Teeth

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Today, the Internet in the Imperial Palace died for a few hours. This left me and the Imperial Brother no choice but to, well, not do chores of course, but to grab the remote control and look for something to watch on TV.

So we ended up watching Teeth on Star Movies. We didn't get to watch it from the beginning, but we sort of got the gist of it. It's about this Christian girl who is obsessed with "purity", then finding out that she has this medical condition called vagina dentata. This means that her vagina has teeth. I actually looked this up and to my horror, I discovered that such myths actually exist. (According to Wikipedia anyway... not that Wikipedia is a reliable source...)

Anyway, those teeth must have rivaled any piranha's because they manage to cut the penises of anyone who tries to have sex with her (or the fingers of anyone who tries to finger her). Tasteless, I know. I'm not even going to apologize for putting up spoilers on here because you wouldn't want to watch this movie anyway.

I mean, come on! What sane person would come up with a movie about teeth in a vagina? I bet whoever made this movie was toked up one night, stumbled upon the term, and thought it was hilarious. That, or he's a 12-year-old boy.

In fact, I think there are only two scenes here that are worth watching at all. The first one is when she tried to have sex with her brother, whose penis got cut off. He tries to get his dog to attack her but it ends up eating the severed organ instead. The second one is when she hitched a ride with a dirty old man, who made disturbingly hilarious faces at her after he brought her to a motel.

The Imperial Brother and I seriously wondered if that movie earned any money at all. It probably would have if the girl was hot, but really...

Anyway, we got our Internet back, so we can at least move in with our happy little imperial lives ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Mammoth, pt 2

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has another mammoth.

I know, I know, I already bought one earlier, but... I don't have one in white yet! >.<

I will now watch some Dora the Explorer episodes. Because I need to be inspired. For something.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Plastic, Eggs, and Bacon

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The imperial chambermaids did a most preposterous thing! They have left the Imperial Palace for their home province because they wanted to be part of their pathetic commoner festival! This left me and the Imperial Brother in quite a predicament.

Today, the Imperial Brother demanded -er- requested bacon and eggs for breakfast -er- dinner. Because I am a kind, loving, and generous Empress, I indulged him. I steeled myself and marched into that area of the palace where no empress should be seen working - the kitchen.

So I set about preparing the Imperial Brother's meal. I first cooked the eggs, which he demanded -er- requested to be sunny side up, and here is the result.

I ended up scrambling one of them because I cracked the shell in the wrong spot and the egg landed on the frying pan with a broken yolk >_<

Now this, my loyal subjects, is an innocent looking place mat.

As you can see, it is made of plastic.

Now this is what happens when you accidentally place a hot frying pan on top of an innocent plastic place mat.

Congratulations, Empress, you have just contributed to the widening of the hole in the ozone layer.

Anyway, I underestimated the amount of bacon left in the freezer, and this is how much I was able to make >_<

And that, my loyal subjects, is the Imperial Brother's dinner. He will eat it, and enjoy it, or it is off with his head.

Needless to say, my cooking skill has now increased by 1 ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Battlestrider

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a new mount.

It is a mechanostrider, the gnome mount, which is the closest I can get to a hawkstrider, the blood elf mount. This is because I am actually a blood elf pretending to be human.

Anyway, at least I have a mount that doesn't not fit through doorways now.

I now leave you with a funny onyxia wipe voice chat animation that the Imperial Starfish showed me.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Dam

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I visited a friend's palace because he needed inspiration for the new game world he was creating. So we spent the afternoon hanging out at the palace's roof deck and just throwing ideas at each other.

Eventually, we came up with an empire that built a dam on the mouth of a huge lake.

Empress: ...and people also live around the dammed lake because that area is fertile.
Consort: *smirk*
Empress: ...and people also live on the dam itself so that the dam engineers can repair it when necessary.
Consort: *snicker*
Empress: ...maybe there's a city on the dam, so there is a separate dam area for the engineers to work in.
Consort: *snort*
Empress: ...to protect it, they built a dam wall, and the dam soldiers have huge crossbows all over.
Consort: Hahahahaha!
Empress: ~_~ You know what, let's just call it the Big Dam City ~_~ The dam people live there, and the dam food is good, what with the dam fish growing so fat and easy to catch.
Consort: You're so dam funny!

Needless to say, the pun lasted well into the evening. We ate delicious homemade curry rice for dinner and had banana milk shakes spiked with rose water and cardamom for dessert ^_^

Hope we all have a dam good week ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Worm

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a worm.

Well, its not really a worm. Its a cobra hatchling pet, but it looks like a miniature version of the hunter worm pet. It was given to me by a friend who switched realms because ours suck. He will be missed Q.Q

Anyway, the Imperial Ambassador went into a dungeon one day and I, of course, brought my new worm with me. See, I have a macro for my Divine Hymn spell that makes my priest say fancy stuff while casting it. But because having a pet worm automatically makes anyone imba, this is what my priest said instead.

Empress: [Demonic] Lok Ashjrakamas Zar azarathud EnkiLZAR!
Ambassador: Uh... Your Majesty, did you just cast your Divine Hymn spell in Demonic?
Empress: ...It's the worm! It's the worm, I tell you! It made me so imba, I'm speaking in tongues!

It turned out that I had the spell Curse of Tongues cast on me, but I still blame the worm!

On our next Exalted game, my Zenith will cast her healing spells in Malfean.



Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Mammoth

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a mammoth.

That's me in my Furious Gladiator set by the way. It has become my default outfit when not raiding or doing instances. At least it doesn't make me look like a garbage bag.

Anyway, the reason why I saved up for a mammoth (even if my gear is still ungemmed... mounts take priority over gear ^_^) is because it is my dream to be part of a mammoth train.

That is a mammoth train. It consists of at least two mammoths on a straight line and marching slowly around Dalaran. It's real cute to watch, actually ^_^

The problem with mammoths is the fact that they are too big.

That is me trying to squeeze my mammoth through the Ironforge auction house doorway. Of course, the mammoth will never fit. I also get this problem when trying to go through doorways in battle grounds ^_^

There is only one solution for this problem.

Save up for a smaller mount ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

iPad

Greetings my loyal subjects!

It started with an innocent question.

"Empy, what is an iPad?"

I knew that the Imperial Mother has been wanting to get herself a netbook so she can surf the Internet wherever she goes, and when she asked that question when we were talking on the phone one day, I told her to get on her computer and log on to her IM. I then sent her a link to this video.

So the Imperial Mother was watching the video and began squealing with glee on how cool she thinks it is and how she's definitely buying one >_< Just then, the Imperial Father decided to look over my shoulder where my lappy is playing the same video and watched for awhile.

Then, the Imperial Father was tugging on my sleeve squealing with glee on how cool he thinks it is and how he's definitely buying one >_<

Parents >_< They lecture us on how tough things were back in their day with the lack of cellphones and the Internet, and a new gadget shows up and they want to buy it right away.


 Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Tale of the Drunk Octopus

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Like I said, I had my emo haircut some time back and have been skating with the bangs covering my face. So last week I was warming up by doing Salchow jumps...

...and fell.

The fall wasn't so bad, but because I'm a closet emo drama queen, I rolled unto my back and lied down flat on the ice. I began flailing my arms and legs about like a helpless, well, emo.

"BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB!" I cried.

At this point, sifu skated over to me and screamed, "GET UP! YOU LOOK LIKE A DRUNK OCTOPUS!"

Well. He did have a point.

On my next Exalted game, my Lunar will get herself drunk and assume an octopus form.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty