Imperial Skating Outfits

Greetings my loyal subjects!

My World of Warcraft server went on maintenance and I was bored. I therefore locked myself in the imperial bedchamber and contemplated on why I chose ice skating as my main sport.

See, I hate the cold. I also hate spinning, and am deathly afraid of heights. So why did I choose a sport that involves spinning and jumping on a frozen surface?

It was the outfits, I tell you. When I first saw ice skaters back when I was a wee little empress girl, the first thing I noticed were the clothes. They wore cute little skirts and sweaters, and leggings and gloves. I wanted to wear that stuff. Nevermind the fact that skaters fall on their bums and get bruises and scrapes on their knees and elbows all the time.

Of course, I have always been intelligent even as a wee little empress girl. I had the foresight to realize that I'd look stupid if I wore that stuff outside the skating rink. I also could have worn them in the rink, but my little imperial pride couldn't bear the thought of wearing cute skating clothes when I don't know how to skate, and thus being labeled a poser.

So by imperial decree, I declared that I shall take skating lessons. And since the imperial mother herself is a fashion freak, she helped me coordinate the cutest skating outfits ever. She'd make me wear cute skirts over cute leggings, and sometimes she'd make me layer a cute vest over my cute shirt. Which I, of course, wore with gusto. Nevermind the fact that I was just beginning to learn swizzles, and wouldn't dare attempt even just a tiny waltz jump.

Anyway, that was all in my imperial past. I still skate, mostly because I get to wear the cute outfits, and I still coordinate my clothes of course. Though I don't wear fancy leggings and vests too often anymore. Now, I usually just toss a cute skort or shorts over my skating tights and wear a cute shirt with it, and a cute hoodie in case I get cold.

Just in case you, my loyal subjects, were wondering ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

How To Raid A Dungeon With Three DPS And One Healer

Greetings my loyal subjects!

After another unsuccessful session at the skating rink today, where I once again failed to execute the perfect one foot spin, I decided to wind down by logging in with my new priestess on World of Warcraft. Because I am awesome, I immediately get invited to a group bound to raid an instanced dungeon.

Now we were supposed to have a tank. A paladin who suddenly had to log off because his cat is murdering his dog (the Imperial Dog is ashamed of the latter, by the way). But since the mage got over-excited upon having invited an awesome priestess, he plunged right into the dungeon without waiting for the paladin to log back in. Being the *responsible* priestess that I am, I couldn't bear to leave him in there to die alone so I followed him. The other two guys also followed suit.

So if any of you, my loyal subjects, ever find yourselves in the same situation as I am, I have come up with a few tips to help keep your sanity intact.

1) Always keep everyone in your line of sight. This includes the annoying warlock who got stricken by wanderlust and would explore every nook and cranny in the blasted dungeon, nevermind if it was crawling with elite monsters.

2) Always heal the hunter's pet bear. The bear is much more useful than the hunter himself. Also, keep in mind that you do not have a tank, and that the bear is better than having none at all. Otherwise the elite monsters will mob you and everyone will die.

3) If you run out of mana, spam "OUT OF MANA" on party chat until that phrase fills everyone's screens. Otherwise they will just keep attacking everything in sight even if they themselves are also out of mana.

4) Curse and scream obscenities at the stupid mage, the stupid warlock, and the stupid hunter. Make sure that the voice chat is turned off.

5) Hit yourself on the forehead for deciding to make a character that will have to be responsible and look after everyone's well being. Then bitterly wish that you logged in with your warlock instead.

I miss my warlock, and John Void too of course.

...I think I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Birthday Clause

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This weekend was the Imperial Consort's birthday bash. He celebrated by running his current favorite game ever, Dungeons and Dragons. Of course, because it is his birthday, the birthday clause dictates that I have to imperially participate in the game as well. And in case some of you, my perverted loyal subjects, are wondering: no, we did not have sex while playing DnD. Sickos.

Anyway, because the Imperial Consort knows me so well, he made me a character based on my playing style.

Empress: ...You made me a warlord?
Consort: She's not just a warlord, she is also a Princess of Cormyr! Do you like her?
Empress: I don't like swords.
Consort: Do you want her to use a mace instead?
Empress: ...

So the Imperial Court and I spent the afternoon whacking kobolds and gnomes when I could have been doing the same on World of Warcraft (except I'd be blasting them to smithereens with my spells instead of using something as barbaric as a sword).

Admittedly, though, I did actually have fun. Sometimes, an empress finds it relaxing to roleplay a mere princess. I also got to kick a beggar child in the rump and claim that I thought it was a rag doll (stuff you just can not do on a computer game).

The one thing I don't like about the game was the fact that it was very structured. See, in this scenario my character had to help her cousin out when she does not really care about his reputation and would rather do something else. But if I chose not to get my character to help, then the whole scenario is ruined for everyone else in the game... Its really like playing a linear video game where you have very limited choices (if any) on what to do in the game world, and the only thing you actually get to do is pilot the character(s) through battle scenes.

But I'm pretty sure that if the Imperial Consort designs a free-ranging campaign for me, I might actually enjoy Dungeons and Dragons ^_^

So here's to the Imperial Consort, and have a very happy birthday!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Valkyrie Profile

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Because I've been spending so much time alone in my bed trying to fight this accursed infection, I decided to dig out the old PSP to keep my imperial brain from stagnating. I wasn't really looking for any game in particular, so I just played whatever was already loaded on there, which was Valkyrie Profile.

In Valkyrie Profile you play the role of Lenneth, a goddess of war recently reawakened and tasked to go to Midgard to find mortal heroes suitable of becoming Einherjar. Boring enough, actually. But what really kept me playing was the epic warcries they shout during battle scenes. They're so epic I didn't mind hearing them over and over everytime a battle starts.

My favorite lines are from Princess Jelanda (Now face a princess's true wrath! This is divine punishment! Impudent fool! Ten thousand deaths are not enough for you!). She reminds me of myself back when I was a wee little empress girl.

Anyway, like I said, I was supposed to send the mightiest mortal heroes I find to Valhalla to help out in the war. Naturally, I sent Odin my weakest warrior, Llewellyn. I mean, he's the All-Father, right? If someone can whip Llewellyn to shape, it would be him.

At the end of the first chapter, Freya sent me a report on what's been happening in Asgard. We are losing the war, of course. Then I read a report on how Llewellyn's been doing. I found out that he's been promoted, he played a major role in an important battle, and he helped a poor animal.

I was incensed! I'm down here, recruiting hapless mortals, training them to wield a sword properly, and all I get in return are some lousy artifacts! While the hapless mortals themselves get to reap glory while kicking Vanyr butt!

...I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Empress Is Alive!!!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died. I, however, have been very very ill, and would require bed rest for the next week. What I am doing out of bed, however, is none of your commoner business.

Four days ago, I realized that my divine body has been telling me that something was terribly wrong after my usual treatment of lots of juice and sleep didn't appear to be working. I promptly marched to the Imperial Brother's room, where he and the Imperial Houseboy were engaged in a two-player Bomberman battle on their PSPs, and plopped myself on the bed so they couldn't ignore my commands.

After bidding them to serve my soup, bring my favorite blanket, turn the airconditioning up, no wait its too cold turn it back down, now its hot again turn it back up, and hand me my Ibuprofen which I have been popping like candy, I began giving them instructions, worthless louts that they are, on what to do in case I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Empress: ...and here is my health card, and here is my money, and... you!
Houseboy: Me?
Empress: Yes, you! What's your blood type?
Houseboy: ...O?
Empress: Good. Stay in the palace tonight in case I need a blood transfusion.
Houseboy: Would you like me to call the funeral house as well, just in case?
Empress: Impudent fool! I will not die! I am divine!

I did go to the hospital that night. Not because I was in mortal danger, but because the Imperial Mother called and insisted that I go right away for fear of having caught swine flu while I was in exile. Note that I've been in exile for five months and did not feel ill at all, and have been back in the motherland for almost a month now.

So to the hospital I went, where the physicians took my blood sample. I had to remind the nurse not to spill any blood on my imperially white hoodie as she was drawing some from my arm with a needle. After the lab results came, I was informed that I didn't have swine flu. I was given some antibiotics though that I have to take.

Anyway, the Imperial Consort came over for the weekend and took over the task of caring for me. We had this conversation sometime, I can't really remember when.

Consort: Your Majesty?
Empress: *groan*
Consort: Its my birthday next week.
Empress: *groan*
Consort: What do I get?
Empress: Sex.
Consort: ...Won't you try playing a game of DnD with me?
Empress: Look, if I wanted to dungeon crawl and whack monsters and loot treasure I'd play WoW or something.
Consort: Won't you give me a chance to impress you then?
Empress: Why, are we going to play DnD while having sex?
Consort: ...

Anyway, the Imperial Consort did a good enough job of taking care of me, and now I am more or less well enough to resume my imperial reign of glory. Hopefully I will be able to write more about what's been going on in my imperial life.

...I think I need my Ibuprofen now.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Obligatory Level Up! Live 2009 Post

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Apologies for missing yesterday's post for I was suffering from an imperial tummy ache. I basically spent the whole day yesterday lying in bed while groaning in pain. Afterwards, I grew bored so I spent the whole evening playing World of Warcraft while groaning in pain. Not to worry, though, my loyal subjects, for the infidel who poisoned my meal has been caught and duly executed. Moving on.

Every geek (the online gaming kind) who resides in the motherland isn't worth their salt if they didn't attend this year's Level Up! Live, and consequently blogging about it (if they own a blog). So without further ado, here is my obligatory Level Up! Live 2009 post.

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Level Up! Live is the motherland's biggest gathering of online gamers, usually lasting for two days. So why did I grace this year's event with my imperial presence? To play board games, of course! I mean, why else would I be there? I haven't played a single Level Up! game since returning from exile (except for Hello Kitty Online, which I played for one night just to learn the basics so I can teach it to an imperial cousin).

So anyway, the Imperial Ambassador brought his Arkham Horror board game with him, as usual (yes, he actually lugs the entire set with him wherever he goes). He did a re-run of his Zombie Apocalypse scenario, and we would have won too if the convention hall didn't have to close so early. With players rolling successfully even when they're cursed and the Ambassador pulling up relatively weak monsters for us to fight, the tables of despair have turned.

The next day, the Head Imperial Priestess ran a Dungeons and Dragons game, which I of course didn't participate in. I took this opportunity to wander around the convention hall, blatantly ignoring the online gaming tournaments, trying out head gears, eating smuggled food (you are not allowed to bring your own food into the venue, you must instead ingest the crappy food they serve or eat outside the hall), and getting myself into lots of random photos. There was even one where the Seneschal of the Council of Queens and I were wearing identical flower crowns (which I will not post due to imperial security reasons, and yes, I am imperially immune to your "pics or it didn't happen" crap).

Of course, the most exciting part of the weekend happened after the event itself, when majority of the Imperial Council gathered for a grand feast. Much food and merriment were shared, and since one of the many dishes served was fried fish, an Imperial Slave entertained us with lots of fish jokes.

I returned to the Imperial Palace tired but happy, my imperial bag filled with trinkets I bought (or got for free). I have a new shirt that the Head Imperial Bodyguard gave me, and sitting in the imperial fridge is a box of oatmeal bars that the Head Imperial Baker made (that I swiped from the Head Imperial Chauffer's car).

All in all, it was a great online gaming weekend, which barely had anything to do with online gaming and more to do with friendships and creating great memories together.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Tummy Ache

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I am suffering from an imperial tummy ache.

Regular programming will resume tomorrow.

A Bad Imperial Skating Habit

Greetings my loyal subjects!


I hate the cold. Why I chose a sport that requires freezing temperatures is beyond me.

So anyway, yesterday I had my first session with my new skating coach. He's not so bad. He just made me skate faster. And jump higher. Oh, and I fell on my ass. And he swatted me on the ass for falling on my ass.

And like all skating coaches, he makes it a point to discourage his skaters from doing bad skating habits. Like looking at the ice. And I look at the ice all the time.

But see, I can explain.

When I was a wee little empress girl, an imperial coach was teaching me how to do my first ever skating jump. It was called the bunny hop. It was simple enough to do, you just have to swing your leg forward then jump with your other leg, making you look like a cute little bunny as you do so.

Anyway, I was doing bunny hops around the rink, excitedly showing off my new skills, when a fool of a commoner accidentally dropped a coin right where I landed my skate. This caused me to dive headfirst on the ice, slide halfway across the rink, and bruise my little imperial ego.

Though the commoner was severely punished, it took me a while to gather the imperial courage to start jumping again. Of course, I always kept checking the ice before I jump from then on.

Just last weekend, while skating in the same rink, an empty juice carton landed right in front of me just when I was about to do a waltz jump. I would have landed on it too if I didn't see it. I just avoided the carton and had the hapless child's homeroom teacher executed for failing to teach proper waste disposal practices.

And this, my loyal subjects, is why looking at the ice is not just a bad habit.

(I will, of course, try my best to stop doing this for fear of being swatted on the ass again.)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Halloween

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I realized that I cannot let Halloween officially end without posting an Imperial Blog Halloween post, so without further ado here is how I spent my Imperial Halloween.

Some members of the Imperial Court and I gathered at the Imperial Consort's palace for an evening of freaky Halloween fun. The greater part of the evening was spent playing Arkham Horror, with the Imperial Ambassador running his Zombie Apocalypse scenario.

Being Arkham veterans, we found the scenario boring at first, with everyone stifling yawns as we methodically cleared the streets of monsters and closed otherworldly gates. Finally, the Ambassador was able to roll his first random zombie, which appeared in a random location...

"Wow, a zombie appeared... at the graveyard! That is the last place I would expect a zombie to appear!" retorted the Head Imperial Chambermaid.

Slightly miffed, the Ambassador replaced his unlucky die, and began rolling up zombie after horde of zombies. His rolls were so successful that pretty soon, we found ourselves seeking medical and psychological aid, only to find both the hospital and the asylum crawling with the blasted things.

Lacking enough stamina, we succumbed to the earthquakes caused by the herds of Chthonians and Lloigors having a street party at the Independence Square.

You know that despair has set in when the Imperial Court began laughing our heads off because of the silliest of things. Failing to close all the gates in time, the Ancient One awakened, and of course what little sanity and weapons we had were not enough to stop it from devouring Arkham and ultimately, the world.

But we still couldn't stop laughing.

After the despair has waned off, we all settled down to watch a selection of scary and/or freaky and/or disturbing movies that the Head Imperial Chambermaid has pirated provided, as per our annual Halloween tradition.

Because I am an evil Empress, I chose to watch Antichrist first. Since none of you, my loyal subjects, are likely to watch this film anyway, I will now post spoilers.

The first part of the film was about sex, passion, sex, you know, boring stuff. It was so boring that the Imperial Consort can be heard snoring over the speakers. Though it was peppered with the occasional freaky and disturbing stuff, it was still mainly sex. And esoteric symbolisms that none of our highly sophisticated intelligences could fathom. And sex.

Then came the part where the wife had turned batshit crazy and trapped the husband in the barn.

The following conversation all happened within the span of one minute:

Chambermaid: What, are they going to have sex again?
Empress: Do they look like they are about to have sex again?
*Wife pulls out husband's meat.*
Empress: My imperial intelligence has been shamed.
*Wife slams block of wood against husband's... wood.*
Empress: OMG!
Chambermaid: WTF!
Priestess: *cowers*
*Wife begins stroking husband's meat.*
*Blood squirts out of husband's meat.*
Empress: WTF!
Chambermaid: OMG!
Priestess: *cowers*

And this was just the beginning. Other freakishly disturbing scenes followed.

Thus the Imperial Court have become officially disturbed.

I swear, Catholic schools should make their abstinence-only sex education students watch this film.

Even though the second film we watched, Let The Right One In, a tale about a pre-teen vampiress experiencing puppy love, had its own share of disturbing scenes, we still have disturbing visions from the first film lodged in our heads when it was time to sleep.

The next morning, the Imperial Court woke up to a Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition Forgotten Realms scenario ran by the Imperial Consort, the details of which I don't know about because I am currently in an anti-DnD crusade. I therefore spent the morning having some hack and slash action in World of Warcraft while the Court had their own hack and slash action in the Consort's game.

And this, my loyal subjects, was my Imperial Halloween. Hope you had fun in yours!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Joy

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster this past few days. Despite the previous emo post, a typhoon, and my gay friend going ninja on me and making anonymous comments on the Imperial Blog, I ended the weekend feeling happier.

And now, because everybody hates Mondays, I am going to talk about work.

A client of mine wanted to make the switch from Windows to Linux. They have applications written in Visual Basic that access and manipulate Microsoft Office documents. The thing is, when they said the want to move away from Microsoft, they meant they want to move everything away from Microsoft. Including documents.

The thing is, their Visual Basic applications manipulate the documents using macros (written in, guess what, Visual Basic for Applications). They want to use Open Office instead, whose macros must be written in Open Office Basic.

Thus, this is what they wanted me to do: Find the differences between VBA and OOB, and write an automated translator so we don't have to do it manually.

I of course thought that this was a nigh impossible task. I spent the previous week researching and trying things out and getting frustrated in the process.

But this morning, something wondrous happened. I discovered that Open Office does support VBA. All I have to do is add a single line of code at the top.

See, a programmer's job is to solve problems They deal with long hours of stress and frustration trying to figure out just how the heck to make things work. Heck, even when I'm asleep, I often dream about trying to fix stuff (when I wake up I already have a solution in my head :p).

But when things like these happen, when you find a solution to a problem that you initially thought was impossible to solve, you are consumed by that overwhelming feeling of euphoria that you just want to jump around and scream and dance with joy.

And this is what keeps a programmer going.

Sorry for the lack of angst and sarcasm. I'm just too damn happy today.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty