The Tale of the Drunk Octopus

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Like I said, I had my emo haircut some time back and have been skating with the bangs covering my face. So last week I was warming up by doing Salchow jumps...

...and fell.

The fall wasn't so bad, but because I'm a closet emo drama queen, I rolled unto my back and lied down flat on the ice. I began flailing my arms and legs about like a helpless, well, emo.

"BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB!" I cried.

At this point, sifu skated over to me and screamed, "GET UP! YOU LOOK LIKE A DRUNK OCTOPUS!"

Well. He did have a point.

On my next Exalted game, my Lunar will get herself drunk and assume an octopus form.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Tale of the Gummy Burger

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I recently passed my Freestyle 3 test (YAY \o/) and will start Freestyle 4 lessons next week. This means that I could finally, finally do a passable change foot spin. But not without going through half of the coaching staff in my rink first.

My sifu, after getting frustrated at my inability to learn that change foot spin in a month, passed me on to the rink's spinning expert. He instructed me for another month, at the end of which was when I could finally rotate the spin. During this time, some of the other coaches also pitied me and gave me tips on how I could do the spin more consistently.

One of the coaches, Coach B, spent an entire afternoon doing just that. He dragged me to the middle of the rink and practically gave me step by step instruction on how to do that spin. And I didn't pay him a single cent ^_^

Anyway, that afternoon was the start of my eureka moment, leading to my eventually mastering the spin enough to pass the test.

Last weekend, Coach B asked me to demonstrate my one foot spin to his student who just couldn't get how to do it. He told her that I had a hard time learning the one foot spin too (true), but now can do it beautifully (modesty aside, of course ^_^ Lots of people have commented on how good my one foot spin looks now ^_^). But the kid still couldn't get it. Eventually, Coach B skated away in frustration saying "Can you just show her how to do it, just one more time?"

Because Coach B exerted so much effort teaching me the change foot spin, I showed my one foot spin to her over and over, and explained to her what I did step by step. I also taught her what I did to finally learn it. By the end of the afternoon, she could do two rotations ^_^

After the session, she came over to me, said thanks, and handed me a gummy burger ^_^ It felt so good helping out other people who enjoy doing the same things you do ^_^ It also proves that not all kids who skate are brats ^_^

(I am not planning to become a skating coach in the future, though >_< Like I always say, I hate being cold, I'm scared of heights, and I get dizzy easily. I'm not that masochistic ^_^)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Achievements

Greetings my loyal subjects!

As you may have noticed, I have recently added an RSS feed to the Imperial Blog that indicates my latest World of Warcraft activities and achievements. I do not want to admit that I am actually proud of these achievements. Sadly, I am T_T

Anyway, I was just wondering. What if there is a shiny banner that pops up above our heads whenever we do a real life achievement, like getting promoted or losing weight?

Or finally learning a new skill in a sport?

Fine, I still can't do a change foot spin to save my life, but I was able to do four of them tonight (out of a bazillion attempts). Well, it was really just me spinning on one foot then changing feet then doing two spins before changing back, but the point is, I was still spinning.

I am SO going to skate all weekend. Geeky board games and online games be damned ^,..,^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

A Letter From The Imperial Skating Rink

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I, by the Appointment of the Stars the 99th Ruler of the Empire, wish to say a few words.

1) If you are gazing upon the rink from the second floor balcony, make sure that you or your children do not drop candy wrappers onto the ice surface. Not only will it score you a one way ticket to the gallows, it would also cause harm to my loyal but clumsy subjects who are skating below.

2) If you and your special someone wish to make out, please do so in a private place. Note that the space right outside the skating rink is not a private place. There are people in the skating rink who can clearly see through the clear plexiglass what exactly the heck you are doing.

3) If you decide to try ice skating for yourself, stay on the sides of the rink. Skating is a dangerous sport, and people get hurt because clumsy beginners uncontrollably crash into other clumsy beginners. Only attempt skating in the middle when you have passed Basic Skating Level 3. By then you should have learned enough control to get the heck out of a clumsy beginner's way.

4) If you see me skating backwards, get the heck out of my way. I will most likely attempt a change foot spin, which I still have not learned after 2 months of working on it. But I am determined like heck to finally frigging learn it, and will literally mow down anyone in my path. So get the heck out of my way.

Heed these words, my loyal subjects, for my word is law.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

The Tale of The Bloodthirsty Blade

Greetings my loyal subjects!

A week ago I left my skates at sifu's so he can have the blades sharpened. I can hold my edges better now, and the blades are ready to slice through ice and infidel alike.

This reminds me of the time when I first got my skates. The boots were still very stiff so I was very uncomfortable and cranky. And the blades of course were freshly sharpened.

Anyway, sifu decided to help me break them in by making me practice jump landings. He knew I was more aware of my throbbing feet than the clumsy skaters who were falling all over the place, so he shooed them away whenever I set up for a waltz jump.

But there was this one idiot boy who was skating in the opposite direction from everyone else, and headed my way. Both sifu and I assumed everyone will be intelligent enough to know what the arrows on the walls of the rink meant and wasn't expecting anyone to be coming in from the opposite direction.

So I jumped. And I landed. I was careful to make sure that I keep my chin up, lean back on my shoulders, and keep my toe pointed.

Then I hit something.

I looked back, and I saw this boy wearing a nice pair of denim shorts, his shin a bloody mess. I stayed in a perfect landing position for approximately three seconds before it registered that I had cut someone's leg open.

Sifu escorted the boy out of the rink, but not before telling me to continue practicing and don't worry about anything else.

Nobody dared come close to my little corner of the rink the rest of the afternoon.

So. My blades are sharp once again. I wonder who their next victim will be?

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Skating Rant

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Please excuse the lack of amusing posts lately. I'm just frustrated at the fact that I've been trying to learn the change foot spin for a month now, and still haven't shown any progress with it. Sifu has been scaring me with stories of other skaters taking a year just to learn it, while other skaters have confirmed that it took them months. It did take me three months to learn the one foot spin, but still! I just wanna get this over with so I can move on with my imperial life! >.<

Anyway, last night the Head Imperial Chauffeur and I went out for coffee, where I entertained him by making mean and nasty comments about all those infidel mortals who refuse to bow to my imperial rule. Whenever I do that, though, I end up taking a nasty fall the next time I go skating.

So this afternoon, I ended up doing just that. I was getting frustrated trying to learn the change foot spin, while sifu was equally frustrated trying to spin me around (literally - he was swinging my arm and leaving me spinning like a top) when I finally got it... for like two rotations then I lost my balance and fell hard on my bum.

I really hate having to leave the rink without feeling like I accomplished anything. It feels like a total waste of (expensive) ice time, but at the same time I can't force my divine but mortal body to continue skating if it was dead tired.

Oh well. I'm chucking this up to exhaustion, and a slight emotional imbalance in my otherwise perfect imperial life.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Figure Skating is a Sidereal Martial Art

Greetings my loyal subjects!

While devouring a huge bowl of ramen after an exhausting day at the rink, I came up with the minimum Exalted character stats needed for figure skating. See, mere mortals cannot master this sport. Fortunately, I myself am Empress and therefore divine, so I do just fine.

Figure Skater Character Stats (and explanation)

Attributes

Strength - 2. Before you even get to rotate in mid-air, you must be able to jump high enough to do so.

Dexterity - 4. According to the core book, someone with dexterity 3 is uncommonly nimble and fast, and someone with dexterity 5 is inhumanly swift and graceful. Lets place our average skater somewhere in between.

Stamina - 3. Skating is not only exhausting, you must also be able to take all the scrapes and bruises you get from those falls. And skaters always fall.

Charisma - 3. Skating is a performance sport. You have to be able to show confidence and grace that will make the judges notice you.

Appearance - 2. Let's face it, people are going to watch you when you skate. If you are not good looking enough, you have to at least be decently groomed.

Perception - 3. Practice ice is a bitch. There are other skaters who come out of nowhere and will zoom everywhere on the rink. You have to be aware of everything that goes on around you, or you will end up crashing into someone.

Wits - 3. And because practice ice is a bitch, you have to be able to think fast enough in case you find yourself about to crash into someone / someone about to crash into you.

Abilities

Integrity - 3. Because this sport is not for mere mortals, many people give up pursuing it. A high integrity is needed to keep yourself motivated to continue doing the sport.

Performance - 1. Because this is a performance sport, you have to have at least one dot of performance to execute your moves well.

Resistance - 2. Not only is skating exhausting and gets you lots of scrapes and bruises, you also have to do all this on ice. Meaning, cold.

Athletics - 2. Just being able to keep your balance isn't good enough. You have to do it while doing jumps and being graceful.

Awareness - 1. Along with enough presence and wits, this ability will allow you to spot danger a.k.a other skaters on practice ice.

Dodge - 1. And once you spot danger, you have to be able to avoid it.

Virtues

Conviction - 2. Along with integrity, conviction is needed to withstand all the hardships of the sport.

Temperance - 2. Also, one must have enough discipline to practice for long hours instead of spending the day playing World of Warcraft.

Valor - 2. Those jumps and spins are scary. You also have to do all that in breakneck speeds. A certain amount of bravery is needed for this.

Backgrounds

Resources - 3. Figure skating is expensive. Lessons, ice time, especially the skates. And the sport will just cost more as your level goes up, because then you'll need more lessons, more ice time, and better skates... and this is not counting the competition fees.

Charms

Ox-Body Technique - because you must not be easily worn down
Body-Mending Meditation - because you must heal quickly from injuries so you can go back to practice
Graceful Crane Stance - because you have to keep your balance no matter what
Monkey Leap Technique - because you need to jump high enough

Okay, I know these are Solar charms, but I've never played a Sidereal character and I'm the Empress anyway so no one questions my imperial rule.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

That Stupid One Foot Spin

Greetings my loyal subjects!

It took me nearly a year to learn that stupid one foot spin. There was just something about that whole swinging your leg then crossing it over the other leg while spinning that turned my knees into jelly. Sure, I could literally spin on one foot, but with my other foot hovering so close to the ice that it looks like I'm actually spinning on both feet. And the Imperial Coach can't have any of that, can he?

See, when I was first trying to learn that stupid one foot spin, I was actually doing pretty okay. I almost had the leg swinging down pat. Then one afternoon, while I was trying to cross my legs while spinning, one of the little skater girls saw something that made her shout.

"Oh my god, Your Majesty, that lady over there is picking her nose!"

Though it was nearly metaphysically impossible to observe any specific thing while spinning, my imperial eyes followed where the girl was pointing - and there was indeed a lady who was picking her nose. Her shocked expression indicated that it registered to her that the girl and I were watching her, and slowly pulled her finger away.

Witnessing that scene caused me to lose control of my spin, making me land painfully on my bum. I didn't attempt to spin again until two weeks later, after I have gotten over my fear of witnessing something horrible while doing so.

So there I was, almost getting the leg swinging down pat, and trying to cross my legs, when again it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, at the very same spot where we saw the nose picking lady earlier, I saw a couple doing things they shouldn't do next to a skating rink. More specifically, the guy had his hand down the girl's shirt. When the girl realized that I was watching them, she alerted the guy and he quickly pulled his hand out. Then they both looked at me, with shocked expressions on their faces.

That scene also caused me to lose control of my spin, again making me land painfully on my bum. I quit skating regularly shortly after.

Anyway, that was all in my imperial past. I've been skating regularly again for about a month now, and I'm amazed at how fast the Imperial Coach managed to get me over my irrational fear of witnessing something horrible while spinning, as well as my irrational fear of the whole leg swinging then crossing thing.

I can now do a decent one foot spin, and tomorrow I will start my Freestyle 3 lessons (which includes the dreaded change foot spin).

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Skating Outfits

Greetings my loyal subjects!

My World of Warcraft server went on maintenance and I was bored. I therefore locked myself in the imperial bedchamber and contemplated on why I chose ice skating as my main sport.

See, I hate the cold. I also hate spinning, and am deathly afraid of heights. So why did I choose a sport that involves spinning and jumping on a frozen surface?

It was the outfits, I tell you. When I first saw ice skaters back when I was a wee little empress girl, the first thing I noticed were the clothes. They wore cute little skirts and sweaters, and leggings and gloves. I wanted to wear that stuff. Nevermind the fact that skaters fall on their bums and get bruises and scrapes on their knees and elbows all the time.

Of course, I have always been intelligent even as a wee little empress girl. I had the foresight to realize that I'd look stupid if I wore that stuff outside the skating rink. I also could have worn them in the rink, but my little imperial pride couldn't bear the thought of wearing cute skating clothes when I don't know how to skate, and thus being labeled a poser.

So by imperial decree, I declared that I shall take skating lessons. And since the imperial mother herself is a fashion freak, she helped me coordinate the cutest skating outfits ever. She'd make me wear cute skirts over cute leggings, and sometimes she'd make me layer a cute vest over my cute shirt. Which I, of course, wore with gusto. Nevermind the fact that I was just beginning to learn swizzles, and wouldn't dare attempt even just a tiny waltz jump.

Anyway, that was all in my imperial past. I still skate, mostly because I get to wear the cute outfits, and I still coordinate my clothes of course. Though I don't wear fancy leggings and vests too often anymore. Now, I usually just toss a cute skort or shorts over my skating tights and wear a cute shirt with it, and a cute hoodie in case I get cold.

Just in case you, my loyal subjects, were wondering ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

A Bad Imperial Skating Habit

Greetings my loyal subjects!


I hate the cold. Why I chose a sport that requires freezing temperatures is beyond me.

So anyway, yesterday I had my first session with my new skating coach. He's not so bad. He just made me skate faster. And jump higher. Oh, and I fell on my ass. And he swatted me on the ass for falling on my ass.

And like all skating coaches, he makes it a point to discourage his skaters from doing bad skating habits. Like looking at the ice. And I look at the ice all the time.

But see, I can explain.

When I was a wee little empress girl, an imperial coach was teaching me how to do my first ever skating jump. It was called the bunny hop. It was simple enough to do, you just have to swing your leg forward then jump with your other leg, making you look like a cute little bunny as you do so.

Anyway, I was doing bunny hops around the rink, excitedly showing off my new skills, when a fool of a commoner accidentally dropped a coin right where I landed my skate. This caused me to dive headfirst on the ice, slide halfway across the rink, and bruise my little imperial ego.

Though the commoner was severely punished, it took me a while to gather the imperial courage to start jumping again. Of course, I always kept checking the ice before I jump from then on.

Just last weekend, while skating in the same rink, an empty juice carton landed right in front of me just when I was about to do a waltz jump. I would have landed on it too if I didn't see it. I just avoided the carton and had the hapless child's homeroom teacher executed for failing to teach proper waste disposal practices.

And this, my loyal subjects, is why looking at the ice is not just a bad habit.

(I will, of course, try my best to stop doing this for fear of being swatted on the ass again.)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty