Dinner With the Holy Orifice

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Today I had dinner with the Head Minister of the Order of Rituals, Faith, Integrity, and Ceremonies (ORiFICe), formerly known as the Head Imperial Priestess. I like to call him the Holy Orifice. This is the conversation that took place during the meal:

Holy Orifice: I wonder if I should drop you off at your palace or not~
Empress: You can drop me off wherever you like, Orifice. I'll just walk home the rest of the way.
Holy Orifice: ...What!?
Empress: Of course, if something happens to me, you shall be held accountable.
Holy Orifice: ...Fine. I'll drop you off at your palace.
Empress: ^_^
Holy Orifice: ...Troll attempt failed >.<
Empress: Oh, THAT was a troll attempt?
Holy Orifice: I wanted to see if you'll bargain with me to bring you home safely >.<
Empress: The Empress does not bargain with mere mortals.
Holy Orifice: >.<
Empress: I am so going to blog this ^_^
Holy Orifice: When?
Empress: Tonight, while the memory is still fresh.
Holy Orifice: You won't remember the details~
Empress: That's fine. If I don't, I'll just make them up.
Holy Orifice: ARGH!
Empress: Oh, was THAT another troll attempt?
Holy Orifice: The Empress is too witty >.<
Empress: I wasn't even trying ^_^
Holy Orifice: Finish your stupid waffles >.>

The Empress eats waffles for dinner ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Court Role Play Update

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Today, the Head Imperial Chambermaid informed me that the Imperial Adviser for Public Relations did indeed find the artifacts he had claimed he did not. And, he tried to sell these to her!

Needless to say, the Head Imperial Warlock will have a new patient soon.

For the meantime,

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial Court Reorganization and Role Play

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

You will be pleased to know that the Imperial Court have rejoiced upon my return, and are rallying under my glorious Imperial Banner once more \o/ Many have forgotten their old titles, and have come forward to be enlisted anew. That is, I am keeping an actual list this time around, and hopefully I don't lose it despite my busy and demanding schedule ^_^

Needless to say, my return had reignited the Imperial Court's passion for role play, and the Imperial Adviser for Public Relations in particular engaged me with a few lines. It was a welcome diversion and kept my spirits up as I go through yet another stressful day \o/

Here are some snippets of our conversation for your entertainment pleasure:

PR Adviser: O benevolent one, I wish to embark upon a quest to obtain a rare and magical item.
PR Adviser: It is rumored that deep within the Mountains of Tralala lives a troll who wears the Serpent Belt of Plentiful Wifi.

Empress: Am I associated with this troll?

PR Adviser: No, for it is ugly and smells bad.

Empress: I see.

PR Adviser: Apparently the troll had also stolen the Obsidian Necklace of Silent Neighbors.

Empress: How may I offer you assistance?

PR Adviser: Thy blessing is all I need, o benevolent one.

Empress: Then go! Smite this ugly and smelly troll, and obtain the Serpent Belt of Plentiful Wifi and Obsidian Necklace of Silent Neighbors for my honor and glory!

PR Adviser: It shall be done gracefully in your name!

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PR Adviser: Alas, my lady.
PR Adviser: I have failed!
PR Adviser: The Serpent Belt of Infinite Wifi was not in the mountains as rumored.
PR Adviser: All I got was the Lion's Girdle of Silent Farting.

Empress: You are a disgrace to the Empire!

PR Adviser: T_T

Empress: As a member of the Imperial Court, I expect you to perform self-imposed penance, lest I throw you to the Head Imperial Warlock's laboratories!

PR Adviser: I shall wear the Shackles of Slow Elevators for a week as penance!

Empress: Excellent. Your suffering pleases me.

PR Adviser: In your naaaaaaame!

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I hope this exchange amused you as much as it amused me ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Ever Expanding Imperial Court

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

A couple of weeks ago, the Head Imperial Warlock held a feast in my honor, as well as to celebrate the day of his birth. During the banquet, he informed me that he had been re-reading some of the entries of my Imperial Blog, and that he still found them "amusing". I entertained the thought of once again granting my loyal subjects the privilege of having glimpses of my Imperial Life, however I could not find the motivation to take up the Imperial Pen once more.

About a week later, the Head Imperial Chambermaid and I were looking down from the highest tower of the Imperial Palace. We were discussing my duties as a video game designer, which I graciously took on some year and a half ago despite my already demanding responsibilities as your benevolent Empress. I was concerned that my performance as a video game designer falls short of what is deemed worthy of my noble station.

The Head Imperial Chambermaid suggested that maybe I just need a different creative outlet, as focusing on the video game I am working on may be causing me to stagnate. I have been working on a few other creative projects, none of them having much progress, so I thought maybe doing something fun and light-hearted might inspire me.

And so, here I am \o/

But undertaking this endeavor is not without problems. As my loyal subjects know, every member of the Imperial Court has been assigned a title to designate their role in my ever glorious Empire. However, I have been remiss in involving myself in the affairs of the Imperial Court for so long, I forgot which Courtier has been assigned which title! What's more, the Imperial Court had expanded to accommodate even more of my adoring loyal subjects, whose titles I have yet to assign.

I will also be re-assigning some of the titles to certain Courtiers to fit their current circumstances.

So I have now officially shared yet another page of My Imperial Life to my loyal subjects. Will this open up another chapter of My Imperial Life for public view? I am not omniscient, so I do not know.

But we shall see ^_^

For now,

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Eyelash Procedure

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

A week ago, a lady who owns a salon asked if she can use me as a model for her new eyelash extensions service. This means she will give me a free eyelash extension in exchange for letting her take before and after pictures of my eyes. Because I am Empress, I agreed.

So yesterday I walked into the salon where attendants promptly took pictures of my "before" eyes. Of course, they forgot to remove the camera's flash >.> Afterwards, I endured two grueling hours wherein they laboriously glued each fake eyelash under my real ones. Finally, they took a picture of my "after" eyes.

I rather like how I look after the procedure. At first it was kinda weird that my new lashes reach all the way up to my brows, but the length really emphasized my already pretty eyes. And the Imperial Consort thought that the lashes don't look fake at all.

The catch: the lashes certainly feel fake. My real lashes, though tiny, are as soft as feathers. These fake ones are as hard as toothbrush bristles. Its like wearing falsies except you can't take them off.

These particular extensions I have can last between three weeks to two months depending on how well I take care of them. This means I should not allow soap to touch them when I'm washing my face or showering. This also means I should wear goggles if I want to go swimming or soak in the jacuzzi, which I plan to do with my Imperial Nanny sometime this week. Sans the goggles. I do not intend to keep the lashes longer than three weeks ;)

Next time, if I want pretty eyelashes, I'll stick to falsies \o/

In the meantime, this is what I'm planning to do until the lashes fall off:

1) Lie face down on a dirty patch of floor.
2) Close my eyes.
3) Open my eyes.
4) Repeat 2 and 3 until patch of floor is clean.
5) Move to another dirty patch of floor.

(I wish I had a Roomba for the Imperial Palace >.<)

Keep calm and praise me \o/

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty  
 

Keep Calm

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Do not panic for I hath returned!

 

Stay tuned for new updates!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Send-off Party

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I summoned the Imperial Court to the Imperial Consort's palace for a final game day before he gets exiled. The court arrived bearing offerings of food, and we feasted while amusing ourselves with board games and card games.

Half of the court played Civilization: The Board Game with the Imperial Consort. I have never actually played this game myself. I'm too in love with Civilization 5 right now that the thought of playing another Civilization game depresses me.

The other half played Bang! and Exalted: War for the Throne Pro League with me. We call it "Pro League" because every player is required to be a cut-throat, cold-hearted veteran, making the game much more fun. Newbies will be mercilessly eaten alive with no chance of survival (hence, no fun).

Because some members of the Imperial Court dared defy me by arriving late, we didn't have enough veteran players at the start. And I refused to call War for the Throne with less than the maximum number of players "Pro League". So to pass the time while waiting, the Head Imperial Hacker brought out his Bang! card game.

Bang! is a wild west themed card game where inebriated sheriffs and outlaws shoot each other while dodging Indians. The goal of the game depends on the player's role, as I found out after the Head Imperial Warlock suggested that I should be the sheriff. It turned out that the goal for almost everyone else is to shoot the sheriff dead.

We proceeded with the game, with the Head Imperial Chauffeur as the sheriff. Everybody was shooting him, except for two people: me, and the Head Imperial Engineer. See, there are two people in the game whose goal isn't the same as the outlaws'. The deputy is supposed to help the sheriff stay alive. And the renegade is supposed to kill the sheriff - after he has killed everyone else.

So the game went on with the Chauffeur holding on to dear life while me and the Engineer were engaged in a one-on-one battle. (At this point, you can hear the outlaws singing "I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy!")

Of course, amidst gunshots and the buzz of alcohol, the Engineer and I were both trying to convince the Chauffeur that the other one is the bad guy.

Engineer: I'm the deputy!
Empress: No, I'm the deputy!
Engineer: You're a Cylon!
Empress: I am not a frakking Cylon!

Finally, the Chauffeur decided that I was the renegade (why am I not surprised), and threw me in jail.

Because I am Empress, I was able to keep the Chauffeur alive anyway, and when the game was done and all was revealed, the Chauffeur said,

"You felt safe in the jail... right?"

No, Chauffeur. No.

Then it was time to play War for the Throne Pro League. It was a bloody battle as usual since everyone wanted the throne for themselves. It was also rife with politics and backstabbing, something that the Imperial Court is versed with doing to each other anyway. Like when the Engineer and I were deciding to launch an attack to either the Chauffeur or the Head Imperial Librarian, and when my troops were ready to strike the Engineer suddenly backs out to focus on building a war manse instead.

I particularly liked how the Chauffeur and the Librarian cooperated to keep me from winning.

Chauffeur: I sabotaged Her Majesty's legions near the shore so they're easy pickings for your ships.
Librarian: Why didn't you sabotage her ships instead?
Chauffeur: Because if you sink all her ships, then your ships will be able to secure you a victory via blockade.

Ah, the Imperial Court. Always scheming to overthrow me, and always scheming to overthrow each other.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty