No Habla Ingles

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I HAVE NOT DIED!!!

Anyway, some weeks ago I was invited to join a guild. Since it was going to take a while for the Imperial Court to level and gear their toons up enough for raiding, I decided to take the invitation.

After I took the invite, I watched from my super secret hiding place (the top of the tower next to the Silver Enclave) as the officers ran around Dalaran looking for me. It was amusing and scary at the same time because they looked like they were hunting me or something >_<

When they found me, I felt like a bug under a microscope as they inspected my gear and talent build >_< They, of course, wanted a few things changed. And I thought this was supposed to be a laid back guild >_<

They then asked me to jump into Vent so they can talk to me. I'm like, what? No habla Ingles! (No habla Espanol either, but that's not the point.)

So anyway, after gemming and enchanting my ass to make me raid-worthy enough, they gave me a lecture about the guild's rules and expectations. The last sentence was particularly intimidating: "If you leave the guild, we will kill you."

I'm sure the Imperial Court would understand ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

No Habla Espanol

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died.

(The following post may require familiarity with Exalted to appreciate.)

Last week, the Imperial Court and I gathered at the Imperial Consort's palace for our Exalted gaming fix. For this session, my Zenith, Raya, and her buddies were sent on a mission into Malfeas to sabotage an impending demonic invasion among other things.

Consort: *draws a map*

Consort: Because you cannot be teleported directly into the Green Sun Empire (otherwise you won't have to play this cool adventure I made for you), you will have to be teleported to Oramus, the Dragon Beyond the World. Near the portal would be an umuhan, a demon the will swallow you and shit you out straight into the Forest of Hrost Vita.

Empress: Ugh.

Consort: At the edge of the forest is a logging camp slash docks where a sandship awaits to take you across Cycelene, the Endless Desert. After you cross the desert, you will see Envela, the Behemoth in Submission. Envela is actually this huge ass centipede that serves as a road...

Empress: Consort, why does your centipede look like a big floppy di--

Consort: Moving on. Eventually you will reach Ipythima, which is like Malfeas' hottest red light district. On Ipythima you will find the Black Lotus Pavillion, which is the biggest building in the district. It's hard to miss.

Empress: *snores*

Consort: Thing is, the master chef in the Conventicle Malfeasent is such a regular customer of the Black Lotus, he had a portal made in the pavillion that leads into the Conventicle kitchens. That's how you will get into the Green Sun Empire.

Empress: Oh how convenient.

Consort: So can you remember how you're supposed to get into the Green Sun Empire?

Empress: First we go through the forest, across the desert, then on to the Green Sun Empire! Forest, desert, Green Sun Empire! Forest, desert, Green Sun Empire!

And this is how this session become the first ever episode of Raya the Explorer!

Raya Raya Raya the Explorer~

Cast of Characters:
Raya, Zenith caste Solar as Dora (Her Imperial Majesty's character)
Knife of the Ocean, Night caste Solar as Boots (the Head Imperial Bodyguard' character)
Benjaho, yeddim form Full Moon caste Lunar as Benny the Bull (NPC, the Imperial Consort's character)
Drifter Against the Vast Eternity, Twilight caste Solar as Tico the Squirrel (the Imperial Ambassador's character)
Hanya, Sidereal Chosen of Endings as Isa the Iguana (an Imperial Subject's character)
Storyteller - the Imperial Consort

Raya: Hola Senor Umuhan!
Knife: We need to get the umuhan to open his mouth, so he can shit us out into the Forest of Hrost Vita!
Raya: But Senor Umuhan only speaks Malfean! To get him to open his mouth, we have to say abre! Can you say abre?
Knife: Say abre! Say abre!
Umuhan: *opens mouth*
Knife: We did it, Raya! Now we just have to sit in his mouth and wait for him to swallow us, so he can shit us out!
Knife: *tosses Hanya into the umuhan's mouth*
Knife: Ladies first!
Storyteller: Okay, so the umuhan takes ten motes of essence from each of you...
Knife: Did you hear something, Raya?
Raya: I think it's the umuhan! Did you say something, Senor Umuhan?
Umuhan: Diez esencia.
Raya: Right. We have to pay him ten motes of essence! Here you go, Senor Umuhan!
Umuhan: *swallows the party*
Knife: Wow! Our first taste of hell, and that was one hell of a ride!
Raya: Thanks, Senor Umuhan! Gracias!

Knife: Where are we, Raya?
Raya: We are in the Forest of Hrost Vita! See that giant over there, that's actually Hrost Vita!
Storyteller: Okay, Hrost Vita is the Forest of Lust and Violence. Everyone please roll a temperance check.
Hanya: *fails the temperance roll*
Benjaho: *fails the temperance roll*
Knife: Oh no! What are Hanya and Benjaho doing?
Raya: We have to stop them, before the wake Hrost Vita up and chase us out of the forest!
Knife: Hanya stop humping! Benjaho stop slamming! Hanya stop humping! Benjaho stop slamming!
Frost Vita: ROAARR!
Knife: We're too late! RUN!

Knife: We made it, Raya! We made it through the forest!
Raya: We are now at the logging camp, and up ahead is the docks where we will catch a sandship to take us across the desert!
Knife: I'm hungry, Raya! Isn't there something to eat around here?
Raya: Don't just eat anything in Malfeas, Knife! We don't know what foods are safe or not! Don't worry, I brought my cache egg with me which is always packed with stuff!
Cache Egg: Cache egg cache egg~ Cache egg cache egg~ I'm the cache egg loaded up with things and knick knacks too~ Anything that you might need I have inside for you~
Raya: Here, Knife, have some good Creation food!
Knife: Yum yum yum yum yum! Delicioso!

Raya: Hola Senor Capitan!
Captain: Hola Raya!
Raya: We need to climb aboard your sandship, so we can cross the desert! Can we climb aboard your sandship, Senor Capitan?
Captain: Si!
Knife: Well that was easy.

Storyteller: On Envela, you hire a palanquin to take you to Ipythima. When you get there, Ipythima herself sees you and asks you to halt.
Ipythima: You, you, you, and you! Both of you five! Come down from that palanquin at once!
Raya: Look, Ipythima has four arms! Can you count her arms?
Knife: Then how is she pointing at all five of us at the same time?

Storyteller: You managed to convince Ipythima to allow you to use the Black Lotus portal to get into the Conventicle Malfeasent kitchens.
Knife: There are demons all over the place, Raya! I can sneak past them, Drifter can cast Flight of Separation, and Benjaho can shapeshift! How will you and Hanya get through?
Raya: I know! Maybe Hanya and I can wear disguises!
Knife: Great idea, Raya! Hanya could be a chef, and you could be a slave!
Raya: La kusinera, la muchacha! La kusinera, la muchacha!

Storyteller: So you finally reach the docks...
Knife: Oh no! Raya, there are three ships! Which one of them is the Creation breaking ship?
Raya: I bet it would be the biggest ship! Bikeno... bikeno... grande! It's that ship!
Hanya: *tosses soulbreaker orb unto the ship*
Raya: Okay let's get the hell out of here.

Knife: We did it, Raya! Even though Hanya destroyed the wrong ship, we were still able to destroy something! And I was able to rescue these stupid Exalts!
Raya: What was your favorite part, Knife?
Knife: My favorite part was sliding down the umuhan's guts and getting shat out into the forest!
Raya: My favorite part was pretending to be la muchacha and wearing a flimsy dress while Hanya pulls the chain around my neck!
Knife: Goodbye!
Raya: Adios!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Teeth

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Today, the Internet in the Imperial Palace died for a few hours. This left me and the Imperial Brother no choice but to, well, not do chores of course, but to grab the remote control and look for something to watch on TV.

So we ended up watching Teeth on Star Movies. We didn't get to watch it from the beginning, but we sort of got the gist of it. It's about this Christian girl who is obsessed with "purity", then finding out that she has this medical condition called vagina dentata. This means that her vagina has teeth. I actually looked this up and to my horror, I discovered that such myths actually exist. (According to Wikipedia anyway... not that Wikipedia is a reliable source...)

Anyway, those teeth must have rivaled any piranha's because they manage to cut the penises of anyone who tries to have sex with her (or the fingers of anyone who tries to finger her). Tasteless, I know. I'm not even going to apologize for putting up spoilers on here because you wouldn't want to watch this movie anyway.

I mean, come on! What sane person would come up with a movie about teeth in a vagina? I bet whoever made this movie was toked up one night, stumbled upon the term, and thought it was hilarious. That, or he's a 12-year-old boy.

In fact, I think there are only two scenes here that are worth watching at all. The first one is when she tried to have sex with her brother, whose penis got cut off. He tries to get his dog to attack her but it ends up eating the severed organ instead. The second one is when she hitched a ride with a dirty old man, who made disturbingly hilarious faces at her after he brought her to a motel.

The Imperial Brother and I seriously wondered if that movie earned any money at all. It probably would have if the girl was hot, but really...

Anyway, we got our Internet back, so we can at least move in with our happy little imperial lives ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Mammoth, pt 2

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has another mammoth.

I know, I know, I already bought one earlier, but... I don't have one in white yet! >.<

I will now watch some Dora the Explorer episodes. Because I need to be inspired. For something.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Plastic, Eggs, and Bacon

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The imperial chambermaids did a most preposterous thing! They have left the Imperial Palace for their home province because they wanted to be part of their pathetic commoner festival! This left me and the Imperial Brother in quite a predicament.

Today, the Imperial Brother demanded -er- requested bacon and eggs for breakfast -er- dinner. Because I am a kind, loving, and generous Empress, I indulged him. I steeled myself and marched into that area of the palace where no empress should be seen working - the kitchen.

So I set about preparing the Imperial Brother's meal. I first cooked the eggs, which he demanded -er- requested to be sunny side up, and here is the result.

I ended up scrambling one of them because I cracked the shell in the wrong spot and the egg landed on the frying pan with a broken yolk >_<

Now this, my loyal subjects, is an innocent looking place mat.

As you can see, it is made of plastic.

Now this is what happens when you accidentally place a hot frying pan on top of an innocent plastic place mat.

Congratulations, Empress, you have just contributed to the widening of the hole in the ozone layer.

Anyway, I underestimated the amount of bacon left in the freezer, and this is how much I was able to make >_<

And that, my loyal subjects, is the Imperial Brother's dinner. He will eat it, and enjoy it, or it is off with his head.

Needless to say, my cooking skill has now increased by 1 ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Battlestrider

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a new mount.

It is a mechanostrider, the gnome mount, which is the closest I can get to a hawkstrider, the blood elf mount. This is because I am actually a blood elf pretending to be human.

Anyway, at least I have a mount that doesn't not fit through doorways now.

I now leave you with a funny onyxia wipe voice chat animation that the Imperial Starfish showed me.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Dam

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I visited a friend's palace because he needed inspiration for the new game world he was creating. So we spent the afternoon hanging out at the palace's roof deck and just throwing ideas at each other.

Eventually, we came up with an empire that built a dam on the mouth of a huge lake.

Empress: ...and people also live around the dammed lake because that area is fertile.
Consort: *smirk*
Empress: ...and people also live on the dam itself so that the dam engineers can repair it when necessary.
Consort: *snicker*
Empress: ...maybe there's a city on the dam, so there is a separate dam area for the engineers to work in.
Consort: *snort*
Empress: ...to protect it, they built a dam wall, and the dam soldiers have huge crossbows all over.
Consort: Hahahahaha!
Empress: ~_~ You know what, let's just call it the Big Dam City ~_~ The dam people live there, and the dam food is good, what with the dam fish growing so fat and easy to catch.
Consort: You're so dam funny!

Needless to say, the pun lasted well into the evening. We ate delicious homemade curry rice for dinner and had banana milk shakes spiked with rose water and cardamom for dessert ^_^

Hope we all have a dam good week ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty