Dinner With the Holy Orifice

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Today I had dinner with the Head Minister of the Order of Rituals, Faith, Integrity, and Ceremonies (ORiFICe), formerly known as the Head Imperial Priestess. I like to call him the Holy Orifice. This is the conversation that took place during the meal:

Holy Orifice: I wonder if I should drop you off at your palace or not~
Empress: You can drop me off wherever you like, Orifice. I'll just walk home the rest of the way.
Holy Orifice: ...What!?
Empress: Of course, if something happens to me, you shall be held accountable.
Holy Orifice: ...Fine. I'll drop you off at your palace.
Empress: ^_^
Holy Orifice: ...Troll attempt failed >.<
Empress: Oh, THAT was a troll attempt?
Holy Orifice: I wanted to see if you'll bargain with me to bring you home safely >.<
Empress: The Empress does not bargain with mere mortals.
Holy Orifice: >.<
Empress: I am so going to blog this ^_^
Holy Orifice: When?
Empress: Tonight, while the memory is still fresh.
Holy Orifice: You won't remember the details~
Empress: That's fine. If I don't, I'll just make them up.
Holy Orifice: ARGH!
Empress: Oh, was THAT another troll attempt?
Holy Orifice: The Empress is too witty >.<
Empress: I wasn't even trying ^_^
Holy Orifice: Finish your stupid waffles >.>

The Empress eats waffles for dinner ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Court Role Play Update

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Today, the Head Imperial Chambermaid informed me that the Imperial Adviser for Public Relations did indeed find the artifacts he had claimed he did not. And, he tried to sell these to her!

Needless to say, the Head Imperial Warlock will have a new patient soon.

For the meantime,

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Court Reorganization and Role Play

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

You will be pleased to know that the Imperial Court have rejoiced upon my return, and are rallying under my glorious Imperial Banner once more \o/ Many have forgotten their old titles, and have come forward to be enlisted anew. That is, I am keeping an actual list this time around, and hopefully I don't lose it despite my busy and demanding schedule ^_^

Needless to say, my return had reignited the Imperial Court's passion for role play, and the Imperial Adviser for Public Relations in particular engaged me with a few lines. It was a welcome diversion and kept my spirits up as I go through yet another stressful day \o/

Here are some snippets of our conversation for your entertainment pleasure:

PR Adviser: O benevolent one, I wish to embark upon a quest to obtain a rare and magical item.
PR Adviser: It is rumored that deep within the Mountains of Tralala lives a troll who wears the Serpent Belt of Plentiful Wifi.

Empress: Am I associated with this troll?

PR Adviser: No, for it is ugly and smells bad.

Empress: I see.

PR Adviser: Apparently the troll had also stolen the Obsidian Necklace of Silent Neighbors.

Empress: How may I offer you assistance?

PR Adviser: Thy blessing is all I need, o benevolent one.

Empress: Then go! Smite this ugly and smelly troll, and obtain the Serpent Belt of Plentiful Wifi and Obsidian Necklace of Silent Neighbors for my honor and glory!

PR Adviser: It shall be done gracefully in your name!

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PR Adviser: Alas, my lady.
PR Adviser: I have failed!
PR Adviser: The Serpent Belt of Infinite Wifi was not in the mountains as rumored.
PR Adviser: All I got was the Lion's Girdle of Silent Farting.

Empress: You are a disgrace to the Empire!

PR Adviser: T_T

Empress: As a member of the Imperial Court, I expect you to perform self-imposed penance, lest I throw you to the Head Imperial Warlock's laboratories!

PR Adviser: I shall wear the Shackles of Slow Elevators for a week as penance!

Empress: Excellent. Your suffering pleases me.

PR Adviser: In your naaaaaaame!

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I hope this exchange amused you as much as it amused me ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Ever Expanding Imperial Court

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

A couple of weeks ago, the Head Imperial Warlock held a feast in my honor, as well as to celebrate the day of his birth. During the banquet, he informed me that he had been re-reading some of the entries of my Imperial Blog, and that he still found them "amusing". I entertained the thought of once again granting my loyal subjects the privilege of having glimpses of my Imperial Life, however I could not find the motivation to take up the Imperial Pen once more.

About a week later, the Head Imperial Chambermaid and I were looking down from the highest tower of the Imperial Palace. We were discussing my duties as a video game designer, which I graciously took on some year and a half ago despite my already demanding responsibilities as your benevolent Empress. I was concerned that my performance as a video game designer falls short of what is deemed worthy of my noble station.

The Head Imperial Chambermaid suggested that maybe I just need a different creative outlet, as focusing on the video game I am working on may be causing me to stagnate. I have been working on a few other creative projects, none of them having much progress, so I thought maybe doing something fun and light-hearted might inspire me.

And so, here I am \o/

But undertaking this endeavor is not without problems. As my loyal subjects know, every member of the Imperial Court has been assigned a title to designate their role in my ever glorious Empire. However, I have been remiss in involving myself in the affairs of the Imperial Court for so long, I forgot which Courtier has been assigned which title! What's more, the Imperial Court had expanded to accommodate even more of my adoring loyal subjects, whose titles I have yet to assign.

I will also be re-assigning some of the titles to certain Courtiers to fit their current circumstances.

So I have now officially shared yet another page of My Imperial Life to my loyal subjects. Will this open up another chapter of My Imperial Life for public view? I am not omniscient, so I do not know.

But we shall see ^_^

For now,

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Eyelash Procedure

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

A week ago, a lady who owns a salon asked if she can use me as a model for her new eyelash extensions service. This means she will give me a free eyelash extension in exchange for letting her take before and after pictures of my eyes. Because I am Empress, I agreed.

So yesterday I walked into the salon where attendants promptly took pictures of my "before" eyes. Of course, they forgot to remove the camera's flash >.> Afterwards, I endured two grueling hours wherein they laboriously glued each fake eyelash under my real ones. Finally, they took a picture of my "after" eyes.

I rather like how I look after the procedure. At first it was kinda weird that my new lashes reach all the way up to my brows, but the length really emphasized my already pretty eyes. And the Imperial Consort thought that the lashes don't look fake at all.

The catch: the lashes certainly feel fake. My real lashes, though tiny, are as soft as feathers. These fake ones are as hard as toothbrush bristles. Its like wearing falsies except you can't take them off.

These particular extensions I have can last between three weeks to two months depending on how well I take care of them. This means I should not allow soap to touch them when I'm washing my face or showering. This also means I should wear goggles if I want to go swimming or soak in the jacuzzi, which I plan to do with my Imperial Nanny sometime this week. Sans the goggles. I do not intend to keep the lashes longer than three weeks ;)

Next time, if I want pretty eyelashes, I'll stick to falsies \o/

In the meantime, this is what I'm planning to do until the lashes fall off:

1) Lie face down on a dirty patch of floor.
2) Close my eyes.
3) Open my eyes.
4) Repeat 2 and 3 until patch of floor is clean.
5) Move to another dirty patch of floor.

(I wish I had a Roomba for the Imperial Palace >.<)

Keep calm and praise me \o/

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty  
 

Keep Calm

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Do not panic for I hath returned!

 

Stay tuned for new updates!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Send-off Party

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I summoned the Imperial Court to the Imperial Consort's palace for a final game day before he gets exiled. The court arrived bearing offerings of food, and we feasted while amusing ourselves with board games and card games.

Half of the court played Civilization: The Board Game with the Imperial Consort. I have never actually played this game myself. I'm too in love with Civilization 5 right now that the thought of playing another Civilization game depresses me.

The other half played Bang! and Exalted: War for the Throne Pro League with me. We call it "Pro League" because every player is required to be a cut-throat, cold-hearted veteran, making the game much more fun. Newbies will be mercilessly eaten alive with no chance of survival (hence, no fun).

Because some members of the Imperial Court dared defy me by arriving late, we didn't have enough veteran players at the start. And I refused to call War for the Throne with less than the maximum number of players "Pro League". So to pass the time while waiting, the Head Imperial Hacker brought out his Bang! card game.

Bang! is a wild west themed card game where inebriated sheriffs and outlaws shoot each other while dodging Indians. The goal of the game depends on the player's role, as I found out after the Head Imperial Warlock suggested that I should be the sheriff. It turned out that the goal for almost everyone else is to shoot the sheriff dead.

We proceeded with the game, with the Head Imperial Chauffeur as the sheriff. Everybody was shooting him, except for two people: me, and the Head Imperial Engineer. See, there are two people in the game whose goal isn't the same as the outlaws'. The deputy is supposed to help the sheriff stay alive. And the renegade is supposed to kill the sheriff - after he has killed everyone else.

So the game went on with the Chauffeur holding on to dear life while me and the Engineer were engaged in a one-on-one battle. (At this point, you can hear the outlaws singing "I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy!")

Of course, amidst gunshots and the buzz of alcohol, the Engineer and I were both trying to convince the Chauffeur that the other one is the bad guy.

Engineer: I'm the deputy!
Empress: No, I'm the deputy!
Engineer: You're a Cylon!
Empress: I am not a frakking Cylon!

Finally, the Chauffeur decided that I was the renegade (why am I not surprised), and threw me in jail.

Because I am Empress, I was able to keep the Chauffeur alive anyway, and when the game was done and all was revealed, the Chauffeur said,

"You felt safe in the jail... right?"

No, Chauffeur. No.

Then it was time to play War for the Throne Pro League. It was a bloody battle as usual since everyone wanted the throne for themselves. It was also rife with politics and backstabbing, something that the Imperial Court is versed with doing to each other anyway. Like when the Engineer and I were deciding to launch an attack to either the Chauffeur or the Head Imperial Librarian, and when my troops were ready to strike the Engineer suddenly backs out to focus on building a war manse instead.

I particularly liked how the Chauffeur and the Librarian cooperated to keep me from winning.

Chauffeur: I sabotaged Her Majesty's legions near the shore so they're easy pickings for your ships.
Librarian: Why didn't you sabotage her ships instead?
Chauffeur: Because if you sink all her ships, then your ships will be able to secure you a victory via blockade.

Ah, the Imperial Court. Always scheming to overthrow me, and always scheming to overthrow each other.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Sims 3

Greetings my loyal subjects!

So last night I completely forgot to post on the blog because I was too busy playing The Sims 3. The Imperial Consort got me a copy for Christmas but I've barely been able to play with this life simulation game due to real life issues. But while I'm on break from real life, I get to enjoy pretend life. ^_^

I don't know if I've mentioned it often enough, but Exalted is my favorite role playing game. And in the world of Exalted, there are beings borne of mortals and ghosts called the ghostblooded. So when I heard that sims can mate with ghosts and have little ghost babies, I didn't want to pass the chance!

To save my dwindling supply of creative brain cells, I spared myself the trouble of creating my own sims and decided to take over Agnes Crumplebottom's life. Living all by herself in a house haunted by her late husband, she was perfect! And thus her existence became but a plaything to my divine will.

I am not an overmind without a conscience, however. Agnes dreams of becoming a best-selling author and famous artist. So when I'm not forcing her to seduce her husband's ghost at night, we spend the rest of the time either writing or painting.

So did I get my ghost baby? No. After helping her make her dreams come true, Agnes refused to submit herself to my will anymore. All she wanted to do was play computer games all day. Her favorite game is that one where she gets to control the life of a disgruntled software developer. I think she enjoys the challenge. ~_~

Oh well. Seducing a ghost that only comes out after midnight takes too much time. And I find myself having a decreasingly low tolerance for things that are supposed to be fun but take too much time. And this, my loyal subjects, is proof that I am getting old.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Updates!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

For now, I have the time to make regular posts on my imperial blog again. I have recently quit my job as a software developer and will be assuming the role of Empress once more. The Imperial Dog has been sitting on my throne while I was gone, and unfortunately, she wasn't doing a very good job.

And now, for some of what's been happening in my imperial life lately. I quit my job because I felt like I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. No, having an excuse to wear my imperial outfits outside the Imperial Palace isn't considered a "right reason". The whole experience wasn't a waste of time, however. I made some wonderful memories, gained new friends, and got introduced to the wonderful substance called "alcohol".

No regrets there! ^_^

In other news, the Imperial Mother has recently arrived in the motherland to make my imperial life slightly miserable. Specifically, she has commandeered my imperial bedchamber and condemned the Imperial Dog to a dog bed for the duration of her stay. Nevertheless, she has been busy making the Imperial Palace even more imperial than it already is. This includes replacing the placemats I burned last year.

I still play video games, though the job kept me from wanting to face another computer screen after working hard all day. I rarely play board games and roleplaying games because all I want to do during weekends is to sleep, even if the painful changes that took place in the Imperial Court never happened. And of course, now that I'm at a skill level where I need at least two practice sessions every week, something I can't really afford for now, figure skating is out of the question. = (

These are some of the things that I will try to do more often again soon. ^_^

And now, for a bit of sad news. Five weeks from now, I will once again be exiled for a few months. This is going to be a start (a continuation, actually) of a series of exiles that will eventually lead to a permanent one, an inevitability that I've been trying to delay for the past three years. I was having too much fun with the Imperial Court that I didn't like having to leave. But now I have realized that the Imperial Court that I knew and loved will never stay constant. Still, whatever the Imperial Court becomes in the future, I know that they will always be there for me wherever I go. ^_^

Like I always say, my imperial life shall go on, and there will always be stories to tell in the future.

For the future!

The Return of the Scarlet Empress

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Receiving audiences again, soon!

Change

Greetings my loyal subjects!

There are changes that have happened in my imperial life, and sometimes these changes happen so fast. Some things have ended, but lots of things have also begun.  I have been hurt, but my future looks brighter than it had ever been before.

Because of these changes, there are things I have learned that I will share with you now.

That one shouldn't converse with someone whose eyes they never see or whose voice they never hear, lest the words be misinterpreted;

That just because the message was not heard, doesn't mean the recipient refused to listen; it could be that the message was too ambiguous to understand in the first place;

That in order to end the cycle of pain, one must be prepared to stay their hand and turn around, instead of striking back; and to be prepared to be labeled a coward for it;

That people who hurt others are in terrible pain themselves;

That there are people who derive happiness from other people's misery, but that is not true happiness;

That there are people who derive power from other people's weakness, but that is not true power;

That it is so easy to go along with other people's opinions, and so hard to find out the truth for yourself;

That it is perfectly fine to hate someone, but it takes a certain finesse to treat them with respect;

That no sentient being, no matter how evil, deserves to be treated dishonorably;

That different people have different opinions on what "right" is, but "right" is always hard to do regardless;

And that the truest friends come to you during the saddest point of your life, unbidden, and from the most unexpected places, not to help you fight, but to help you heal.

Meanwhile, my imperial life goes on, and there will be more stories to tell. I hope to continue making you laugh, sometimes at others, but mostly at me and my amusing misadventures ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Java Forever

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Obviously, work has eaten me alive, so I am now sneaking a blog update before I return to my daily eight-hour worship of Java ^_^

In the meantime, I shall leave you with a video that my officemates used to indoctrinate me into the cult of Java ^_^

(Warning: Requires programming knowledge to appreciate)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9JIiCkDyMQ

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

P.S. My officemates are NOT geeks >< (or so they say)

The Geek Trap

Greetings my loyal subjects!

So after weeks of enduring bullying from my so-called non-geeky officemates, I have decided to honor my Imperial legacy and rise against this injustice! Therefore, as my revenge, I have created The Geek Trap!

How To Make A Geeky Officemate Trap, Imperial Style

1)  Grab a copy of a video game magazine from the Imperial Consort's office.
2a) Sit next to the target and slowly rifle through the pages.
2b) Dangle the magazine in front of the target's computer monitor.
3) Paste a smug look on your face as target grabs for the magazine.
4) Enjoy the target's confession of geekiness.

Tip: Leave the magazine on your desk. More geeks will reveal themselves once they pick it up ;)

Moral of the story: Geeks are everywhere, you just have to know how to find them (or coax them out of their closets).

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Work Perks

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Let me tell you some facts about my new work place.

1) It is within walking distance of all the best eating places in this part of the motherland.
2) It is located on the ground floor. Because I am afraid of heights, this is a VERY GOOD thing.
3) FREE MILO. (I know at least one of my readers will be insanely jealous.)
4) There is no dress code, so I can wear whatever the hell I want.
5) Flexi-time, so I can raid in the morning!
6) They have a Wii!

So after exchanging pleasantries with my new officemates on my first day of work, I dropped the big question.

Empress: So, when are the DotA tournaments?
Officemate: Uh, we don't really play DotA here.
Empress: *gasp* What do you do after work!?!?!
Officemate: We go jogging ^_^
Empress: ~_~ Are you sure this is a software development company?

So yeah. These people are JOCKS. ~_~ The only games they have on their Wii are either Wii Sports or some variant of it. Haven't they heard of Guitar Hero or Rock Band?

Sheesh.


Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Update

Greetings my loyal subjects!

As you may have noticed, I have been very lapse with updating the Imperial Blog. This is due to some changes that has happened with my Imperial Life. Mainly, I have once again succumbed to the temptation of selling my soul to the corporate devil and now spend eight hours of my life every work day chained to a desk.

Once I have worked out the kinks in my new daily schedule (fitting in raids and skating practice, of course), I will probably be able to regale you with my inane stories more frequently.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

No Habla Ingles

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I HAVE NOT DIED!!!

Anyway, some weeks ago I was invited to join a guild. Since it was going to take a while for the Imperial Court to level and gear their toons up enough for raiding, I decided to take the invitation.

After I took the invite, I watched from my super secret hiding place (the top of the tower next to the Silver Enclave) as the officers ran around Dalaran looking for me. It was amusing and scary at the same time because they looked like they were hunting me or something >_<

When they found me, I felt like a bug under a microscope as they inspected my gear and talent build >_< They, of course, wanted a few things changed. And I thought this was supposed to be a laid back guild >_<

They then asked me to jump into Vent so they can talk to me. I'm like, what? No habla Ingles! (No habla Espanol either, but that's not the point.)

So anyway, after gemming and enchanting my ass to make me raid-worthy enough, they gave me a lecture about the guild's rules and expectations. The last sentence was particularly intimidating: "If you leave the guild, we will kill you."

I'm sure the Imperial Court would understand ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

No Habla Espanol

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died.

(The following post may require familiarity with Exalted to appreciate.)

Last week, the Imperial Court and I gathered at the Imperial Consort's palace for our Exalted gaming fix. For this session, my Zenith, Raya, and her buddies were sent on a mission into Malfeas to sabotage an impending demonic invasion among other things.

Consort: *draws a map*

Consort: Because you cannot be teleported directly into the Green Sun Empire (otherwise you won't have to play this cool adventure I made for you), you will have to be teleported to Oramus, the Dragon Beyond the World. Near the portal would be an umuhan, a demon the will swallow you and shit you out straight into the Forest of Hrost Vita.

Empress: Ugh.

Consort: At the edge of the forest is a logging camp slash docks where a sandship awaits to take you across Cycelene, the Endless Desert. After you cross the desert, you will see Envela, the Behemoth in Submission. Envela is actually this huge ass centipede that serves as a road...

Empress: Consort, why does your centipede look like a big floppy di--

Consort: Moving on. Eventually you will reach Ipythima, which is like Malfeas' hottest red light district. On Ipythima you will find the Black Lotus Pavillion, which is the biggest building in the district. It's hard to miss.

Empress: *snores*

Consort: Thing is, the master chef in the Conventicle Malfeasent is such a regular customer of the Black Lotus, he had a portal made in the pavillion that leads into the Conventicle kitchens. That's how you will get into the Green Sun Empire.

Empress: Oh how convenient.

Consort: So can you remember how you're supposed to get into the Green Sun Empire?

Empress: First we go through the forest, across the desert, then on to the Green Sun Empire! Forest, desert, Green Sun Empire! Forest, desert, Green Sun Empire!

And this is how this session become the first ever episode of Raya the Explorer!

Raya Raya Raya the Explorer~

Cast of Characters:
Raya, Zenith caste Solar as Dora (Her Imperial Majesty's character)
Knife of the Ocean, Night caste Solar as Boots (the Head Imperial Bodyguard' character)
Benjaho, yeddim form Full Moon caste Lunar as Benny the Bull (NPC, the Imperial Consort's character)
Drifter Against the Vast Eternity, Twilight caste Solar as Tico the Squirrel (the Imperial Ambassador's character)
Hanya, Sidereal Chosen of Endings as Isa the Iguana (an Imperial Subject's character)
Storyteller - the Imperial Consort

Raya: Hola Senor Umuhan!
Knife: We need to get the umuhan to open his mouth, so he can shit us out into the Forest of Hrost Vita!
Raya: But Senor Umuhan only speaks Malfean! To get him to open his mouth, we have to say abre! Can you say abre?
Knife: Say abre! Say abre!
Umuhan: *opens mouth*
Knife: We did it, Raya! Now we just have to sit in his mouth and wait for him to swallow us, so he can shit us out!
Knife: *tosses Hanya into the umuhan's mouth*
Knife: Ladies first!
Storyteller: Okay, so the umuhan takes ten motes of essence from each of you...
Knife: Did you hear something, Raya?
Raya: I think it's the umuhan! Did you say something, Senor Umuhan?
Umuhan: Diez esencia.
Raya: Right. We have to pay him ten motes of essence! Here you go, Senor Umuhan!
Umuhan: *swallows the party*
Knife: Wow! Our first taste of hell, and that was one hell of a ride!
Raya: Thanks, Senor Umuhan! Gracias!

Knife: Where are we, Raya?
Raya: We are in the Forest of Hrost Vita! See that giant over there, that's actually Hrost Vita!
Storyteller: Okay, Hrost Vita is the Forest of Lust and Violence. Everyone please roll a temperance check.
Hanya: *fails the temperance roll*
Benjaho: *fails the temperance roll*
Knife: Oh no! What are Hanya and Benjaho doing?
Raya: We have to stop them, before the wake Hrost Vita up and chase us out of the forest!
Knife: Hanya stop humping! Benjaho stop slamming! Hanya stop humping! Benjaho stop slamming!
Frost Vita: ROAARR!
Knife: We're too late! RUN!

Knife: We made it, Raya! We made it through the forest!
Raya: We are now at the logging camp, and up ahead is the docks where we will catch a sandship to take us across the desert!
Knife: I'm hungry, Raya! Isn't there something to eat around here?
Raya: Don't just eat anything in Malfeas, Knife! We don't know what foods are safe or not! Don't worry, I brought my cache egg with me which is always packed with stuff!
Cache Egg: Cache egg cache egg~ Cache egg cache egg~ I'm the cache egg loaded up with things and knick knacks too~ Anything that you might need I have inside for you~
Raya: Here, Knife, have some good Creation food!
Knife: Yum yum yum yum yum! Delicioso!

Raya: Hola Senor Capitan!
Captain: Hola Raya!
Raya: We need to climb aboard your sandship, so we can cross the desert! Can we climb aboard your sandship, Senor Capitan?
Captain: Si!
Knife: Well that was easy.

Storyteller: On Envela, you hire a palanquin to take you to Ipythima. When you get there, Ipythima herself sees you and asks you to halt.
Ipythima: You, you, you, and you! Both of you five! Come down from that palanquin at once!
Raya: Look, Ipythima has four arms! Can you count her arms?
Knife: Then how is she pointing at all five of us at the same time?

Storyteller: You managed to convince Ipythima to allow you to use the Black Lotus portal to get into the Conventicle Malfeasent kitchens.
Knife: There are demons all over the place, Raya! I can sneak past them, Drifter can cast Flight of Separation, and Benjaho can shapeshift! How will you and Hanya get through?
Raya: I know! Maybe Hanya and I can wear disguises!
Knife: Great idea, Raya! Hanya could be a chef, and you could be a slave!
Raya: La kusinera, la muchacha! La kusinera, la muchacha!

Storyteller: So you finally reach the docks...
Knife: Oh no! Raya, there are three ships! Which one of them is the Creation breaking ship?
Raya: I bet it would be the biggest ship! Bikeno... bikeno... grande! It's that ship!
Hanya: *tosses soulbreaker orb unto the ship*
Raya: Okay let's get the hell out of here.

Knife: We did it, Raya! Even though Hanya destroyed the wrong ship, we were still able to destroy something! And I was able to rescue these stupid Exalts!
Raya: What was your favorite part, Knife?
Knife: My favorite part was sliding down the umuhan's guts and getting shat out into the forest!
Raya: My favorite part was pretending to be la muchacha and wearing a flimsy dress while Hanya pulls the chain around my neck!
Knife: Goodbye!
Raya: Adios!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Teeth

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Today, the Internet in the Imperial Palace died for a few hours. This left me and the Imperial Brother no choice but to, well, not do chores of course, but to grab the remote control and look for something to watch on TV.

So we ended up watching Teeth on Star Movies. We didn't get to watch it from the beginning, but we sort of got the gist of it. It's about this Christian girl who is obsessed with "purity", then finding out that she has this medical condition called vagina dentata. This means that her vagina has teeth. I actually looked this up and to my horror, I discovered that such myths actually exist. (According to Wikipedia anyway... not that Wikipedia is a reliable source...)

Anyway, those teeth must have rivaled any piranha's because they manage to cut the penises of anyone who tries to have sex with her (or the fingers of anyone who tries to finger her). Tasteless, I know. I'm not even going to apologize for putting up spoilers on here because you wouldn't want to watch this movie anyway.

I mean, come on! What sane person would come up with a movie about teeth in a vagina? I bet whoever made this movie was toked up one night, stumbled upon the term, and thought it was hilarious. That, or he's a 12-year-old boy.

In fact, I think there are only two scenes here that are worth watching at all. The first one is when she tried to have sex with her brother, whose penis got cut off. He tries to get his dog to attack her but it ends up eating the severed organ instead. The second one is when she hitched a ride with a dirty old man, who made disturbingly hilarious faces at her after he brought her to a motel.

The Imperial Brother and I seriously wondered if that movie earned any money at all. It probably would have if the girl was hot, but really...

Anyway, we got our Internet back, so we can at least move in with our happy little imperial lives ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Mammoth, pt 2

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has another mammoth.

I know, I know, I already bought one earlier, but... I don't have one in white yet! >.<

I will now watch some Dora the Explorer episodes. Because I need to be inspired. For something.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Plastic, Eggs, and Bacon

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The imperial chambermaids did a most preposterous thing! They have left the Imperial Palace for their home province because they wanted to be part of their pathetic commoner festival! This left me and the Imperial Brother in quite a predicament.

Today, the Imperial Brother demanded -er- requested bacon and eggs for breakfast -er- dinner. Because I am a kind, loving, and generous Empress, I indulged him. I steeled myself and marched into that area of the palace where no empress should be seen working - the kitchen.

So I set about preparing the Imperial Brother's meal. I first cooked the eggs, which he demanded -er- requested to be sunny side up, and here is the result.

I ended up scrambling one of them because I cracked the shell in the wrong spot and the egg landed on the frying pan with a broken yolk >_<

Now this, my loyal subjects, is an innocent looking place mat.

As you can see, it is made of plastic.

Now this is what happens when you accidentally place a hot frying pan on top of an innocent plastic place mat.

Congratulations, Empress, you have just contributed to the widening of the hole in the ozone layer.

Anyway, I underestimated the amount of bacon left in the freezer, and this is how much I was able to make >_<

And that, my loyal subjects, is the Imperial Brother's dinner. He will eat it, and enjoy it, or it is off with his head.

Needless to say, my cooking skill has now increased by 1 ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty