Kaguya Is a Jejemon!

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Because my imperial face is too divine for mere mortals to set eyes upon, I use an avatar for all my online interactions.

This is Kaguya from the anime Code Geass. She is an empress herself, or almost anyway, and I like her well enough, thus I chose her to be my online representative.

Why is Kaguya a jejemon, you ask? First of all, because I'm far too absorbed in my own little imperial world, I only recently found out what a jejemon is. (They like to type "hehehe" as "jEj3Je", apparently because it looks "cooler". Hence the name.) I also came to the conclusion that the unkempt looking youth wearing wannabe gangster clothing and usually with garishly colored hair and, unfortunately, who like to hang out in and around my skating rink, are most likely jejemons as well.

Anyway, two days ago, a bunch of jejemons decided to skate in my rink. Now believe it or not, I've actually become desensitized to the presence of these dirty creatures as they have pretty much become permanent fixtures around every skating rink (all two of them!) in the motherland. Sure, they ogle at me and every other female skater who look like they are above the age of 12, but I've decided that perfecting whatever element I'm currently learning is much more important than acknowledging their presence.

So I continued practicing, dodging the clumsy and unstable jejemons as I do so. I don't know when these idiots will figure out that try as they might, they will not be able to do the cool stuff that the hockey players do, because they are wearing rental skates that have toe picks while hockey skates do not.

As the stupid jejemons flail around tripping over their toe picks, I noticed one of their friends waving at them from behind the plexiglass. Actually, what I noticed was the jejemon cap perched on its head.

This is the jejemon cap. I know nothing about "legitimate" gangster culture, but upon further research I found out that the jejemon cap is a bastardization of the "trucker cap". A quick Google image search should show you what a proper trucker cap should look like.

So anyway, the jejemon I saw was wearing this same exact cap.

See, I've always thought that the jejemon cap was a myth. That it was cooked up by some bored elitist so other elitists like me have something else to laugh about. But alas, my innocence was shattered upon seeing this vile head accessory with my very own eyes.

When I returned to the Imperial Palace, I told the Imperial Brother about my horrific discovery. He reassured me that I wasn't going crazy, and that jejemon caps have been sprouting on jejemon heads like mushrooms. And that they are not to be confused with trucker caps.

I then asked him what turns a trucker cap into a jejemon cap.

1) A jejemon cap, like a trucker cap, is made from a mesh like material.
2) A jejemon cap, unlike a trucker cap, must have at least four different colors on it.
3) A jejemon cap must be two sizes too small for the jejemon's head and so could not be worn properly.

In a sudden and not-so-brief lapse of sanity, I asked the Imperial Brother if he can photoshop Kaguya and have her wear the jejemon cap.

Voila! Kaguya is now a jejemon!

We decided that I must have a jejemon name to go with it. It has to be wannabe gangster enough, and annoying to read (much less type).

Behold, the jevolution of the Imperial Jejemon Name!

(It took us 30 minutes to do this so you better appreciate it.)

Lil Empress => LiL Empress => LiL Empreszz => LiL EmpresZz => L!L EmpresZz => L!L 3mpresZz => L!L~3mpresZz => xL!L~3mpresZzx

J3jejEJj3JE~

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Holy Week's Board Games

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Despite the fact that I have recently discovered a passive-aggressive comment on one of my previous posts by a cowardly imperial detractor, who only had the guts to do so behind the impenetrable shroud of anonimity, I have resolved to continue entertaining you, my loyal subjects, who I KNOW are regularly reading the Imperial Blog otherwise Google Analytics is a big fat liar, with inane stories from my imperial life.

Anyway. Like I said last post, I spent the Holy Week playing Arkham Horror and Battlestar Galactica.

When I play Arkham Horror, I always pick Sister Mary for my investigator. See, I like Sister Mary. Not only does she start the game penniless and clue(token)less, she also has nothing but a useless cross and a useless bottle of holy water to protect her from monsters. Oh, and she also starts the game blessed.

Every turn, Sister Mary has to roll a d6 (that's a six-sided die for you non-geeks) to see if she loses her blessing or not. Under normal circumstances, it should be hard to actually lose this blessing since you need to roll a 1 to do so. But because I am such an evil empress, even the dice in a board game refuse to allow me to remain blessed and so would fudge the 17% chance of rolling a 1, making me lose my virgini--- blessing within the first three turns.

Anyway, because it was Holy Week, the Imperial Ambassador, who was running the game as usual, was able to randomly draw a mythos card where all the investigators may pass a luck check to get blessed. I, of course, was already un-blessed by that time and was happy for a chance to get re-blessed. So all the investigators rolled their luck dice and, despite the odds, everyone got blessed. Except me ~_~. Not until after I used up all of my clue tokens anyway.

So we were able to close all the gates and end the game with everyone still blessed. Except me ~_~. I lost my virgini--- blessing the turn right after we all got blessed.

Moving on.

Battlestar Galactica is always an enjoyable game for me. Despite the fact that everybody thinks I'm a Cylon. I've kind of learned to accept that. So anyway, I picked Boomer as my character for one game. See, every character in the Battlestar Galactica board game has a downside, and Boomer's was to be sent to the brig mid-game (during the sleeper phase) whether she's actually a Cylon or not.

So I was sent to the brig. Then a Cylon invading fleet appeared. I was the only pilot so I began bitching and moaning about how everyone else is a Cylon for not helping the only pilot get out of the brig when Galactica is surrounded by Cylon ships.

Finally, one of my gay friends (I confess, I have too many gay friends) relented and helped me get out of the brig. And the first thing I did after being freed was to reveal my Cylon card and kicked my gay friend into the brig ^_^ Finally, revenge after being accused of being a Cylon time and again (even though I always secretly wish that I actually was).

One of the things you have to do upon revealing that you are a Cylon is to give your remaining loyalty cards to another human or unrevealed Cylon player. To make things more interesting, we got some more loyalty cards (human) and I gave one to each player. Then we took a break for dinner.

See, I had the bad luck (or good luck, depending on how you view it) of drawing two Cylon loyalty cards during the game. So I was actually a double Cylon ^_^ Which means one of the human players is now also a Cylon ^_^

During dinner, everyone was accusing everyone else of being the other Cylon. Oh how I loved causing mistrust and intrigue in my Imperial Court ^_^

Unfortunately, we didn't get to finish that game because it was too late and everyone was too tired to think. Because I am a kind (but evil) empress, I didn't insist on finishing the game even if the Cylons were obviously going to win.

See, I don't have a pathetically fragile ego such that I need to win everything all the time ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Holy Week

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died.

Apologies for not being able to post for a week. Early last week I fell ill and had to confine myself in the imperial bedchamber again. The Head Imperial Bodyguard reckons that I was bitten by an insect which caused an allergic reaction.

Anyway.

Last week the Imperial Court gathered at the Head Imperial Baker's palace for three days of board games, card games, and role-playing games. In other words, three days of pure and total geekdom! We were also fed excellent food care of the Head Imperial Tailor who took charge of all the cooking (and made me eat yucky vegetables), and the Head Imperial Baker made s'mores. The Head Imperial Librarian also mixed zombies (yes, the alcoholic drink) so we are all drunk while gaming.

The Head Imperial Warlock brought his Once Upon A Time card game which I was able to try out for the first time. I also got to play my favorite board games, Arkham Horror and Battlestar Galactica, which were, of course, run by the Imperial Ambassador.

Which is why I gaped at him in horror when he volunteered to wash the dishes and clean up after one of the meals.

"You fool!" I screamed. "How are you supposed to run the games when you're washing the dishes?!?!? Oh heck, I am going to help you clean up so we can get started gaming faster!"

The Head Imperial Priestess, of course, would not allow my imperial hands to be stained by commoner chores and snatched the dirty dishes before I could touch them.

I was also able to fit in a little World of Warcraft in my busy schedule. I set up my lappy next to the Head Imperial Warlock's, where the Head Imperial Tailor was in the process of deleting the Head Imperial Warlock's tier 9 set. Unfortunately, the Head Imperial Warlock caught her and logged his account out of the game. The Head Imperial Tailor, with the help of the Head Imperial Hacker, then proceeded to scour the Head Imperial Warlock's lappy for his hidden porn.

They did find his porn, but it sucked so much that the Head Imperial Tailor decided to stream some porn from a site instead. This is why the tier 9 geared healer kept wiping at heroic dungeons.

What? I am an empress, not a god. I can't watch my mana bar while watching porn at the same time >_<

Easter Sunday was spent relaxing with the Imperial Consort at the Imperial Palace while listening to Wheel of Time audio books. We also waited to see if Cabbit would lay an Easter egg, but she didn't. Oh well.

Hope your commoner holy week was almost as exciting as mine ^_^



Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Summer

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I am not a camwhore, and I hate taking pictures. I also hate having to upload those pictures on the Internet. But there's something about blogging that compels you to take pictures anyway, and share them to your imperial constituents.

Every summer, the tree in front of the Imperial Palace drops these tiny yellow flower things on the pavement. It drives the obsessive compulsive old ladies crazy, having to sweep them all up all the time. But I like them because they're pretty ^_^

Anyway, I know its still March, but global warming and stuff. How was the tree supposed to know that it wasn't technically summer yet?

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Yet Another Weekend Report

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This weekend I did the following:

1) Eat.
2) Skate.
3) Eat.
4) Skate.
5) Eat.
6) Skate.
7) Raid.

Get yourselves into sports. That way, it won't be so bad if you eat more of the sweet stuff :D

Okay, back to raiding.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Raiding with PUGs: A Survival Guide

Greetings my loyal subjects!

(The following post requires some World of Warcraft raiding experience to appreciate.)

Are you a brand new discipline priest? Is this your first 80 toon and have zero experience in any raid? Got no one to teach you fights and must rely on PUGs? Read on!

Okay, I confess, I'm writing this more for myself than for any of you, but you are all ordered by imperial decree to read this anyway ^_^

1) Download the Deadly Boss Mod add-on. I know this will hurt your pride because, what kind of a leet healer needs add-ons? But trust me, there are way too many raid instances and way too many bosses for your non-encyclopedic memory to remember all the fights. Plus, there's too many things happening during a raid and too many people to heal, and you don't have ten billion eyes to see them all. DBM will alert you if a boss is about to do a special ability, if someone's being targeted by a special attack, and to run away if you're the target of the special attack.

2) Download Ventrilo so you can hear the tanks coordinating their attacks (and you know who to heal). Its also a great way to learn quick tips from more experienced raiders. You don't have to let these lowly mortals hear your divine voice if you don't want to.

3) If you don't know the fights, tell the raid lead that you don't know the fights. You don't want to cause the entire raid to wipe because you don't know what the heck to do, and be placed in the raid lead's never-invite-this-person list as a result. Tell them that you don't know the fights, and if they don't want to have to teach you, that's fine. Imperial beggars can't be choosers, and you'll eventually find a raid kind enough to teach you anyway. Besides, you're heals. Heals are hard to find. Raids will be forced to take you in anyway when they don't have a choice.

4) If your latency is above 600ms, log off! DON'T RAID! Do something else, like blog, or practice that stupid change foot spin, or actually get some work done on that new website. Just don't raid! Or the cool kids will shun you forever!!!

5) When somebody posts a healing recount and you don't top it, don't QQ. You're a discipline priest. Anyone you out-heal should be ashamed of themselves. Now if only someone would post a damage mitigation recount...

6) When you make a mistake and cause the raid to wipe, don't make excuses for it. But don't be hard on yourself either, even if the cool kids are all yelling at you. Just learn from that mistake, and move on.

7) Not raid related, but when you queue for that daily heroic, try to take a DPS with you. It will make their waiting time so much shorter. In fact, queue with everyone you know would want to get their daily even when you're done with yours. Not only will it help your faction, but will also win you some friends ^_~ Besides, more EoTs wouldn't hurt, especially if your shoes are still blue.

8) And most of all, have fun ^_^ Remember that this is just a game. Let the nerds have their nerd rage, but don't let them stress you out. Leave the raid if you have to and never raid with that person again if you want ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Dog vs Cat

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I apologize for failing to write a blog post last night. See, I spent the night raiding 10-man Trial of the Crusader again and completely forgot that I have an Empire to serve.

Yesterday, I brought the Imperial Dog to the vet for her bi-monthly flea shots. She, of course, was no fool; she jumped right back into my arms and dug in her claws the moment I tried to set her down on the steel bed thingy.

Anyway, after the vet jabbed the shot into her when she wasn't looking, I put her on the floor so she can wander around while the vet writes the receipt for the shot. Then, the vet's cat walked into the clinic from a back room.

The Imperial Dog hates cats. I think she secretly wishes she was a cat instead. She's aloof, sleeps all day, and licks her paws just like a cat. She even stretches like a cat.

Anyway.

The vet's cat is just as big as the Imperial Dog. But that didn't stop her from challenging it to a duel. She crouched down into a battle stance, ready to pounce. The cat did a battle stance too, the hair on the back of its neck rising like spikes.

One second later, I saw chocolate-colored round things drop out of the Imperial Dog's behind.

I whisked her away while mumbling apologies to the vet.

For literally scaring the Imperial Dog shitless, Cat 1, Imperial Dog 0 ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty