Dinner With the Holy Orifice

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Today I had dinner with the Head Minister of the Order of Rituals, Faith, Integrity, and Ceremonies (ORiFICe), formerly known as the Head Imperial Priestess. I like to call him the Holy Orifice. This is the conversation that took place during the meal:

Holy Orifice: I wonder if I should drop you off at your palace or not~
Empress: You can drop me off wherever you like, Orifice. I'll just walk home the rest of the way.
Holy Orifice: ...What!?
Empress: Of course, if something happens to me, you shall be held accountable.
Holy Orifice: ...Fine. I'll drop you off at your palace.
Empress: ^_^
Holy Orifice: ...Troll attempt failed >.<
Empress: Oh, THAT was a troll attempt?
Holy Orifice: I wanted to see if you'll bargain with me to bring you home safely >.<
Empress: The Empress does not bargain with mere mortals.
Holy Orifice: >.<
Empress: I am so going to blog this ^_^
Holy Orifice: When?
Empress: Tonight, while the memory is still fresh.
Holy Orifice: You won't remember the details~
Empress: That's fine. If I don't, I'll just make them up.
Holy Orifice: ARGH!
Empress: Oh, was THAT another troll attempt?
Holy Orifice: The Empress is too witty >.<
Empress: I wasn't even trying ^_^
Holy Orifice: Finish your stupid waffles >.>

The Empress eats waffles for dinner ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Court Role Play Update

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Today, the Head Imperial Chambermaid informed me that the Imperial Adviser for Public Relations did indeed find the artifacts he had claimed he did not. And, he tried to sell these to her!

Needless to say, the Head Imperial Warlock will have a new patient soon.

For the meantime,

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Court Reorganization and Role Play

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

You will be pleased to know that the Imperial Court have rejoiced upon my return, and are rallying under my glorious Imperial Banner once more \o/ Many have forgotten their old titles, and have come forward to be enlisted anew. That is, I am keeping an actual list this time around, and hopefully I don't lose it despite my busy and demanding schedule ^_^

Needless to say, my return had reignited the Imperial Court's passion for role play, and the Imperial Adviser for Public Relations in particular engaged me with a few lines. It was a welcome diversion and kept my spirits up as I go through yet another stressful day \o/

Here are some snippets of our conversation for your entertainment pleasure:

PR Adviser: O benevolent one, I wish to embark upon a quest to obtain a rare and magical item.
PR Adviser: It is rumored that deep within the Mountains of Tralala lives a troll who wears the Serpent Belt of Plentiful Wifi.

Empress: Am I associated with this troll?

PR Adviser: No, for it is ugly and smells bad.

Empress: I see.

PR Adviser: Apparently the troll had also stolen the Obsidian Necklace of Silent Neighbors.

Empress: How may I offer you assistance?

PR Adviser: Thy blessing is all I need, o benevolent one.

Empress: Then go! Smite this ugly and smelly troll, and obtain the Serpent Belt of Plentiful Wifi and Obsidian Necklace of Silent Neighbors for my honor and glory!

PR Adviser: It shall be done gracefully in your name!

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PR Adviser: Alas, my lady.
PR Adviser: I have failed!
PR Adviser: The Serpent Belt of Infinite Wifi was not in the mountains as rumored.
PR Adviser: All I got was the Lion's Girdle of Silent Farting.

Empress: You are a disgrace to the Empire!

PR Adviser: T_T

Empress: As a member of the Imperial Court, I expect you to perform self-imposed penance, lest I throw you to the Head Imperial Warlock's laboratories!

PR Adviser: I shall wear the Shackles of Slow Elevators for a week as penance!

Empress: Excellent. Your suffering pleases me.

PR Adviser: In your naaaaaaame!

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I hope this exchange amused you as much as it amused me ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Ever Expanding Imperial Court

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

A couple of weeks ago, the Head Imperial Warlock held a feast in my honor, as well as to celebrate the day of his birth. During the banquet, he informed me that he had been re-reading some of the entries of my Imperial Blog, and that he still found them "amusing". I entertained the thought of once again granting my loyal subjects the privilege of having glimpses of my Imperial Life, however I could not find the motivation to take up the Imperial Pen once more.

About a week later, the Head Imperial Chambermaid and I were looking down from the highest tower of the Imperial Palace. We were discussing my duties as a video game designer, which I graciously took on some year and a half ago despite my already demanding responsibilities as your benevolent Empress. I was concerned that my performance as a video game designer falls short of what is deemed worthy of my noble station.

The Head Imperial Chambermaid suggested that maybe I just need a different creative outlet, as focusing on the video game I am working on may be causing me to stagnate. I have been working on a few other creative projects, none of them having much progress, so I thought maybe doing something fun and light-hearted might inspire me.

And so, here I am \o/

But undertaking this endeavor is not without problems. As my loyal subjects know, every member of the Imperial Court has been assigned a title to designate their role in my ever glorious Empire. However, I have been remiss in involving myself in the affairs of the Imperial Court for so long, I forgot which Courtier has been assigned which title! What's more, the Imperial Court had expanded to accommodate even more of my adoring loyal subjects, whose titles I have yet to assign.

I will also be re-assigning some of the titles to certain Courtiers to fit their current circumstances.

So I have now officially shared yet another page of My Imperial Life to my loyal subjects. Will this open up another chapter of My Imperial Life for public view? I am not omniscient, so I do not know.

But we shall see ^_^

For now,

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Updates!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

For now, I have the time to make regular posts on my imperial blog again. I have recently quit my job as a software developer and will be assuming the role of Empress once more. The Imperial Dog has been sitting on my throne while I was gone, and unfortunately, she wasn't doing a very good job.

And now, for some of what's been happening in my imperial life lately. I quit my job because I felt like I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. No, having an excuse to wear my imperial outfits outside the Imperial Palace isn't considered a "right reason". The whole experience wasn't a waste of time, however. I made some wonderful memories, gained new friends, and got introduced to the wonderful substance called "alcohol".

No regrets there! ^_^

In other news, the Imperial Mother has recently arrived in the motherland to make my imperial life slightly miserable. Specifically, she has commandeered my imperial bedchamber and condemned the Imperial Dog to a dog bed for the duration of her stay. Nevertheless, she has been busy making the Imperial Palace even more imperial than it already is. This includes replacing the placemats I burned last year.

I still play video games, though the job kept me from wanting to face another computer screen after working hard all day. I rarely play board games and roleplaying games because all I want to do during weekends is to sleep, even if the painful changes that took place in the Imperial Court never happened. And of course, now that I'm at a skill level where I need at least two practice sessions every week, something I can't really afford for now, figure skating is out of the question. = (

These are some of the things that I will try to do more often again soon. ^_^

And now, for a bit of sad news. Five weeks from now, I will once again be exiled for a few months. This is going to be a start (a continuation, actually) of a series of exiles that will eventually lead to a permanent one, an inevitability that I've been trying to delay for the past three years. I was having too much fun with the Imperial Court that I didn't like having to leave. But now I have realized that the Imperial Court that I knew and loved will never stay constant. Still, whatever the Imperial Court becomes in the future, I know that they will always be there for me wherever I go. ^_^

Like I always say, my imperial life shall go on, and there will always be stories to tell in the future.

For the future!

The Return of the Scarlet Empress

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Receiving audiences again, soon!

Change

Greetings my loyal subjects!

There are changes that have happened in my imperial life, and sometimes these changes happen so fast. Some things have ended, but lots of things have also begun.  I have been hurt, but my future looks brighter than it had ever been before.

Because of these changes, there are things I have learned that I will share with you now.

That one shouldn't converse with someone whose eyes they never see or whose voice they never hear, lest the words be misinterpreted;

That just because the message was not heard, doesn't mean the recipient refused to listen; it could be that the message was too ambiguous to understand in the first place;

That in order to end the cycle of pain, one must be prepared to stay their hand and turn around, instead of striking back; and to be prepared to be labeled a coward for it;

That people who hurt others are in terrible pain themselves;

That there are people who derive happiness from other people's misery, but that is not true happiness;

That there are people who derive power from other people's weakness, but that is not true power;

That it is so easy to go along with other people's opinions, and so hard to find out the truth for yourself;

That it is perfectly fine to hate someone, but it takes a certain finesse to treat them with respect;

That no sentient being, no matter how evil, deserves to be treated dishonorably;

That different people have different opinions on what "right" is, but "right" is always hard to do regardless;

And that the truest friends come to you during the saddest point of your life, unbidden, and from the most unexpected places, not to help you fight, but to help you heal.

Meanwhile, my imperial life goes on, and there will be more stories to tell. I hope to continue making you laugh, sometimes at others, but mostly at me and my amusing misadventures ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Update

Greetings my loyal subjects!

As you may have noticed, I have been very lapse with updating the Imperial Blog. This is due to some changes that has happened with my Imperial Life. Mainly, I have once again succumbed to the temptation of selling my soul to the corporate devil and now spend eight hours of my life every work day chained to a desk.

Once I have worked out the kinks in my new daily schedule (fitting in raids and skating practice, of course), I will probably be able to regale you with my inane stories more frequently.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Plastic, Eggs, and Bacon

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The imperial chambermaids did a most preposterous thing! They have left the Imperial Palace for their home province because they wanted to be part of their pathetic commoner festival! This left me and the Imperial Brother in quite a predicament.

Today, the Imperial Brother demanded -er- requested bacon and eggs for breakfast -er- dinner. Because I am a kind, loving, and generous Empress, I indulged him. I steeled myself and marched into that area of the palace where no empress should be seen working - the kitchen.

So I set about preparing the Imperial Brother's meal. I first cooked the eggs, which he demanded -er- requested to be sunny side up, and here is the result.

I ended up scrambling one of them because I cracked the shell in the wrong spot and the egg landed on the frying pan with a broken yolk >_<

Now this, my loyal subjects, is an innocent looking place mat.

As you can see, it is made of plastic.

Now this is what happens when you accidentally place a hot frying pan on top of an innocent plastic place mat.

Congratulations, Empress, you have just contributed to the widening of the hole in the ozone layer.

Anyway, I underestimated the amount of bacon left in the freezer, and this is how much I was able to make >_<

And that, my loyal subjects, is the Imperial Brother's dinner. He will eat it, and enjoy it, or it is off with his head.

Needless to say, my cooking skill has now increased by 1 ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Dam

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I visited a friend's palace because he needed inspiration for the new game world he was creating. So we spent the afternoon hanging out at the palace's roof deck and just throwing ideas at each other.

Eventually, we came up with an empire that built a dam on the mouth of a huge lake.

Empress: ...and people also live around the dammed lake because that area is fertile.
Consort: *smirk*
Empress: ...and people also live on the dam itself so that the dam engineers can repair it when necessary.
Consort: *snicker*
Empress: ...maybe there's a city on the dam, so there is a separate dam area for the engineers to work in.
Consort: *snort*
Empress: ...to protect it, they built a dam wall, and the dam soldiers have huge crossbows all over.
Consort: Hahahahaha!
Empress: ~_~ You know what, let's just call it the Big Dam City ~_~ The dam people live there, and the dam food is good, what with the dam fish growing so fat and easy to catch.
Consort: You're so dam funny!

Needless to say, the pun lasted well into the evening. We ate delicious homemade curry rice for dinner and had banana milk shakes spiked with rose water and cardamom for dessert ^_^

Hope we all have a dam good week ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

iPad

Greetings my loyal subjects!

It started with an innocent question.

"Empy, what is an iPad?"

I knew that the Imperial Mother has been wanting to get herself a netbook so she can surf the Internet wherever she goes, and when she asked that question when we were talking on the phone one day, I told her to get on her computer and log on to her IM. I then sent her a link to this video.

So the Imperial Mother was watching the video and began squealing with glee on how cool she thinks it is and how she's definitely buying one >_< Just then, the Imperial Father decided to look over my shoulder where my lappy is playing the same video and watched for awhile.

Then, the Imperial Father was tugging on my sleeve squealing with glee on how cool he thinks it is and how he's definitely buying one >_<

Parents >_< They lecture us on how tough things were back in their day with the lack of cellphones and the Internet, and a new gadget shows up and they want to buy it right away.


 Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

New Haircut!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Skaters should always keep their hair away from their face. My hair was getting too long for me to fix for skating so last weekend, I want to my salon to get a haircut.

I also had bangs put in. As you can see, the bangs are short enough to freely fall unto my face and long enough to cover it. This is intentional, because I am actually a closet emo.

This also drove sifu nuts.

(I also found myself swiping the bangs out of my face whenever I do a jump, a spin, practically anything ^_^)

Well, at least my hair is much shorter now ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

New ISP!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have now subscribed to a new ISP \o/

I am now busy playing WoW.

Don't bother me.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Tale of the Gummy Burger

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I recently passed my Freestyle 3 test (YAY \o/) and will start Freestyle 4 lessons next week. This means that I could finally, finally do a passable change foot spin. But not without going through half of the coaching staff in my rink first.

My sifu, after getting frustrated at my inability to learn that change foot spin in a month, passed me on to the rink's spinning expert. He instructed me for another month, at the end of which was when I could finally rotate the spin. During this time, some of the other coaches also pitied me and gave me tips on how I could do the spin more consistently.

One of the coaches, Coach B, spent an entire afternoon doing just that. He dragged me to the middle of the rink and practically gave me step by step instruction on how to do that spin. And I didn't pay him a single cent ^_^

Anyway, that afternoon was the start of my eureka moment, leading to my eventually mastering the spin enough to pass the test.

Last weekend, Coach B asked me to demonstrate my one foot spin to his student who just couldn't get how to do it. He told her that I had a hard time learning the one foot spin too (true), but now can do it beautifully (modesty aside, of course ^_^ Lots of people have commented on how good my one foot spin looks now ^_^). But the kid still couldn't get it. Eventually, Coach B skated away in frustration saying "Can you just show her how to do it, just one more time?"

Because Coach B exerted so much effort teaching me the change foot spin, I showed my one foot spin to her over and over, and explained to her what I did step by step. I also taught her what I did to finally learn it. By the end of the afternoon, she could do two rotations ^_^

After the session, she came over to me, said thanks, and handed me a gummy burger ^_^ It felt so good helping out other people who enjoy doing the same things you do ^_^ It also proves that not all kids who skate are brats ^_^

(I am not planning to become a skating coach in the future, though >_< Like I always say, I hate being cold, I'm scared of heights, and I get dizzy easily. I'm not that masochistic ^_^)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Apple Juice

So I poured myself a glass of apple juice just now, and the Imperial Brother said,

"Ewww Applebough's pee!"

My life is now changed >.<

Kaguya Is a Jejemon!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Because my imperial face is too divine for mere mortals to set eyes upon, I use an avatar for all my online interactions.

This is Kaguya from the anime Code Geass. She is an empress herself, or almost anyway, and I like her well enough, thus I chose her to be my online representative.

Why is Kaguya a jejemon, you ask? First of all, because I'm far too absorbed in my own little imperial world, I only recently found out what a jejemon is. (They like to type "hehehe" as "jEj3Je", apparently because it looks "cooler". Hence the name.) I also came to the conclusion that the unkempt looking youth wearing wannabe gangster clothing and usually with garishly colored hair and, unfortunately, who like to hang out in and around my skating rink, are most likely jejemons as well.

Anyway, two days ago, a bunch of jejemons decided to skate in my rink. Now believe it or not, I've actually become desensitized to the presence of these dirty creatures as they have pretty much become permanent fixtures around every skating rink (all two of them!) in the motherland. Sure, they ogle at me and every other female skater who look like they are above the age of 12, but I've decided that perfecting whatever element I'm currently learning is much more important than acknowledging their presence.

So I continued practicing, dodging the clumsy and unstable jejemons as I do so. I don't know when these idiots will figure out that try as they might, they will not be able to do the cool stuff that the hockey players do, because they are wearing rental skates that have toe picks while hockey skates do not.

As the stupid jejemons flail around tripping over their toe picks, I noticed one of their friends waving at them from behind the plexiglass. Actually, what I noticed was the jejemon cap perched on its head.

This is the jejemon cap. I know nothing about "legitimate" gangster culture, but upon further research I found out that the jejemon cap is a bastardization of the "trucker cap". A quick Google image search should show you what a proper trucker cap should look like.

So anyway, the jejemon I saw was wearing this same exact cap.

See, I've always thought that the jejemon cap was a myth. That it was cooked up by some bored elitist so other elitists like me have something else to laugh about. But alas, my innocence was shattered upon seeing this vile head accessory with my very own eyes.

When I returned to the Imperial Palace, I told the Imperial Brother about my horrific discovery. He reassured me that I wasn't going crazy, and that jejemon caps have been sprouting on jejemon heads like mushrooms. And that they are not to be confused with trucker caps.

I then asked him what turns a trucker cap into a jejemon cap.

1) A jejemon cap, like a trucker cap, is made from a mesh like material.
2) A jejemon cap, unlike a trucker cap, must have at least four different colors on it.
3) A jejemon cap must be two sizes too small for the jejemon's head and so could not be worn properly.

In a sudden and not-so-brief lapse of sanity, I asked the Imperial Brother if he can photoshop Kaguya and have her wear the jejemon cap.

Voila! Kaguya is now a jejemon!

We decided that I must have a jejemon name to go with it. It has to be wannabe gangster enough, and annoying to read (much less type).

Behold, the jevolution of the Imperial Jejemon Name!

(It took us 30 minutes to do this so you better appreciate it.)

Lil Empress => LiL Empress => LiL Empreszz => LiL EmpresZz => L!L EmpresZz => L!L 3mpresZz => L!L~3mpresZz => xL!L~3mpresZzx

J3jejEJj3JE~

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Holy Week

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died.

Apologies for not being able to post for a week. Early last week I fell ill and had to confine myself in the imperial bedchamber again. The Head Imperial Bodyguard reckons that I was bitten by an insect which caused an allergic reaction.

Anyway.

Last week the Imperial Court gathered at the Head Imperial Baker's palace for three days of board games, card games, and role-playing games. In other words, three days of pure and total geekdom! We were also fed excellent food care of the Head Imperial Tailor who took charge of all the cooking (and made me eat yucky vegetables), and the Head Imperial Baker made s'mores. The Head Imperial Librarian also mixed zombies (yes, the alcoholic drink) so we are all drunk while gaming.

The Head Imperial Warlock brought his Once Upon A Time card game which I was able to try out for the first time. I also got to play my favorite board games, Arkham Horror and Battlestar Galactica, which were, of course, run by the Imperial Ambassador.

Which is why I gaped at him in horror when he volunteered to wash the dishes and clean up after one of the meals.

"You fool!" I screamed. "How are you supposed to run the games when you're washing the dishes?!?!? Oh heck, I am going to help you clean up so we can get started gaming faster!"

The Head Imperial Priestess, of course, would not allow my imperial hands to be stained by commoner chores and snatched the dirty dishes before I could touch them.

I was also able to fit in a little World of Warcraft in my busy schedule. I set up my lappy next to the Head Imperial Warlock's, where the Head Imperial Tailor was in the process of deleting the Head Imperial Warlock's tier 9 set. Unfortunately, the Head Imperial Warlock caught her and logged his account out of the game. The Head Imperial Tailor, with the help of the Head Imperial Hacker, then proceeded to scour the Head Imperial Warlock's lappy for his hidden porn.

They did find his porn, but it sucked so much that the Head Imperial Tailor decided to stream some porn from a site instead. This is why the tier 9 geared healer kept wiping at heroic dungeons.

What? I am an empress, not a god. I can't watch my mana bar while watching porn at the same time >_<

Easter Sunday was spent relaxing with the Imperial Consort at the Imperial Palace while listening to Wheel of Time audio books. We also waited to see if Cabbit would lay an Easter egg, but she didn't. Oh well.

Hope your commoner holy week was almost as exciting as mine ^_^



Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Summer

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I am not a camwhore, and I hate taking pictures. I also hate having to upload those pictures on the Internet. But there's something about blogging that compels you to take pictures anyway, and share them to your imperial constituents.

Every summer, the tree in front of the Imperial Palace drops these tiny yellow flower things on the pavement. It drives the obsessive compulsive old ladies crazy, having to sweep them all up all the time. But I like them because they're pretty ^_^

Anyway, I know its still March, but global warming and stuff. How was the tree supposed to know that it wasn't technically summer yet?

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Yet Another Weekend Report

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This weekend I did the following:

1) Eat.
2) Skate.
3) Eat.
4) Skate.
5) Eat.
6) Skate.
7) Raid.

Get yourselves into sports. That way, it won't be so bad if you eat more of the sweet stuff :D

Okay, back to raiding.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Latest Imperial Facebook Adventures

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Since tonight is do-stuff-other-than-play-WoW night (aka server maintenance), I once again did my favorite do-stuff-other-than-play-WoW night activity: checking my Facebook. I got a couple of friend requests, a new uploaded photo, and messed around with the games a bit.

This image was uploaded by one of my former co-workers. Yes, there is a story behind this. See, this particular group of friends I belonged to was one of the craziest group of people in the company. Heck, we were the ones who founded the Drinkers of the Coffee of the Coffee Club Club. Almost all of us have left the company since.

Anyway, one summer, the company was planning its yearly summer outing, complete with parlor games, team-building activities, and general ass-kissing to the bosses. Since we hated the summer outing the year before, my friends and I decided to escape this boredom. And because we were actually bored in the office one day, one of them actually looked for a map of the resort we were going to and drew up an "escape plan". And sent the plan out to our company emails.

Anyway.

The plan was simple. While everyone was busy participating in the ass-kissing activities, we were to sneak out of the area, follow the red lines on the map, and spend the day playing mini-golf instead. Now I don't know if this plan ever worked, because I came up with my own escape plan. I called in sick on the day of the summer outing ^,..,^

Ah, good times ^_^ The one fun thing you don't get to do when you're a freelancer is to bullshit the boss and the company policies ^_^

Before I leave you, my loyal subjects, here is something I saw in the cash shop of King of Kung Fu on Facebook.

Seriously, WTH?

(And it didn't help my WoW withdrawal pains either.)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty