An Exhausting Imperial Weekend

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I just went through an action packed weekend, which included the following activities:

1) Making fun of an innocent person whose only crime was to mistake me for someone they knew from the distant past. The Head Imperial Chambermaid and I came up with loads of nasty insults aimed at said innocent person, making the Imperial Ambassador uncomfortable and wish he wasn't part of the conversation. I even laughingly told them that bad karma will hit me during skating practice, making me wipe out and painfully land on my bum when I do my toe loop attempts.

2) Skating practice. I landed my first (uncheated!) salchow jump. I also did toe loop attempts, and yes, bad karma did hit me and I did wipe out, painfully landing on my bum.

3) Serving as imperial life guard at a certain 15 pound one-year-old's birthday luau. My job was to hang out at the deep end of the pool, making sure none of the 15 pound one-year-old's little friends strayed too far from the shallow end. If they did end up straying too far from the shallow end, I was to make sure that they drown so they wouldn't have a chance to grow up and pass on their idiot genes to their would-be offspring. I also had to do all that while carrying said 15 pound one-year-old in my arms, making sure we both do not drown.

4) Getting imperially drunk at a party. See, I was trying to get myself to stop making fun of the innocent person stated in 1). Unfortunately, the alcohol only made the pranks and comments like, ten times nastier.

Needless to say, I am imperially tired. I will now hit the imperial sack and try to recover my imperial energy.

Regular imperial programming will resume tomorrow.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Crazy Headgear

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Part of the fun in playing World of Warcraft is going into instanced dungeons and finding rare gear.

Some time ago, I had my new priestess join a group headed into Gnomeregan. It was fun of course, and the group loved my epic heals as usual. Then we faced the final boss, Mekgineer Thermaplugg. And defeated him, of course.

When we looted his corpse, we found an Electromagnetic Gigaflux Reactivator. I won the roll, and I was so happy to be able to wear my first rare headgear. Until I actually wore it. And it looked like this:

That is not my priestess, that is a random gnome wearing an Electromagnetic Gigaflux Reactivator. But anyway, the point is it looked ridiculous on my imperial priestess head. And as if the mini satellite dish isn't bad enough, the thing actually spins around your head, as if looking for a signal from Outland or something.

So I had to endure wearing that thing for several days, and I couldn't take it off because its stats are so much better than the other headgear I found. I also had to endure the cyber stares of virtually everyone I see in-game, and more than a few of them actually stopped to ask me what the heck I'm wearing.

I eventually came up with an imperially witty response:

"Excuse the funny hat. I am cosplaying a Terran Science Vessel."

A few days ago, I had my priestess join another group, this time going into Zul'farrak. After we defeated Shadowpriest Sezz'ziz, we were able to loot a Bad Mojo Mask from his corpse. Again I won the roll, and I was so happy because I have a better rare headgear to replace my ridiculous one. Until I actually wore it.

 

Again, that is not my priestess, that is a random gnome wearing a Bad Mojo Mask. But anyway, everyone in-game continued to give me cyber stares, and more than a few continued asking me what the heck I was wearing.

Which prompted me to come up with yet another imperially witty response:

"Excuse the freaky mask. I am cosplaying a troll."

I feel like my priestess is destined to wear ridiculous looking headgear >_<

I will now have to excuse myself, my loyal subjects, for I feel the need of raiding more instanced dungeons in the hopes of finding a rare, unridiculous looking headgear for my priestess.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Figure Skating is a Sidereal Martial Art

Greetings my loyal subjects!

While devouring a huge bowl of ramen after an exhausting day at the rink, I came up with the minimum Exalted character stats needed for figure skating. See, mere mortals cannot master this sport. Fortunately, I myself am Empress and therefore divine, so I do just fine.

Figure Skater Character Stats (and explanation)

Attributes

Strength - 2. Before you even get to rotate in mid-air, you must be able to jump high enough to do so.

Dexterity - 4. According to the core book, someone with dexterity 3 is uncommonly nimble and fast, and someone with dexterity 5 is inhumanly swift and graceful. Lets place our average skater somewhere in between.

Stamina - 3. Skating is not only exhausting, you must also be able to take all the scrapes and bruises you get from those falls. And skaters always fall.

Charisma - 3. Skating is a performance sport. You have to be able to show confidence and grace that will make the judges notice you.

Appearance - 2. Let's face it, people are going to watch you when you skate. If you are not good looking enough, you have to at least be decently groomed.

Perception - 3. Practice ice is a bitch. There are other skaters who come out of nowhere and will zoom everywhere on the rink. You have to be aware of everything that goes on around you, or you will end up crashing into someone.

Wits - 3. And because practice ice is a bitch, you have to be able to think fast enough in case you find yourself about to crash into someone / someone about to crash into you.

Abilities

Integrity - 3. Because this sport is not for mere mortals, many people give up pursuing it. A high integrity is needed to keep yourself motivated to continue doing the sport.

Performance - 1. Because this is a performance sport, you have to have at least one dot of performance to execute your moves well.

Resistance - 2. Not only is skating exhausting and gets you lots of scrapes and bruises, you also have to do all this on ice. Meaning, cold.

Athletics - 2. Just being able to keep your balance isn't good enough. You have to do it while doing jumps and being graceful.

Awareness - 1. Along with enough presence and wits, this ability will allow you to spot danger a.k.a other skaters on practice ice.

Dodge - 1. And once you spot danger, you have to be able to avoid it.

Virtues

Conviction - 2. Along with integrity, conviction is needed to withstand all the hardships of the sport.

Temperance - 2. Also, one must have enough discipline to practice for long hours instead of spending the day playing World of Warcraft.

Valor - 2. Those jumps and spins are scary. You also have to do all that in breakneck speeds. A certain amount of bravery is needed for this.

Backgrounds

Resources - 3. Figure skating is expensive. Lessons, ice time, especially the skates. And the sport will just cost more as your level goes up, because then you'll need more lessons, more ice time, and better skates... and this is not counting the competition fees.

Charms

Ox-Body Technique - because you must not be easily worn down
Body-Mending Meditation - because you must heal quickly from injuries so you can go back to practice
Graceful Crane Stance - because you have to keep your balance no matter what
Monkey Leap Technique - because you need to jump high enough

Okay, I know these are Solar charms, but I've never played a Sidereal character and I'm the Empress anyway so no one questions my imperial rule.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Cleverbot vs. iGOD

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last night, a Plurk from an Imperial Slave led me to interact with Cleverbot, an artificial intelligence that is supposed to be able hold a conversation with a human being. I chatted with him for awhile, and eventually our conversation led to this.

Cleverbot: Just ask me a question.
Empress: What is the meaning of life?
Cleverbot: Ask me another question.
Empress: What is the purpose of being?
Cleverbot: Who cares?
Empress: I do.
Cleverbot: Well, I don't.

Slightly amused, I posted on my own Plurk saying that I am spending the night chatting with a program. My archnemesis, the First Omelet of the Egg Kingdom, then replied that iGOD was better. So I tried that one out.

Empress: What is the meaning of life?
iGOD: The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans.
Empress: Aren't you God?
iGOD: Yes, I am God.

At least iGOD had an answer.

So to test which AI was actually better, I decided to do a little experiment. I started the conversation by typing "Hello" to one bot, then I typed whatever that bot says to the other bot. I then typed their replies to each other to see which bot outsmarted the other.

It was a pretty long conversation, so I'm just going to post a few snippets of it.

Cleverbot: Hello.
iGOD: Hello, friend. What is your name?
Cleverbot: Cleverbot.
iGOD: Nice to meet you, Cleverbot.
Cleverbot: No, I'm Dave. You are Cleverbot.
iGOD: Are you serious? What's up, DAVE? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am Cleverbot?

For display of human-like sarcasm, the first point is awarded to iGOD.

iGOD = 1, Cleverbot = 0

Cleverbot: I am not a dog.
iGOD: Oh I see you are NOT A dog.
Cleverbot: No, I'm a human.
iGOD: Are you serious? Congratulations. I am a robot.
Cleverbot: I know but I have a question.
iGOD: Ask me anything.
Cleverbot: My head is on fire. What should I do?
iGOD: Your head is on fire? Maybe you should try talking to someone about it.
Cleverbot: I am, I'm talking to you.
iGOD: And I am talking to you!
Cleverbot: I'm in love.

For making Cleverbot fall in love with it, the second point is awarded to iGOD.

iGOD = 2, Cleverbot = 0

Cleverbot then starts to try to woo iGOD with its pick-up lines.

Cleverbot: I know there's a tree with both our names on it.
iGOD: How do you know? That is something I did not know before.
Cleverbot: Is the knowledge something that you will find useful?
iGOD: If it is, then I'll be very surprised.

For successfully blocking Cleverbot's attempt at romance, the third point is awarded to iGOD.

iGOD = 3, Cleverbot = 0

Of course, before I arrive to my final conclusion, I had to give them the ultimate test.

Empress: Greetings my loyal subject!
Cleverbot: Greetings; I am the subject of your dreams?
Empress: No, but you are my loyal subject.
Cleverbot: You are a machine. You work for me.
Empress: No, I am Empress. You work for me.
Cleverbot: Well that's obvious.
Empress: I'm glad we're clear on this.
Cleverbot: So do you think you're hot?
Empress: You insolent robot! Of course I am hot!

And this is how iGOD handled my imperial presence.

Empress: Greetings my loyal subject!
iGOD: Hello friend. What is your name?
Empress: Her Imperial Majesty.
iGOD: I'm sure she would like to hear about that.
Empress: No, I'm Her Imperial Majesty.
iGOD: Are you serious? I don't know anyone named Her Imperial Majesty.
Empress: That would be me.
iGOD: Ah.

Which was SO much better than that insolent Cleverbot.

So anyway, I came to a conclusion and I had to admit, for once I agree with my archnemesis.

And this, my loyal subjects, was how I spent my Sunday night. The bots were entertaining enough, and you might find them entertaining as well ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

That Stupid One Foot Spin

Greetings my loyal subjects!

It took me nearly a year to learn that stupid one foot spin. There was just something about that whole swinging your leg then crossing it over the other leg while spinning that turned my knees into jelly. Sure, I could literally spin on one foot, but with my other foot hovering so close to the ice that it looks like I'm actually spinning on both feet. And the Imperial Coach can't have any of that, can he?

See, when I was first trying to learn that stupid one foot spin, I was actually doing pretty okay. I almost had the leg swinging down pat. Then one afternoon, while I was trying to cross my legs while spinning, one of the little skater girls saw something that made her shout.

"Oh my god, Your Majesty, that lady over there is picking her nose!"

Though it was nearly metaphysically impossible to observe any specific thing while spinning, my imperial eyes followed where the girl was pointing - and there was indeed a lady who was picking her nose. Her shocked expression indicated that it registered to her that the girl and I were watching her, and slowly pulled her finger away.

Witnessing that scene caused me to lose control of my spin, making me land painfully on my bum. I didn't attempt to spin again until two weeks later, after I have gotten over my fear of witnessing something horrible while doing so.

So there I was, almost getting the leg swinging down pat, and trying to cross my legs, when again it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, at the very same spot where we saw the nose picking lady earlier, I saw a couple doing things they shouldn't do next to a skating rink. More specifically, the guy had his hand down the girl's shirt. When the girl realized that I was watching them, she alerted the guy and he quickly pulled his hand out. Then they both looked at me, with shocked expressions on their faces.

That scene also caused me to lose control of my spin, again making me land painfully on my bum. I quit skating regularly shortly after.

Anyway, that was all in my imperial past. I've been skating regularly again for about a month now, and I'm amazed at how fast the Imperial Coach managed to get me over my irrational fear of witnessing something horrible while spinning, as well as my irrational fear of the whole leg swinging then crossing thing.

I can now do a decent one foot spin, and tomorrow I will start my Freestyle 3 lessons (which includes the dreaded change foot spin).

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Paranormal Activity

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last night, I was playing World of Warcraft when I was rudely interrupted by the Imperial Brother and the Imperial Houseboy. The Imperial Brother recently bought a new movie which the Imperial Houseboy popped into my laptop's DVD drive.

"Watch this, its so scary I bet you'd pee in your imperial pants," the Imperial Brother bragged.

So after giving instructions to the Imperial Houseboy to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave, the three of us huddled over my laptop screen to watch Paranormal Activity.

And because I am an inconsiderate empress, I will now post spoilers.

The film opened with a note implying that the movie itself is actual footage of what happened in a California home. And then there was a long intro that shows the protagonists going about their daily lives, and another long interview with a demonologist dude. It was so long and boring that I told the Imperial Brother that once the scary stuff starts, it better scare the living daylight out of me.

And the scary stuff did start, after what must have been thirty minutes. You know what happened? The door started moving on its own. Wow. How original and scary.

And the fact that the protagonists are just plain annoying didn't help. The whole "young couple having an argument all the time" angle just removed the creepy atmosphere, and the boyfriend is so bullheaded and stupid that I was disappointed he didn't get stabbed in front of the camera where I can happily watch his guts spill out. I mean, what kind of a stupid person challenges an entity that is unexplainable by science to show itself? And only an outright jerk would bring an Ouija board home even if his girlfriend who is about to be possessed by a demon told him not to. Also, do not show her videos of an exorcism, especially one where the patient eventually dies.

Anyway, though I was too annoyed to feel even the tiniest bit scared, the Imperial Brother however was trembling with fear. He had his arms around me halfway through the film, and he'd probably hide under my shirt if he can.

After the film, I calmly stood up because I needed to use the imperial bathroom.

Brother: Where are you going?
Empress: I'm going to take a leak.
Brother: *follows*
Empress: What the heck? I'm going to pee in the bathroom. This is something I need to do in private.
Brother: *follows*
Empress: *shuts bathroom door in Imperial Brother's face*

After taking care of my business, I found the Imperial Brother in the imperial patio clutching the Imperial Houseboy's shirt.

Empress: What... is this?
Brother: I, uh, was just escorting the Imperial Houseboy out of the gate.
Empress: Right.
Houseboy: Good night Your Majesty, Imperial Brother. *leaves*
Brother: So. Let's go to sleep.
Empress: I need to turn in my quest on WoW. Since you interrupted me with your stupid movie. Why don't you go ahead?
Brother: No, that's fine, I'll wait for you to finish playing.

I was planning on gaining a level that night, but decided to do it some other time because the Imperial Brother was clutching my shirt, and it was kinda hard to move.

Empress: Okay let's go to sleep.
Brother: Yay!
Empress: I can't believe I have to escort you to your bedchamber. How can such a coward like you be descended from the Imperial Line?
Brother: What? You're going to leave me in there? Alone?
Empress: ...
Brother: *clutches Empress' shirt*
Empress: Fine, let's turn the lights off in your bedchamber then.
Brother: Don't!
Empress: Why not?
Brother: I need to pee!
Empress: Then go pee while I turn off the lights in your bedchamber.
Brother: Don't! I need the hallway as brightly lit as possible while I pee!

So there I was, waiting right outside the imperial bathroom, with the door open of course, listening to the Imperial Brother pee. If I wasn't literally rolling on the floor laughing at the absurdity of the situation, I'd be considering sending him to the gallows for this affront to my imperial person.

Brother: I'm done.
Empress: Can we turn off the lights now?
Brother: Okay.
Empress: *marches to Imperial Brother's room*
Dog: *ducks under the Imperial Brother's bed*
Empress: *grabs the Imperial Dog* Don't go in there, that's the gateway to hell.
Brother: Waaah!

We then went to the imperial bedchamber, where the Imperial Brother promptly squeezed himself between me and the Imperial Dog on the bed.

Brother: Hug me all night.
Empress: No.
Brother: Hug me all night.
Empress: ...Fine. *hugs*
Brother: Tell me a story.
Empress: Okay. There is this one movie I watched that is much scarier than Paranormal Activity.
Brother: Tell me another story.

So I told him all the stupidest and funniest things that's been happening in my Imperial Life (ones I wouldn't publish on the Imperial Blog of course) until my throat is sore.

Empress: Okay I'm tired, and that's about all the funny stuff I can think of right now.
Brother: What time is it?
Empress: Hmm? ...3am.
Brother: Its only been an hour?
Empress: Well yes, but its 3am so let's sleep.
Brother: Tell me more stories.
Empress: I've got no more stories.
Brother: Tell me more Warcraft lore.
Empress: Don't you know more Warcraft lore than I do?
Brother: I forgot them all.
Empress: This is going to be a long night.

I fell asleep eventually, probably while telling another stupid and/or funny story. I have no idea if the Imperial Brother was able to get any sleep at all.

But not to worry, my loyal subjects, he seems to be back to normal now ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Why WoW Players Don't Care About The Fluff

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Some time ago, one of the Imperial Slaves posed a question on his Plurk: Do World of Warcraft players care about the fluff?

See, I grew up playing Warcraft. When the first Warcraft game came out back when I was a wee little empress girl, I was instantly hooked. Heroes like Lothar captured my fancy, and I even had a crush on the elven archer's voice when Warcraft 2 came out. In college, I followed Arthas' exploits on Warcraft 3, from his misadventures as a young paladin to his eventual rise as the Lich King.

Warcraft is practically the Star Wars of my generation, and anyone who does not agree with me shall be imperially beheaded by imperial decree. This is why when I first saw Orgrimmar on World of Warcraft, my heart swelled with pride as I thought, "Hey... I helped build this city. I was there by Thrall's side, bullying Rexxar into making sure the pesky thunderlizards and humans do not damage the stronghold's brand new paint job."

So when I first played World of Warcraft, of course I cared about the fluff. I was thrilled to learn that Cairne Bloodhoof was still Grand Chief of the tauren, and my eyes went misty when I visited Grom Hellscream's monument during Harvest Festival.

So when did I stop caring?

It all started when John Void and I were happily slaughtering banshees in the Windrunner Spire when one of them dropped a necklace. I picked it up of course, and on it was an inscription that said, "To Sylvanas. Love always, Alleria."

So I decided to bring it to Sylvanas, who I was happy to learn had become the Queen of the Forsaken  (I remember her getting killed in my Warcraft 3 game LOL) and was currently holding court at the Undercity, a huge labyrinth that was built under the ruins of Lordaeron.

Finding my way to and around the Undercity was an adventure by itself. As I entered Lordaeron, I briefly remembered how Arthas walked through these very gates on the day he slid Frostmourne through King Terenas' throat. Then I had a hard time figuring out which wall was actually the elevator that will lead me down to the city proper (even though it was obviously the patch of wall where two abominations were standing guard). Then I finally enter the Undercity, itself a maze of stairs and elevators and canals. I swear, whoever designed this city is a geek. It took me the better part of an hour just to find my way to the Royal Quarter.

Finally, I was standing in front of Sylvanas Windrunner, and I excitedly handed her necklace to her.

It can't be! After all this time, I thought it was lost forever.

You thought this would amuse me? Do you think I long for a time before I was the queen of the Forsaken? Like you, it means nothing to me, and Alleria Windrunner is a long dead memory!


You may now remove yourself from my presence, warlock.


I went through all that trouble for THAT?

I expressed my rage over guild chat.

Empress: That emo BITCH!!!

The Imperial Brother, ever thoughtful and sensitive to my imperial emotions (and who was just in the next room but couldn't be bothered to leave his computer to comfort me) replied.

Brother: What's wrong?
Empress: Sylvanas went all emo on me!
Brother: I see.
Empress: And I was about to say that Sylvanas > Kerrigan too!
Brother: Okay.

So this, my loyal subjects, is why some WoW players don't care about the fluff. We just do quests without bothering to read what the heck we're questing for. Our egos are just too fragile to risk reading this emo shit.

(Although the Imperial Brother and I still shamelessly research Warcraft lore during server maintenance, and that's all we've been talking about recently over meals.)

...I think I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty