The Christmas season just wouldn't feel complete without a trip to the amusement park, so the Imperial Court decided to visit one sometime last week.
Because I am afraid of heights and being turned upside down, I of course didn't come unprepared. I arrived at the park wearing a tiny dress to discourage the Court from making me ride a roller coaster. After all, what loyal subjects would suffer to see Her Majesty's underpants exposed for all the lowly commoners to see?
Was I wrong. When the Court saw the roller coaster, the Head Imperial Priestess immediately grabbed my arm before I could sneak away to hide behind some fake mummy in the haunted house. I demanded my release of course, which fell on deaf ears. I pointed out my lack of modest clothing, to no avail. Eventually I was begging - BEGGING! - not to be forced to ride the damn thing, but the Priestess declared that the gods had demanded that I ride my first roller coaster then and there, at the most unsafe amusement park in the motherland.
That said, the Imperial Ambassador, the Head Imperial Artist, and an imperial slave each grabbed my remaining limbs and dragged me writhing and screaming to the roller coaster, while the Seneschal for the Council of Queens looked on.
I, of course, did not enjoy the ride. That was the most terrifying two minutes of my entire imperial life. Never mind the fact that a park full of lowly, ungrateful commoners who idly stood by as their ruling monarch was made to suffer this indignity are feasting on the sight of my imperial panties. I was screaming my lungs off, cursing my imperial birth and all the responsibility that comes with it. When I was finally allowed to walk away from this torture on my unsteady feet, I swore I was ready to attempt a double axel.
But it wasn't over. The Imperial Ambassador led me to the boat ride, and no I didn't mean the nice little things that float on a tiny fake lake where you can relax and feel the gentle waves of the filthy brackish water. I meant those torture devices shaped like a boat and would raise you fifty feet in the air and shake you until you've lost your lunch - even if you didn't have lunch.
The Imperial Ambassador called it The Imperial Torture Device. This is where we will strap infidels who defy my imperial rule and shake them into submission. I was about to ask him if by infidels he meant those such as the Imperial Court, but before I could do that he insisted that I personally test the device to see if it does its job to my satisfaction.
And so the Court once again grabbed each of my limbs and strapped me at the shakiest end of the boat.
After another two minutes of raining imperial saliva at the park grounds below, the Imperial Court and I settled down and bought snacks and explored the haunted house, where I had some small satisfaction watching as the Court forced the Imperial Ambassador at the head of the line, where he'd scream like a little girl every time a mechanical fictional creature jumped at him from some dark corner.
And thus concluded another day in my imperial life.
Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty
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