I hate the cold. Why I chose a sport that requires freezing temperatures is beyond me.
So anyway, yesterday I had my first session with my new skating coach. He's not so bad. He just made me skate faster. And jump higher. Oh, and I fell on my ass. And he swatted me on the ass for falling on my ass.
And like all skating coaches, he makes it a point to discourage his skaters from doing bad skating habits. Like looking at the ice. And I look at the ice all the time.
But see, I can explain.
When I was a wee little empress girl, an imperial coach was teaching me how to do my first ever skating jump. It was called the bunny hop. It was simple enough to do, you just have to swing your leg forward then jump with your other leg, making you look like a cute little bunny as you do so.
Anyway, I was doing bunny hops around the rink, excitedly showing off my new skills, when a fool of a commoner accidentally dropped a coin right where I landed my skate. This caused me to dive headfirst on the ice, slide halfway across the rink, and bruise my little imperial ego.
Though the commoner was severely punished, it took me a while to gather the imperial courage to start jumping again. Of course, I always kept checking the ice before I jump from then on.
Just last weekend, while skating in the same rink, an empty juice carton landed right in front of me just when I was about to do a waltz jump. I would have landed on it too if I didn't see it. I just avoided the carton and had the hapless child's homeroom teacher executed for failing to teach proper waste disposal practices.
And this, my loyal subjects, is why looking at the ice is not just a bad habit.
(I will, of course, try my best to stop doing this for fear of being swatted on the ass again.)
Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty
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