When Questing Goes Wrong

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Recently, I have been accompanying an imperial slave as he adventures through Azeroth and Outland with his paladin. Specifically, he has been doing quests and would rudely interrupt my Battlestar Galactica viewing marathon work whenever he needs a healer to keep him alive while he kills an elite monster.

One day, the imperial slave encountered an ancient shadowmoon spirit somewhere in Shadowmoon Valley. So he goes around collecting certain items for this kindly old spirit, just because he is a good law abiding paladin (and because he needed the experience points).

When all the items have been collected, the ancient shadowmoon spirit gave a wicked grin and said,

"Surely you did not believe the fairy tale that I told you. The Altar of Shadows is my prison. Without your help, I would have been stuck here for all eternity. Now, I will take over your body and you will destroy my captors and break these bonds. Refuse and we will both be stuck here forever."

It turned out that the kindly old spirit was Teron Gorefiend, a powerful and evil death knight! So he possesses the imperial slave, and I was there laughing my arse off because he was so easily fooled, even as he unwillingly killed Gorefiend's warden.

So anyway, after getting over the fact that he had actually helped a dead death knight possess him, the imperial slave met a kindly old troll who so very nicely asked him to massacre the other trolls in Drak'tharon Keep. And because he is a good law abiding paladin, he obliged.

After the deed was done, the kindly old troll appeared and thanked him for his help. Then all of a sudden, none other than the Lich King stepped out of a portal and praised the troll for adding an entire city to his undead armies.

Once again, the imperial slave began cursing his own stupidity because he was fooled into doing something evil yet again, while I was there laughing my arse off (and drooling over Arthas, because I'm a hopeless Arthas fan girl).

The imperial slave has since sworn that he will SO research these quests before agreeing to do them.

But where's the fun in that? ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

A Letter From The Imperial Skating Rink

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I, by the Appointment of the Stars the 99th Ruler of the Empire, wish to say a few words.

1) If you are gazing upon the rink from the second floor balcony, make sure that you or your children do not drop candy wrappers onto the ice surface. Not only will it score you a one way ticket to the gallows, it would also cause harm to my loyal but clumsy subjects who are skating below.

2) If you and your special someone wish to make out, please do so in a private place. Note that the space right outside the skating rink is not a private place. There are people in the skating rink who can clearly see through the clear plexiglass what exactly the heck you are doing.

3) If you decide to try ice skating for yourself, stay on the sides of the rink. Skating is a dangerous sport, and people get hurt because clumsy beginners uncontrollably crash into other clumsy beginners. Only attempt skating in the middle when you have passed Basic Skating Level 3. By then you should have learned enough control to get the heck out of a clumsy beginner's way.

4) If you see me skating backwards, get the heck out of my way. I will most likely attempt a change foot spin, which I still have not learned after 2 months of working on it. But I am determined like heck to finally frigging learn it, and will literally mow down anyone in my path. So get the heck out of my way.

Heed these words, my loyal subjects, for my word is law.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

More Crazy Headgear

Greetings my loyal subjects!

My recent adventures in Northrend have yielded new rare gear for my priestess to wear. Utgarde Keep in particular gave me a Reinforced Velvet Helm which I wore right away, without even bothering to see what it looked like.

Later, while I was hanging out in the Ironforge auction house, a random gnome came up to me and said "My, you look like a dominatrix!"

I guess my priestess's ordeal with crazy looking headgear is far from over.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

The Tale of The Bloodthirsty Blade

Greetings my loyal subjects!

A week ago I left my skates at sifu's so he can have the blades sharpened. I can hold my edges better now, and the blades are ready to slice through ice and infidel alike.

This reminds me of the time when I first got my skates. The boots were still very stiff so I was very uncomfortable and cranky. And the blades of course were freshly sharpened.

Anyway, sifu decided to help me break them in by making me practice jump landings. He knew I was more aware of my throbbing feet than the clumsy skaters who were falling all over the place, so he shooed them away whenever I set up for a waltz jump.

But there was this one idiot boy who was skating in the opposite direction from everyone else, and headed my way. Both sifu and I assumed everyone will be intelligent enough to know what the arrows on the walls of the rink meant and wasn't expecting anyone to be coming in from the opposite direction.

So I jumped. And I landed. I was careful to make sure that I keep my chin up, lean back on my shoulders, and keep my toe pointed.

Then I hit something.

I looked back, and I saw this boy wearing a nice pair of denim shorts, his shin a bloody mess. I stayed in a perfect landing position for approximately three seconds before it registered that I had cut someone's leg open.

Sifu escorted the boy out of the rink, but not before telling me to continue practicing and don't worry about anything else.

Nobody dared come close to my little corner of the rink the rest of the afternoon.

So. My blades are sharp once again. I wonder who their next victim will be?

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

More Imperial PUG Adventures!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Unfortunately, this is going to be short since I've been distracted by World of Warcraft and work for the last week :-(

Anyway, I have recently reached level 70 on my priestess. That means I get to try the Northrend dungeons for the first time! So I queue for one using the Dungeon Finder, and I got into a group heading into Utgarde Keep.

It was okay. It was the usual kill the mobs, kill the bosses, get new gear experience. Then we got to the last boss. And killed him.

So he's dead, right? Then the other guys in the group started shouting at me.

"HIDE BEHIND A PILLAR! QUICK!"

I looked around, confused, and asked, "Why?"

Then I hear this terrifying voice say,

"I RETURN! A SECOND CHANCE TO CARVE OUT YOUR SKULL!"

And the resurrected boss dropped right on top of me.

The rest of the group laughed at me as I ran around screaming "OMGOMGOMGOMG" (while keeping everyone alive, of course).

So that was my first ever Northrend dungeon. I've tried the other Northrend dungeons as well, each proving to be more interesting than the last. But they are much more fun than the old dungeons ^_^

...I think I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Yet Another Battlestar Galactica Weekend

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Ever since the Imperial Ambassador first introduced his Battlestar Galactica board game to the Imperial Court, we have been playing it every weekend since. We just love the fact that it provides us another venue for the backstabbing and intrigue that is commonplace in the Imperial Court anyway (but like other officials in any form of government, we are hopelessly addicted to them).

Of course, everybody still presumes I am a Cylon even before the loyalty cards are distributed ^_^

So anyway, on last weekend's game, an imperial subject (hereby referred to as subject 1) immediately revealed himself as a Cylon early in the game. That means there is only one more Cylon hiding amongst us, so we immediately began accusing each other (and they don't even accuse me, since it is already an established fact that I am a Cylon >_>).

Then another imperial subject (hereby referred to as subject 2) sent the Head Imperial Librarian, who was currently president, to the brig, which led me to suspect that he was the Cylon.

The third imperial subject (hereby referred to as subject 3) began screwing up so much, that the Head Imperial Librarian also sent him to the brig, never mind that he wasn't actually a Cylon ~_~.

At the middle of the game, I was revealed to be a Cylon, though unfortunately I sympathized with the humans >_>. I was sent to the brig anyway.

At this point there were three of us in the brig, including the President and the Admiral (I was playing the Admiral this game). And because the Head Imperial Warlock is an evil bastard, he chose this time to reveal himself to be a Cylon and sent subject 2 to the brig.

Now all the humans (and sympathizers) are in the brig, with the Cylons freely screwing Galactica up. We were all laughing like mad at the despairing fact that humanity is doomed and we're not even halfway to Kobol. Never mind the fact that this is all because we were too busy accusing each other of being Cylons to properly keep Galactica in decent shape in the first place.

So we continued playing Prison Break -I mean- Battlestar Galactica anyway, but by the time we managed to get out of the brig all of our civilians were either dead or dying ^_^

Thus the Cylons win. Again.

So anyway, after the game subject 1 bought a pirated copy of the first season of the series, and we all watched it while having our evening feast. Subject 1 told me to watch out for Caprica Six, because he's sure I'd love her.

Empress: Is that Caprica Six?
Subject: Yes Your Majesty.
Empress: ...Is she a Cylon?
Subject: Yes Your Majesty.
Empress: Why does everyone assume that I love Cylons, or actually am one?
---after the first scene---
Empress: I LOVE CAPRICA SIX! OMG, I LOVE Caprica Six!!!

I am now badgering the Imperial Consort to get me a copy of the entire series so I can admire my newest idol ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Converse Double Uppers

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The Imperial Mother has sent me two pairs of Converse Double Uppers for Christmas.

As you can see, they have two sets of shoelaces and two sets of eyelets on them. But I think they look cool so I wanted to wear them right away.

So I set about trying to figure out how to lace the darn things. The first thing I tried is to lace them up normally, like how you would lace up any other sneaker except this time I have to do it on two layers.

I didn't like how it turned out. The laces on the top layer practically covered the entire bottom layer, and I wanted both layers to be seen clearly.

So I spent the afternoon trying to research on the Internet on how the heck do I lace these things. Frustrated, I ended up calling the Imperial Mother to ask her how.

"You are such an idiot. You're only supposed to lace the bottom layer, then keep the extra laces as spare."

So I did just that, and it turned out pretty well.

Then I got to the second pair of sneakers.

See, this pair came with two different colored laces, and I couldn't decide which one to use. Actually, I wanted to use them both >.<

So after hours of lacing and unlacing the thing, and getting lots of little nicks on my imperial fingers because they keep getting scraped by the eyelets, this is what I came up with.

I'm not exactly wild about this solution, but it'd do well enough for me right now until I come up with another one.

I still can't wait to wear them though ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Skating Rant

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Please excuse the lack of amusing posts lately. I'm just frustrated at the fact that I've been trying to learn the change foot spin for a month now, and still haven't shown any progress with it. Sifu has been scaring me with stories of other skaters taking a year just to learn it, while other skaters have confirmed that it took them months. It did take me three months to learn the one foot spin, but still! I just wanna get this over with so I can move on with my imperial life! >.<

Anyway, last night the Head Imperial Chauffeur and I went out for coffee, where I entertained him by making mean and nasty comments about all those infidel mortals who refuse to bow to my imperial rule. Whenever I do that, though, I end up taking a nasty fall the next time I go skating.

So this afternoon, I ended up doing just that. I was getting frustrated trying to learn the change foot spin, while sifu was equally frustrated trying to spin me around (literally - he was swinging my arm and leaving me spinning like a top) when I finally got it... for like two rotations then I lost my balance and fell hard on my bum.

I really hate having to leave the rink without feeling like I accomplished anything. It feels like a total waste of (expensive) ice time, but at the same time I can't force my divine but mortal body to continue skating if it was dead tired.

Oh well. I'm chucking this up to exhaustion, and a slight emotional imbalance in my otherwise perfect imperial life.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial PUG Adventures!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Is this why I always get lost in Azeroth?

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Bubbles!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This story is just too funny not to share. (Warning: May require some experience with Word of Warcraft to appreciate.)

One of the things I like about WoW is that you get to go on dungeon runs with random strange people off the Internet. The randomness and strangeness adds to the unpredictability of the run which makes for an exciting experience.

So anyway, one night I was out with a group raiding a dungeon. Then the tank had to leave, so the group was deciding on what to do next.

Mage: So, do we look for a new tank?
Paladin: I can tank.
Mage: Okay.

We stood around for a few seconds, waiting for the paladin to change into tanking gear. When it was apparent that he wasn't doing such a thing, the mage asked again.

Mage: Uh, do you have a shield or some such?
Paladin: No.
Mage: So how are you planning to tank?
Paladin: With this! *casts Divine Shield* *a bubble forms around him*
Hunter: Bubbles?!?!
Priest: Yeah! Bubbles! Like this! *casts Power Word Shield on the paladin* *another bubble forms around him*

I know. I couldn't resist making the already annoyed hunter and mage even more annoyed ^_^

So we were finally ready to face our first mob with our bubbled paladin. I struggled to stop giggling and focused on attempting to salvage everyone's asses from certain doom.

I placed a bubble around him, and he charged.

The mob literally ran right through him.

I tried to keep the mage and the hunter alive anyway, but the paladin had to say the most fail and/or epic line ever.

Paladin: ...I can't tank.

At this point, I had to let go of my mouse and my keyboard and began literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

We all died, of course ^_^

Fun times!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Battlestar Galactica

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Ambassador brought out his brand new Battlestar Galactica board game for the Imperial Court to try. The game is based, of course, on the hit TV series itself. The object of the game is to make sure that Battlestar Galactica reaches Kobol before the Cylons destroy it, while managing the ship's resources, making repairs, and bullshitting the lowly citizens into believing that the huge hole in the engineering bay was caused by a tiny asteroid and not by a Cylon mothership.

The thing is, the Cylons are actually some of the players also, though nobody knew who they were.

So we played the game, and Galactica was doing fine at first even though everyone believed that I was a Cylon. Halfway through the game though, the Head Imperial Librarian (who was President of Galactica) was found out to be a Cylon and therefore proceeded to openly screw us up. The presidency was then passed to the Head Imperial Warlock.

Then, just when Galactica was only one jump away from Kobol, I realized that the Head Imperial Warlock and the Head Imperial Tailor (who was Admiral of Galactica) were also Cylons. In a desperate attempt to save Galactica, I staged a mutiny to throw the Head Imperial Tailor out of office so that the Imperial Consort can become the new Admiral. I was successful, even though the Imperial Consort fought so hard against me because he still believed that I was a Cylon.

But I was too late. Right after I threw the Head Imperial Tailor in jail, the Head Imperial Warlock revealed himself to be a Cylon and proceeded to blow the ship up.

So anyway, it was still a fun game and very realistic; the leaders of humanity all turned out to be Cylons and the only one who tried to stop them was the lowly engineer - and everyone still believed she was a Cylon.

I can't wait to play this game again ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Torture Device

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The Christmas season just wouldn't feel complete without a trip to the amusement park, so the Imperial Court decided to visit one sometime last week.

Because I am afraid of heights and being turned upside down, I of course didn't come unprepared. I arrived at the park wearing a tiny dress to discourage the Court from making me ride a roller coaster. After all, what loyal subjects would suffer to see Her Majesty's underpants exposed for all the lowly commoners to see?

Was I wrong. When the Court saw the roller coaster, the Head Imperial Priestess immediately grabbed my arm before I could sneak away to hide behind some fake mummy in the haunted house. I demanded my release of course, which fell on deaf ears. I pointed out my lack of modest clothing, to no avail. Eventually I was begging - BEGGING! - not to be forced to ride the damn thing, but the Priestess declared that the gods had demanded that I ride my first roller coaster then and there, at the most unsafe amusement park in the motherland.

That said, the Imperial Ambassador, the Head Imperial Artist, and an imperial slave each grabbed my remaining limbs and dragged me writhing and screaming to the roller coaster, while the Seneschal for the Council of Queens looked on.

I, of course, did not enjoy the ride. That was the most terrifying two minutes of my entire imperial life. Never mind the fact that a park full of lowly, ungrateful commoners who idly stood by as their ruling monarch was made to suffer this indignity are feasting on the sight of my imperial panties. I was screaming my lungs off, cursing my imperial birth and all the responsibility that comes with it. When I was finally allowed to walk away from this torture on my unsteady feet, I swore I was ready to attempt a double axel.

But it wasn't over. The Imperial Ambassador led me to the boat ride, and no I didn't mean the nice little things that float on a tiny fake lake where you can relax and feel the gentle waves of the filthy brackish water. I meant those torture devices shaped like a boat and would raise you fifty feet in the air and shake you until you've lost your lunch - even if you didn't have lunch.

The Imperial Ambassador called it The Imperial Torture Device. This is where we will strap infidels who defy my imperial rule and shake them into submission. I was about to ask him if by infidels he meant those such as the Imperial Court, but before I could do that he insisted that I personally test the device to see if it does its job to my satisfaction.

And so the Court once again grabbed each of my limbs and strapped me at the shakiest end of the boat.

After another two minutes of raining imperial saliva at the park grounds below, the Imperial Court and I settled down and bought snacks and explored the haunted house, where I had some small satisfaction watching as the Court forced the Imperial Ambassador at the head of the line, where he'd scream like a little girl every time a mechanical fictional creature jumped at him from some dark corner.

And thus concluded another day in my imperial life.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Happy New Year, My Loyal Subjects!

May everyone be surrounded by their true friends in times of uncertainty, as it did in mine ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty