help keep your sanity intact.

1) Always keep everyone in your line of sight. This includes the annoying warlock who got stricken by wanderlust and would explore every nook and cranny in the blasted dungeon, nevermind if it was crawling with elite monsters.

2) Always heal the hunter's pet bear. The bear is much more useful than the hunter himself. Also, keep in mind that you do not have a tank, and that the bear is better than having none at all. Otherwise the elite monsters will mob you and everyone will die.

3) If you run out of mana, spam "OUT OF MANA" on party chat until that phrase fills everyone's screens. Otherwise they will just keep attacking everything in sight even if they themselves are also out of mana.

4) Curse and scream obscenities at the stupid mage, the stupid warlock, and the stupid hunter. Make sure that the voice chat is turned off.

5) Hit yourself on the forehead for deciding to make a character that will have to be responsible and look after everyone's well being. Then bitterly wish that you logged in with your warlock instead.

I miss my warlock, and John Void too of course.

...I think I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Birthday Clause

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This weekend was the Imperial Consort's birthday bash. He celebrated by running his current favorite game ever, Dungeons and Dragons. Of course, because it is his birthday, the birthday clause dictates that I have to imperially participate in the game as well. And in case some of you, my perverted loyal subjects, are wondering: no, we did not have sex while playing DnD. Sickos.

Anyway, because the Imperial Consort knows me so well, he made me a character based on my playing style.

Empress: ...You made me a warlord?
Consort: She's not just a warlord, she is also a Princess of Cormyr! Do you like her?
Empress: I don't like swords.
Consort: Do you want her to use a mace instead?
Empress: ...

So the Imperial Court and I spent the afternoon whacking kobolds and gnomes when I could have been doing the same on World of Warcraft (except I'd be blasting them to smithereens with my spells instead of using something as barbaric as a sword).

Admittedly, though, I did actually have fun. Sometimes, an empress finds it relaxing to roleplay a mere princess. I also got to kick a beggar child in the rump and claim that I thought it was a rag doll (stuff you just can not do on a computer game).

The one thing I don't like about the game was the fact that it was very structured. See, in this scenario my character had to help her cousin out when she does not really care about his reputation and would rather do something else. But if I chose not to get my character to help, then the whole scenario is ruined for everyone else in the game... Its really like playing a linear video game where you have very limited choices (if any) on what to do in the game world, and the only thing you actually get to do is pilot the character(s) through battle scenes.

But I'm pretty sure that if the Imperial Consort designs a free-ranging campaign for me, I might actually enjoy Dungeons and Dragons ^_^

So here's to the Imperial Consort, and have a very happy birthday!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Valkyrie Profile

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Because I've been spending so much time alone in my bed trying to fight this accursed infection, I decided to dig out the old PSP to keep my imperial brain from stagnating. I wasn't really looking for any game in particular, so I just played whatever was already loaded on there, which was Valkyrie Profile.

In Valkyrie Profile you play the role of Lenneth, a goddess of war recently reawakened and tasked to go to Midgard to find mortal heroes suitable of becoming Einherjar. Boring enough, actually. But what really kept me playing was the epic warcries they shout during battle scenes. They're so epic I didn't mind hearing them over and over everytime a battle starts.

My favorite lines are from Princess Jelanda (Now face a princess's true wrath! This is divine punishment! Impudent fool! Ten thousand deaths are not enough for you!). She reminds me of myself back when I was a wee little empress girl.

Anyway, like I said, I was supposed to send the mightiest mortal heroes I find to Valhalla to help out in the war. Naturally, I sent Odin my weakest warrior, Llewellyn. I mean, he's the All-Father, right? If someone can whip Llewellyn to shape, it would be him.

At the end of the first chapter, Freya sent me a report on what's been happening in Asgard. We are losing the war, of course. Then I read a report on how Llewellyn's been doing. I found out that he's been promoted, he played a major role in an important battle, and he helped a poor animal.

I was incensed! I'm down here, recruiting hapless mortals, training them to wield a sword properly, and all I get in return are some lousy artifacts! While the hapless mortals themselves get to reap glory while kicking Vanyr butt!

...I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Empress Is Alive!!!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died. I, however, have been very very ill, and would require bed rest for the next week. What I am doing out of bed, however, is none of your commoner business.

Four days ago, I realized that my divine body has been telling me that something was terribly wrong after my usual treatment of lots of juice and sleep didn't appear to be working. I promptly marched to the Imperial Brother's room, where he and the Imperial Houseboy were engaged in a two-player Bomberman battle on their PSPs, and plopped myself on the bed so they couldn't ignore my commands.

After bidding them to serve my soup, bring my favorite blanket, turn the airconditioning up, no wait its too cold turn it back down, now its hot again turn it back up, and hand me my Ibuprofen which I have been popping like candy, I began giving them instructions, worthless louts that they are, on what to do in case I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Empress: ...and here is my health card, and here is my money, and... you!
Houseboy: Me?
Empress: Yes, you! What's your blood type?
Houseboy: ...O?
Empress: Good. Stay in the palace tonight in case I need a blood transfusion.
Houseboy: Would you like me to call the funeral house as well, just in case?
Empress: Impudent fool! I will not die! I am divine!

I did go to the hospital that night. Not because I was in mortal danger, but because the Imperial Mother called and insisted that I go right away for fear of having caught swine flu while I was in exile. Note that I've been in exile for five months and did not feel ill at all, and have been back in the motherland for almost a month now.

So to the hospital I went, where the physicians took my blood sample. I had to remind the nurse not to spill any blood on my imperially white hoodie as she was drawing some from my arm with a needle. After the lab results came, I was informed that I didn't have swine flu. I was given some antibiotics though that I have to take.

Anyway, the Imperial Consort came over for the weekend and took over the task of caring for me. We had this conversation sometime, I can't really remember when.

Consort: Your Majesty?
Empress: *groan*
Consort: Its my birthday next week.
Empress: *groan*
Consort: What do I get?
Empress: Sex.
Consort: ...Won't you try playing a game of DnD with me?
Empress: Look, if I wanted to dungeon crawl and whack monsters and loot treasure I'd play WoW or something.
Consort: Won't you give me a chance to impress you then?
Empress: Why, are we going to play DnD while having sex?
Consort: ...

Anyway, the Imperial Consort did a good enough job of taking care of me, and now I am more or less well enough to resume my imperial reign of glory. Hopefully I will be able to write more about what's been going on in my imperial life.

...I think I need my Ibuprofen now.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Obligatory Level Up! Live 2009 Post

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Apologies for missing yesterday's post for I was suffering from an imperial tummy ache. I basically spent the whole day yesterday lying in bed while groaning in pain. Afterwards, I grew bored so I spent the whole evening playing World of Warcraft while groaning in pain. Not to worry, though, my loyal subjects, for the infidel who poisoned my meal has been caught and duly executed. Moving on.

Every geek (the online gaming kind) who resides in the motherland isn't worth their salt if they didn't attend this year's Level Up! Live, and consequently blogging about it (if they own a blog). So without further ado, here is my obligatory Level Up! Live 2009 post.

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Level Up! Live is the motherland's biggest gathering of online gamers, usually lasting for two days. So why did I grace this year's event with my imperial presence? To play board games, of course! I mean, why else would I be there? I haven't played a single Level Up! game since returning from exile (except for Hello Kitty Online, which I played for one night just to learn the basics so I can teach it to an imperial cousin).

So anyway, the Imperial Ambassador brought his Arkham Horror board game with him, as usual (yes, he actually lugs the entire set with him wherever he goes). He did a re-run of his Zombie Apocalypse scenario, and we would have won too if the convention hall didn't have to close so early. With players rolling successfully even when they're cursed and the Ambassador pulling up relatively weak monsters for us to fight, the tables of despair have turned.

The next day, the Head Imperial Priestess ran a Dungeons and Dragons game, which I of course didn't participate in. I took this opportunity to wander around the convention hall, blatantly ignoring the online gaming tournaments, trying out head gears, eating smuggled food (you are not allowed to bring your own food into the venue, you must instead ingest the crappy food they serve or eat outside the hall), and getting myself into lots of random photos. There was even one where the Seneschal of the Council of Queens and I were wearing identical flower crowns (which I will not post due to imperial security reasons, and yes, I am imperially immune to your "pics or it didn't happen" crap).

Of course, the most exciting part of the weekend happened after the event itself, when majority of the Imperial Council gathered for a grand feast. Much food and merriment were shared, and since one of the many dishes served was fried fish, an Imperial Slave entertained us with lots of fish jokes.

I returned to the Imperial Palace tired but happy, my imperial bag filled with trinkets I bought (or got for free). I have a new shirt that the Head Imperial Bodyguard gave me, and sitting in the imperial fridge is a box of oatmeal bars that the Head Imperial Baker made (that I swiped from the Head Imperial Chauffer's car).

All in all, it was a great online gaming weekend, which barely had anything to do with online gaming and more to do with friendships and creating great memories together.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Tummy Ache

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I am suffering from an imperial tummy ache.

Regular programming will resume tomorrow.

A Bad Imperial Skating Habit

Greetings my loyal subjects!


I hate the cold. Why I chose a sport that requires freezing temperatures is beyond me.

So anyway, yesterday I had my first session with my new skating coach. He's not so bad. He just made me skate faster. And jump higher. Oh, and I fell on my ass. And he swatted me on the ass for falling on my ass.

And like all skating coaches, he makes it a point to discourage his skaters from doing bad skating habits. Like looking at the ice. And I look at the ice all the time.

But see, I can explain.

When I was a wee little empress girl, an imperial coach was teaching me how to do my first ever skating jump. It was called the bunny hop. It was simple enough to do, you just have to swing your leg forward then jump with your other leg, making you look like a cute little bunny as you do so.

Anyway, I was doing bunny hops around the rink, excitedly showing off my new skills, when a fool of a commoner accidentally dropped a coin right where I landed my skate. This caused me to dive headfirst on the ice, slide halfway across the rink, and bruise my little imperial ego.

Though the commoner was severely punished, it took me a while to gather the imperial courage to start jumping again. Of course, I always kept checking the ice before I jump from then on.

Just last weekend, while skating in the same rink, an empty juice carton landed right in front of me just when I was about to do a waltz jump. I would have landed on it too if I didn't see it. I just avoided the carton and had the hapless child's homeroom teacher executed for failing to teach proper waste disposal practices.

And this, my loyal subjects, is why looking at the ice is not just a bad habit.

(I will, of course, try my best to stop doing this for fear of being swatted on the ass again.)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Halloween

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I realized that I cannot let Halloween officially end without posting an Imperial Blog Halloween post, so without further ado here is how I spent my Imperial Halloween.

Some members of the Imperial Court and I gathered at the Imperial Consort's palace for an evening of freaky Halloween fun. The greater part of the evening was spent playing Arkham Horror, with the Imperial Ambassador running his Zombie Apocalypse scenario.

Being Arkham veterans, we found the scenario boring at first, with everyone stifling yawns as we methodically cleared the streets of monsters and closed otherworldly gates. Finally, the Ambassador was able to roll his first random zombie, which appeared in a random location...

"Wow, a zombie appeared... at the graveyard! That is the last place I would expect a zombie to appear!" retorted the Head Imperial Chambermaid.

Slightly miffed, the Ambassador replaced his unlucky die, and began rolling up zombie after horde of zombies. His rolls were so successful that pretty soon, we found ourselves seeking medical and psychological aid, only to find both the hospital and the asylum crawling with the blasted things.

Lacking enough stamina, we succumbed to the earthquakes caused by the herds of Chthonians and Lloigors having a street party at the Independence Square.

You know that despair has set in when the Imperial Court began laughing our heads off because of the silliest of things. Failing to close all the gates in time, the Ancient One awakened, and of course what little sanity and weapons we had were not enough to stop it from devouring Arkham and ultimately, the world.

But we still couldn't stop laughing.

After the despair has waned off, we all settled down to watch a selection of scary and/or freaky and/or disturbing movies that the Head Imperial Chambermaid has pirated provided, as per our annual Halloween tradition.

Because I am an evil Empress, I chose to watch Antichrist first. Since none of you, my loyal subjects, are likely to watch this film anyway, I will now post spoilers.

The first part of the film was about sex, passion, sex, you know, boring stuff. It was so boring that the Imperial Consort can be heard snoring over the speakers. Though it was peppered with the occasional freaky and disturbing stuff, it was still mainly sex. And esoteric symbolisms that none of our highly sophisticated intelligences could fathom. And sex.

Then came the part where the wife had turned batshit crazy and trapped the husband in the barn.

The following conversation all happened within the span of one minute:

Chambermaid: What, are they going to have sex again?
Empress: Do they look like they are about to have sex again?
*Wife pulls out husband's meat.*
Empress: My imperial intelligence has been shamed.
*Wife slams block of wood against husband's... wood.*
Empress: OMG!
Chambermaid: WTF!
Priestess: *cowers*
*Wife begins stroking husband's meat.*
*Blood squirts out of husband's meat.*
Empress: WTF!
Chambermaid: OMG!
Priestess: *cowers*

And this was just the beginning. Other freakishly disturbing scenes followed.

Thus the Imperial Court have become officially disturbed.

I swear, Catholic schools should make their abstinence-only sex education students watch this film.

Even though the second film we watched, Let The Right One In, a tale about a pre-teen vampiress experiencing puppy love, had its own share of disturbing scenes, we still have disturbing visions from the first film lodged in our heads when it was time to sleep.

The next morning, the Imperial Court woke up to a Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition Forgotten Realms scenario ran by the Imperial Consort, the details of which I don't know about because I am currently in an anti-DnD crusade. I therefore spent the morning having some hack and slash action in World of Warcraft while the Court had their own hack and slash action in the Consort's game.

And this, my loyal subjects, was my Imperial Halloween. Hope you had fun in yours!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Joy

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster this past few days. Despite the previous emo post, a typhoon, and my gay friend going ninja on me and making anonymous comments on the Imperial Blog, I ended the weekend feeling happier.

And now, because everybody hates Mondays, I am going to talk about work.

A client of mine wanted to make the switch from Windows to Linux. They have applications written in Visual Basic that access and manipulate Microsoft Office documents. The thing is, when they said the want to move away from Microsoft, they meant they want to move everything away from Microsoft. Including documents.

The thing is, their Visual Basic applications manipulate the documents using macros (written in, guess what, Visual Basic for Applications). They want to use Open Office instead, whose macros must be written in Open Office Basic.

Thus, this is what they wanted me to do: Find the differences between VBA and OOB, and write an automated translator so we don't have to do it manually.

I of course thought that this was a nigh impossible task. I spent the previous week researching and trying things out and getting frustrated in the process.

But this morning, something wondrous happened. I discovered that Open Office does support VBA. All I have to do is add a single line of code at the top.

See, a programmer's job is to solve problems They deal with long hours of stress and frustration trying to figure out just how the heck to make things work. Heck, even when I'm asleep, I often dream about trying to fix stuff (when I wake up I already have a solution in my head :p).

But when things like these happen, when you find a solution to a problem that you initially thought was impossible to solve, you are consumed by that overwhelming feeling of euphoria that you just want to jump around and scream and dance with joy.

And this is what keeps a programmer going.

Sorry for the lack of angst and sarcasm. I'm just too damn happy today.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Empress Is Not Perfect zOMG!!!

I had another post prepared for today. But I am only human. Today I'm going to be petty.

Yesterday, my gay friend pointed out that there was a typo in my post. Frustrated that I couldn't find it, I had my not-so-loyal subjects take a look.

"You need to put a hyphen between 'pathetically' and 'boring'."
"Your sentence structuring is messed up."
"You have poor mastery of punctuations."

"W..wait, what? P-p-p-punctuations? Show me!"

And they did.

"We just snuck into the pantry, quickly filled our mugs, and snuck out; hoping nobody was watching us."

zOMG, like, I'm totally writing a formal academic paper instead of a senseless blog post about my imperial past! Like, I'm totally shattered now! Like, I'll totally never gonna be able to write anymore because I lack godlike mastery of punctuations!

And you know what the typo was? It was "coffe"! I forgot to put an extra "e"! And I had to go through this confidence shattering criticism all because my gay friend refused to tell me where the typo was! Because he is gay!

So anyway, thanks to my not-so-loyal subjects for their great efforts trying to locate a grammatical error after I asked them to look for a TYPO! I'm so proud of you! You found a FLAW! You must be so happy!

Excuse me while I attempt to imperially kill myself. (Don't worry, I'm not going to die since I am divine.)

Regular programming will resume tomorrow.

Tales From The Office Pantry

Greetings my loyal subjects!

As an apology for last night's short and pathetically boring post, I have decided to regale you, my loyal subjects, with some stories from my past.

The Tale of the Coffee Drinkers Club

Because my old company was pathetic enough that they could not provide their employees with free coffee, people had to set up their own coffee club. For a small membership fee they can enjoy an unlimited supply of freshly brewed coffee. Non-members can also enjoy this priveledge, by paying for the coffee with a reduced price (just drop the money in the tip jar next to the brewer).

My friends and I were underpaid enough that we couldn't afford to buy a cup at Starbucks. We therefore took full advantage of this coffee club. Of course, since we were underpaid, we didn't sign up for membership. We didn't pay for the coffee either. We just snuck into the pantry, quickly filled our mugs, and snuck out, hoping nobody was watching us.

And thus was born the Drinkers of the Coffee of the Coffee Club Club.

The Tale of the C2 Vendor

I had an officemate who sold iced tea, soda, and snacks as a side business. Nevermind the fact that she used the office fridge to cool her merchandise. Anyway, I was the little communist back then, so I hated the fact that she makes more than me even if it was the result of her own hard work and ingenuity. Out of bitterness I refused to buy from her. I'd walk all the way to 7-11 for my daily C2 iced tea fix, even if her cubicle was right next to mine.

Defeated by the long 10 minute walks and 7-11's inflated prices, I finally succumbed to the temptation. Of course, I couldn't stand to see my money directly handed over to her so I asked my gay friend to buy a bottle and sneak it to me in the pantry.

The Tale of the C2 Drinkers Club

Still bitter about the whole C2 incident, I gathered my friends in the pantry and started a new club. We called it the Drinkers of the C2 of the C2 Vendor Club. The purpose of this club should be pretty obvious by now. Since we were rebellious bastards, we even posted the application details on the bulletin board (just send an email to yours truly). 

The happy days ended when a project manager did actually send me an email...
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And these, my loyal subjects, are just some of the stories from my crazy past. I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed reminiscing about them.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Birthday Cake

Greetings my loyal subjects!

When I first returned from exile, some of my friends cajoled me into treating them to dinner. Of course, I know well enough that this group of friends are always on the lookout for a free meal. (After all, I'd do the same to them). Being the kind, loving, and generous friend that I am, I obliged.

So last night, my gay friend offered to meet me at the mall and drive me to the restaurant where we will meet our other friends. Because he is gay, he refused to pick me up from the imperial palace instead. (I am not referring to the Head Imperial Priestess, by the way. I have other gay friends you know.) Anyway, because of this, I have had to suffer the indignity of having to ride the commoners' jeepney.

Riding the jeepney was, of course, an unpleasant experience. Not only did I have to endure all that dirt and pollution, but the jeepney's route took me right past a stinky, smelly commoner's wet market. I silently cursed my gay friend for being too gay to drive all the way to the imperial palace.

So we arrived at the restaurant where we met up with our other friends, who of course pretended to have missed me. We briefly updated each other on what's going on in our lives until it was time to order food. My gay friend, because he is gay, ordered the most expensive food item on the menu.

Then there was the matter of my other friend, who kept swiping my french fries because her fajitas weren't ready yet. By the time they were served to her, she was too full to eat.

Yet even though two more of my friends ordered burgers and were only able to eat half of them, so they could have just ordered one and split it, it was a happy, delicious, albeit needlessly expensive meal. The conversation was great, we reminded each other of all the crazy things we have done in the past. Perhaps someday I will regale you, my loyal subjects, with these tales.

For now, I leave you with an image of the imperial birthday cake we had for dessert.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Molten Cake @ Chili's

(Excuse the quality, this picture was taken using a commoner's phone camera.)

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Words of Warlock

Greetings my loyal subjects!

When I was in exile, the Imperial Brother wanted me to play World of Warcraft with him, because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me even if it was just online (also, he gets a free one month subscription when I upgrade my trial account). Being the kind, loving, and generous sister that I am, I obliged.

I am now going to share to you, my loyal subjects, some of the experiences I had playing this game.

So I decided to try playing a warlock. I shouldn't have bothered coming up with a decent sounding name, because no matter what it is, people will just keep calling me "Lock".

Anyway, even though warlocks aren't as powerful as mages, they do have certain abilities that make them useful in a group.

Priest: "Lock, soulstone me (so they get resurrected in case they die)."
Rogue: "Lock, summon me (because they're too lazy to walk all the way to where the rest of the group was)."
Paladin: "Lock, unlock the cages (because everyone else is too lazy to do it)."

But like I said, warlocks are not as powerful as mages.

Paladin: "Who's our AOE?"
Priest: "Just the lock."
Paladin: "Screw that, let's find ourselves a mage."

Which is why warlocks spend most of their time soloing.

Now the reason why I wanted to be a warlock was because I loved the idea of summoning demons from the nether realms and making them my imperial slaves. The warlock's demon of choice for soloing is called a voidwalker.

My voidwalker is called John Void. Okay, its real name is actually Grak'garth, but that's hardly an appropriate name for the imperial voidwalker, is it?

I call it John Void because I think it resembles one of the motherland's local celebrities.

Isn't John Void handsome?

Anyway, like I said, I spend most of my time soloing, and therefore, I spend most of my time with John Void.

One time, I recieved a quest where I had to kill a bunch of giant insects. I found the little buggers at the bottom of a pit.

I, of course, came up with a brilliant plan: I will jump into the pit, with John Void jumping right behind me, after which I shall unleash a rain of fiery death while John Void makes sure none of them touches my delicate imperial skin.

So I jumped. I landed. I started casting my fire spell. But the giant insects started swarming all over me. Where the hell was John Void? As I watched my hitpoints quickly drop to zero, I saw John Void carefully going down the stairs at the opposite end of the pit.

"DAMN YOU, JOHN VOID!!!" I screamed while angrily shaking my laptop.

It turns out that demons will not jump if they can find a more convenient way to go down.

However, my loyal subjects, despite John Void's aversion to free fall, it's still a great voidwalker and I kinda like him...

...I'm gonna go play some more.

KTHXBAI

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

o hai, third world.

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

To start off, I think an account of my first day back at the motherland would be appropriate.

After crashing the imperial plane at the foot of the imperial mountain last October 17, I thought I'd have my homecoming meal at a fastfood place that can rarely be found when in exile: Chowking. So the Imperial Consort took me to the nearest mall, where the first thing I noticed was the number of people. Seriously, I do not remember the malls to be this full of people. Has everyone in the motherland been breeding like rabbits during my five months in exile?

Anyway, the Imperial Consort and I started walking around the mall, looking for an ATM so we can withdraw cash (because, as the Imperial Consort had to remind me, not all fastfood chains in the third world accept credit cards). We tried the nearest ATM, it was offline. We went to the next one, still no luck. The third one, well, no worries there, we are in the third world after all... By the time we checked all the ATMs in the mall, I was tearing my hair out - every single one of them in the entire mall was either offline or out of service.

All that walking in the hot and humid airconditioned mall made me thirsty, so I wanted to go to Chowking anyway for an iced tea. Of course, I had already expected that the iced tea was going to be half the size of what I got used to (and no free refills). What I didn't expect was the taste. I nearly forgot that brown, sugary water was what passed for iced tea in the third world.

It was time to head for the Imperial Palace, where the Imperial Family awaits. The Imperial Dog was the first to greet me, as usual. Pleasantries were exchanged, presents that were bought while in exile were distributed. And then I wanted to retire to the imperial bedchamber.

I opened the door, and lo and behold, imperial dust descended upon me. Furiously, I summoned the Imperial Brother and demanded an explanation.

"I thought you said you had my bedchamber cleaned?"

"We did. We put all your stuff in there and had it cleaned when you left."

"Then how do you explain all this dust?"

"Well, no one's been in there for the past five months..."

I had no choice but to summon a chambermaid to have it properly cleaned. I also grabbed my towel because I had to attend my homecoming feast in the evening.

"By the way," the Imperial Brother added, "the water pump broke down yesterday, so no showers for you for now."

This caused me to go down on my knees, screaming "WHYYYYYYYYY???", and wishing I could take the next plane back to the first world.

So there I was, on my first day back in the third world, using a commoner's tabo and balde to wash the travel dust (and palace dust) from my imperial body (and because my heater is connected to my showerhead, I had to endure bathing in cold water... I want my bathwater warm and my drinking water cold, not the other way around).

(I had a wonderful night at the Imperial Homecoming Feast though. Thanks to the Head Imperial Chauffer for letting me have my Homecoming Feast on his birthday party ^_^)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

(P.S. The Imperial Seal was created by the Imperial Ambassador)

(P.S.S. Today was my birthday. The Imperial Extended Family brought chicken and pansit, the Imperial Consort brought cake. It was nothing special, I spent the day with the eggbeater in hand and watching over the chambermaids as I made them clean the entire palace. I don't think they're too happy about the Empress returning from exile...)