Teeth

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Today, the Internet in the Imperial Palace died for a few hours. This left me and the Imperial Brother no choice but to, well, not do chores of course, but to grab the remote control and look for something to watch on TV.

So we ended up watching Teeth on Star Movies. We didn't get to watch it from the beginning, but we sort of got the gist of it. It's about this Christian girl who is obsessed with "purity", then finding out that she has this medical condition called vagina dentata. This means that her vagina has teeth. I actually looked this up and to my horror, I discovered that such myths actually exist. (According to Wikipedia anyway... not that Wikipedia is a reliable source...)

Anyway, those teeth must have rivaled any piranha's because they manage to cut the penises of anyone who tries to have sex with her (or the fingers of anyone who tries to finger her). Tasteless, I know. I'm not even going to apologize for putting up spoilers on here because you wouldn't want to watch this movie anyway.

I mean, come on! What sane person would come up with a movie about teeth in a vagina? I bet whoever made this movie was toked up one night, stumbled upon the term, and thought it was hilarious. That, or he's a 12-year-old boy.

In fact, I think there are only two scenes here that are worth watching at all. The first one is when she tried to have sex with her brother, whose penis got cut off. He tries to get his dog to attack her but it ends up eating the severed organ instead. The second one is when she hitched a ride with a dirty old man, who made disturbingly hilarious faces at her after he brought her to a motel.

The Imperial Brother and I seriously wondered if that movie earned any money at all. It probably would have if the girl was hot, but really...

Anyway, we got our Internet back, so we can at least move in with our happy little imperial lives ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Paranormal Activity

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last night, I was playing World of Warcraft when I was rudely interrupted by the Imperial Brother and the Imperial Houseboy. The Imperial Brother recently bought a new movie which the Imperial Houseboy popped into my laptop's DVD drive.

"Watch this, its so scary I bet you'd pee in your imperial pants," the Imperial Brother bragged.

So after giving instructions to the Imperial Houseboy to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave, the three of us huddled over my laptop screen to watch Paranormal Activity.

And because I am an inconsiderate empress, I will now post spoilers.

The film opened with a note implying that the movie itself is actual footage of what happened in a California home. And then there was a long intro that shows the protagonists going about their daily lives, and another long interview with a demonologist dude. It was so long and boring that I told the Imperial Brother that once the scary stuff starts, it better scare the living daylight out of me.

And the scary stuff did start, after what must have been thirty minutes. You know what happened? The door started moving on its own. Wow. How original and scary.

And the fact that the protagonists are just plain annoying didn't help. The whole "young couple having an argument all the time" angle just removed the creepy atmosphere, and the boyfriend is so bullheaded and stupid that I was disappointed he didn't get stabbed in front of the camera where I can happily watch his guts spill out. I mean, what kind of a stupid person challenges an entity that is unexplainable by science to show itself? And only an outright jerk would bring an Ouija board home even if his girlfriend who is about to be possessed by a demon told him not to. Also, do not show her videos of an exorcism, especially one where the patient eventually dies.

Anyway, though I was too annoyed to feel even the tiniest bit scared, the Imperial Brother however was trembling with fear. He had his arms around me halfway through the film, and he'd probably hide under my shirt if he can.

After the film, I calmly stood up because I needed to use the imperial bathroom.

Brother: Where are you going?
Empress: I'm going to take a leak.
Brother: *follows*
Empress: What the heck? I'm going to pee in the bathroom. This is something I need to do in private.
Brother: *follows*
Empress: *shuts bathroom door in Imperial Brother's face*

After taking care of my business, I found the Imperial Brother in the imperial patio clutching the Imperial Houseboy's shirt.

Empress: What... is this?
Brother: I, uh, was just escorting the Imperial Houseboy out of the gate.
Empress: Right.
Houseboy: Good night Your Majesty, Imperial Brother. *leaves*
Brother: So. Let's go to sleep.
Empress: I need to turn in my quest on WoW. Since you interrupted me with your stupid movie. Why don't you go ahead?
Brother: No, that's fine, I'll wait for you to finish playing.

I was planning on gaining a level that night, but decided to do it some other time because the Imperial Brother was clutching my shirt, and it was kinda hard to move.

Empress: Okay let's go to sleep.
Brother: Yay!
Empress: I can't believe I have to escort you to your bedchamber. How can such a coward like you be descended from the Imperial Line?
Brother: What? You're going to leave me in there? Alone?
Empress: ...
Brother: *clutches Empress' shirt*
Empress: Fine, let's turn the lights off in your bedchamber then.
Brother: Don't!
Empress: Why not?
Brother: I need to pee!
Empress: Then go pee while I turn off the lights in your bedchamber.
Brother: Don't! I need the hallway as brightly lit as possible while I pee!

So there I was, waiting right outside the imperial bathroom, with the door open of course, listening to the Imperial Brother pee. If I wasn't literally rolling on the floor laughing at the absurdity of the situation, I'd be considering sending him to the gallows for this affront to my imperial person.

Brother: I'm done.
Empress: Can we turn off the lights now?
Brother: Okay.
Empress: *marches to Imperial Brother's room*
Dog: *ducks under the Imperial Brother's bed*
Empress: *grabs the Imperial Dog* Don't go in there, that's the gateway to hell.
Brother: Waaah!

We then went to the imperial bedchamber, where the Imperial Brother promptly squeezed himself between me and the Imperial Dog on the bed.

Brother: Hug me all night.
Empress: No.
Brother: Hug me all night.
Empress: ...Fine. *hugs*
Brother: Tell me a story.
Empress: Okay. There is this one movie I watched that is much scarier than Paranormal Activity.
Brother: Tell me another story.

So I told him all the stupidest and funniest things that's been happening in my Imperial Life (ones I wouldn't publish on the Imperial Blog of course) until my throat is sore.

Empress: Okay I'm tired, and that's about all the funny stuff I can think of right now.
Brother: What time is it?
Empress: Hmm? ...3am.
Brother: Its only been an hour?
Empress: Well yes, but its 3am so let's sleep.
Brother: Tell me more stories.
Empress: I've got no more stories.
Brother: Tell me more Warcraft lore.
Empress: Don't you know more Warcraft lore than I do?
Brother: I forgot them all.
Empress: This is going to be a long night.

I fell asleep eventually, probably while telling another stupid and/or funny story. I have no idea if the Imperial Brother was able to get any sleep at all.

But not to worry, my loyal subjects, he seems to be back to normal now ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Halloween

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I realized that I cannot let Halloween officially end without posting an Imperial Blog Halloween post, so without further ado here is how I spent my Imperial Halloween.

Some members of the Imperial Court and I gathered at the Imperial Consort's palace for an evening of freaky Halloween fun. The greater part of the evening was spent playing Arkham Horror, with the Imperial Ambassador running his Zombie Apocalypse scenario.

Being Arkham veterans, we found the scenario boring at first, with everyone stifling yawns as we methodically cleared the streets of monsters and closed otherworldly gates. Finally, the Ambassador was able to roll his first random zombie, which appeared in a random location...

"Wow, a zombie appeared... at the graveyard! That is the last place I would expect a zombie to appear!" retorted the Head Imperial Chambermaid.

Slightly miffed, the Ambassador replaced his unlucky die, and began rolling up zombie after horde of zombies. His rolls were so successful that pretty soon, we found ourselves seeking medical and psychological aid, only to find both the hospital and the asylum crawling with the blasted things.

Lacking enough stamina, we succumbed to the earthquakes caused by the herds of Chthonians and Lloigors having a street party at the Independence Square.

You know that despair has set in when the Imperial Court began laughing our heads off because of the silliest of things. Failing to close all the gates in time, the Ancient One awakened, and of course what little sanity and weapons we had were not enough to stop it from devouring Arkham and ultimately, the world.

But we still couldn't stop laughing.

After the despair has waned off, we all settled down to watch a selection of scary and/or freaky and/or disturbing movies that the Head Imperial Chambermaid has pirated provided, as per our annual Halloween tradition.

Because I am an evil Empress, I chose to watch Antichrist first. Since none of you, my loyal subjects, are likely to watch this film anyway, I will now post spoilers.

The first part of the film was about sex, passion, sex, you know, boring stuff. It was so boring that the Imperial Consort can be heard snoring over the speakers. Though it was peppered with the occasional freaky and disturbing stuff, it was still mainly sex. And esoteric symbolisms that none of our highly sophisticated intelligences could fathom. And sex.

Then came the part where the wife had turned batshit crazy and trapped the husband in the barn.

The following conversation all happened within the span of one minute:

Chambermaid: What, are they going to have sex again?
Empress: Do they look like they are about to have sex again?
*Wife pulls out husband's meat.*
Empress: My imperial intelligence has been shamed.
*Wife slams block of wood against husband's... wood.*
Empress: OMG!
Chambermaid: WTF!
Priestess: *cowers*
*Wife begins stroking husband's meat.*
*Blood squirts out of husband's meat.*
Empress: WTF!
Chambermaid: OMG!
Priestess: *cowers*

And this was just the beginning. Other freakishly disturbing scenes followed.

Thus the Imperial Court have become officially disturbed.

I swear, Catholic schools should make their abstinence-only sex education students watch this film.

Even though the second film we watched, Let The Right One In, a tale about a pre-teen vampiress experiencing puppy love, had its own share of disturbing scenes, we still have disturbing visions from the first film lodged in our heads when it was time to sleep.

The next morning, the Imperial Court woke up to a Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition Forgotten Realms scenario ran by the Imperial Consort, the details of which I don't know about because I am currently in an anti-DnD crusade. I therefore spent the morning having some hack and slash action in World of Warcraft while the Court had their own hack and slash action in the Consort's game.

And this, my loyal subjects, was my Imperial Halloween. Hope you had fun in yours!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty