The Return of the Scarlet Empress

An Imperial Send-off Party

2011-02-17T15:45:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I summoned the Imperial Court to the Imperial Consort's palace for a final game day before he gets exiled. The court arrived bearing offerings of food, and we feasted while amusing ourselves with board games and card games.

Half of the court played Civilization: The Board Game with the Imperial Consort. I have never actually played this game myself. I'm too in love with Civilization 5 right now that the thought of playing another Civilization game depresses me.

The other half played Bang! and Exalted: War for the Throne Pro League with me. We call it "Pro League" because every player is required to be a cut-throat, cold-hearted veteran, making the game much more fun. Newbies will be mercilessly eaten alive with no chance of survival (hence, no fun).

Because some members of the Imperial Court dared defy me by arriving late, we didn't have enough veteran players at the start. And I refused to call War for the Throne with less than the maximum number of players "Pro League". So to pass the time while waiting, the Head Imperial Hacker brought out his Bang! card game.

Bang! is a wild west themed card game where inebriated sheriffs and outlaws shoot each other while dodging Indians. The goal of the game depends on the player's role, as I found out after the Head Imperial Warlock suggested that I should be the sheriff. It turned out that the goal for almost everyone else is to shoot the sheriff dead.

We proceeded with the game, with the Head Imperial Chauffeur as the sheriff. Everybody was shooting him, except for two people: me, and the Head Imperial Engineer. See, there are two people in the game whose goal isn't the same as the outlaws'. The deputy is supposed to help the sheriff stay alive. And the renegade is supposed to kill the sheriff - after he has killed everyone else.

So the game went on with the Chauffeur holding on to dear life while me and the Engineer were engaged in a one-on-one battle. (At this point, you can hear the outlaws singing "I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy!")

Of course, amidst gunshots and the buzz of alcohol, the Engineer and I were both trying to convince the Chauffeur that the other one is the bad guy.

Engineer: I'm the deputy!
Empress: No, I'm the deputy!
Engineer: You're a Cylon!
Empress: I am not a frakking Cylon!

Finally, the Chauffeur decided that I was the renegade (why am I not surprised), and threw me in jail.

Because I am Empress, I was able to keep the Chauffeur alive anyway, and when the game was done and all was revealed, the Chauffeur said,

"You felt safe in the jail... right?"

No, Chauffeur. No.

Then it was time to play War for the Throne Pro League. It was a bloody battle as usual since everyone wanted the throne for themselves. It was also rife with politics and backstabbing, something that the Imperial Court is versed with doing to each other anyway. Like when the Engineer and I were deciding to launch an attack to either the Chauffeur or the Head Imperial Librarian, and when my troops were ready to strike the Engineer suddenly backs out to focus on building a war manse instead.

I particularly liked how the Chauffeur and the Librarian cooperated to keep me from winning.

Chauffeur: I sabotaged Her Majesty's legions near the shore so they're easy pickings for your ships.
Librarian: Why didn't you sabotage her ships instead?
Chauffeur: Because if you sink all her ships, then your ships will be able to secure you a victory via blockade.

Ah, the Imperial Court. Always scheming to overthrow me, and always scheming to overthrow each other.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Sims 3

2011-02-11T11:28:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

So last night I completely forgot to post on the blog because I was too busy playing The Sims 3. The Imperial Consort got me a copy for Christmas but I've barely been able to play with this life simulation game due to real life issues. But while I'm on break from real life, I get to enjoy pretend life. ^_^

I don't know if I've mentioned it often enough, but Exalted is my favorite role playing game. And in the world of Exalted, there are beings borne of mortals and ghosts called the ghostblooded. So when I heard that sims can mate with ghosts and have little ghost babies, I didn't want to pass the chance!

To save my dwindling supply of creative brain cells, I spared myself the trouble of creating my own sims and decided to take over Agnes Crumplebottom's life. Living all by herself in a house haunted by her late husband, she was perfect! And thus her existence became but a plaything to my divine will.

I am not an overmind without a conscience, however. Agnes dreams of becoming a best-selling author and famous artist. So when I'm not forcing her to seduce her husband's ghost at night, we spend the rest of the time either writing or painting.

So did I get my ghost baby? No. After helping her make her dreams come true, Agnes refused to submit herself to my will anymore. All she wanted to do was play computer games all day. Her favorite game is that one where she gets to control the life of a disgruntled software developer. I think she enjoys the challenge. ~_~

Oh well. Seducing a ghost that only comes out after midnight takes too much time. And I find myself having a decreasingly low tolerance for things that are supposed to be fun but take too much time. And this, my loyal subjects, is proof that I am getting old.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Updates!

2011-02-08T23:54:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

For now, I have the time to make regular posts on my imperial blog again. I have recently quit my job as a software developer and will be assuming the role of Empress once more. The Imperial Dog has been sitting on my throne while I was gone, and unfortunately, she wasn't doing a very good job.

And now, for some of what's been happening in my imperial life lately. I quit my job because I felt like I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. No, having an excuse to wear my imperial outfits outside the Imperial Palace isn't considered a "right reason". The whole experience wasn't a waste of time, however. I made some wonderful memories, gained new friends, and got introduced to the wonderful substance called "alcohol".

No regrets there! ^_^

In other news, the Imperial Mother has recently arrived in the motherland to make my imperial life slightly miserable. Specifically, she has commandeered my imperial bedchamber and condemned the Imperial Dog to a dog bed for the duration of her stay. Nevertheless, she has been busy making the Imperial Palace even more imperial than it already is. This includes replacing the placemats I burned last year.

I still play video games, though the job kept me from wanting to face another computer screen after working hard all day. I rarely play board games and roleplaying games because all I want to do during weekends is to sleep, even if the painful changes that took place in the Imperial Court never happened. And of course, now that I'm at a skill level where I need at least two practice sessions every week, something I can't really afford for now, figure skating is out of the question. = (

These are some of the things that I will try to do more often again soon. ^_^

And now, for a bit of sad news. Five weeks from now, I will once again be exiled for a few months. This is going to be a start (a continuation, actually) of a series of exiles that will eventually lead to a permanent one, an inevitability that I've been trying to delay for the past three years. I was having too much fun with the Imperial Court that I didn't like having to leave. But now I have realized that the Imperial Court that I knew and loved will never stay constant. Still, whatever the Imperial Court becomes in the future, I know that they will always be there for me wherever I go. ^_^

Like I always say, my imperial life shall go on, and there will always be stories to tell in the future.

For the future!

The Return of the Scarlet Empress

2011-02-06T21:52:00.002+08:00

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

Receiving audiences again, soon!

Change

2010-09-20T23:18:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

There are changes that have happened in my imperial life, and sometimes these changes happen so fast. Some things have ended, but lots of things have also begun. I have been hurt, but my future looks brighter than it had ever been before.

Because of these changes, there are things I have learned that I will share with you now.

That one shouldn't converse with someone whose eyes they never see or whose voice they never hear, lest the words be misinterpreted;

That just because the message was not heard, doesn't mean the recipient refused to listen; it could be that the message was too ambiguous to understand in the first place;

That in order to end the cycle of pain, one must be prepared to stay their hand and turn around, instead of striking back; and to be prepared to be labeled a coward for it;

That people who hurt others are in terrible pain themselves;

That there are people who derive happiness from other people's misery, but that is not true happiness;

That there are people who derive power from other people's weakness, but that is not true power;

That it is so easy to go along with other people's opinions, and so hard to find out the truth for yourself;

That it is perfectly fine to hate someone, but it takes a certain finesse to treat them with respect;

That no sentient being, no matter how evil, deserves to be treated dishonorably;

That different people have different opinions on what "right" is, but "right" is always hard to do regardless;

And that the truest friends come to you during the saddest point of your life, unbidden, and from the most unexpected places, not to help you fight, but to help you heal.

Meanwhile, my imperial life goes on, and there will be more stories to tell. I hope to continue making you laugh, sometimes at others, but mostly at me and my amusing misadventures ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Java Forever

2010-09-03T14:07:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Obviously, work has eaten me alive, so I am now sneaking a blog update before I return to my daily eight-hour worship of Java ^_^

In the meantime, I shall leave you with a video that my officemates used to indoctrinate me into the cult of Java ^_^

(Warning: Requires programming knowledge to appreciate)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9JIiCkDyMQ

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

P.S. My officemates are NOT geeks >< (or so they say)

The Geek Trap

2010-08-05T08:19:00.002+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

So after weeks of enduring bullying from my so-called non-geeky officemates, I have decided to honor my Imperial legacy and rise against this injustice! Therefore, as my revenge, I have created The Geek Trap!

How To Make A Geeky Officemate Trap, Imperial Style

1) Grab a copy of a video game magazine from the Imperial Consort's office.
2a) Sit next to the target and slowly rifle through the pages.
2b) Dangle the magazine in front of the target's computer monitor.
3) Paste a smug look on your face as target grabs for the magazine.
4) Enjoy the target's confession of geekiness.

Tip: Leave the magazine on your desk. More geeks will reveal themselves once they pick it up ;)

Moral of the story: Geeks are everywhere, you just have to know how to find them (or coax them out of their closets).

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Work Perks

2010-07-22T10:33:00.002+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Let me tell you some facts about my new work place.

1) It is within walking distance of all the best eating places in this part of the motherland.
2) It is located on the ground floor. Because I am afraid of heights, this is a VERY GOOD thing.
3) FREE MILO. (I know at least one of my readers will be insanely jealous.)
4) There is no dress code, so I can wear whatever the hell I want.
5) Flexi-time, so I can raid in the morning!
6) They have a Wii!

So after exchanging pleasantries with my new officemates on my first day of work, I dropped the big question.

Empress: So, when are the DotA tournaments?
Officemate: Uh, we don't really play DotA here.
Empress: *gasp* What do you do after work!?!?!
Officemate: We go jogging ^_^
Empress: ~_~ Are you sure this is a software development company?

So yeah. These people are JOCKS. ~_~ The only games they have on their Wii are either Wii Sports or some variant of it. Haven't they heard of Guitar Hero or Rock Band?

Sheesh.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Update

2010-07-08T12:15:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

As you may have noticed, I have been very lapse with updating the Imperial Blog. This is due to some changes that has happened with my Imperial Life. Mainly, I have once again succumbed to the temptation of selling my soul to the corporate devil and now spend eight hours of my life every work day chained to a desk.

Once I have worked out the kinks in my new daily schedule (fitting in raids and skating practice, of course), I will probably be able to regale you with my inane stories more frequently.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

No Habla Ingles

2010-06-22T22:20:00.004+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I HAVE NOT DIED!!!

Anyway, some weeks ago I was invited to join a guild. Since it was going to take a while for the Imperial Court to level and gear their toons up enough for raiding, I decided to take the invitation.

After I took the invite, I watched from my super secret hiding place (the top of the tower next to the Silver Enclave) as the officers ran around Dalaran looking for me. It was amusing and scary at the same time because they looked like they were hunting me or something >_<

When they found me, I felt like a bug under a microscope as they inspected my gear and talent build >_< They, of course, wanted a few things changed. And I thought this was supposed to be a laid back guild >_<

They then asked me to jump into Vent so they can talk to me. I'm like, what? No habla Ingles! (No habla Espanol either, but that's not the point.)

So anyway, after gemming and enchanting my ass to make me raid-worthy enough, they gave me a lecture about the guild's rules and expectations. The last sentence was particularly intimidating: "If you leave the guild, we will kill you."

I'm sure the Imperial Court would understand ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

No Habla Espanol

2010-06-02T02:25:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died.

(The following post may require familiarity with Exalted to appreciate.)

Last week, the Imperial Court and I gathered at the Imperial Consort's palace for our Exalted gaming fix. For this session, my Zenith, Raya, and her buddies were sent on a mission into Malfeas to sabotage an impending demonic invasion among other things.

Consort: *draws a map*

Consort: Because you cannot be teleported directly into the Green Sun Empire (otherwise you won't have to play this cool adventure I made for you), you will have to be teleported to Oramus, the Dragon Beyond the World. Near the portal would be an umuhan, a demon the will swallow you and shit you out straight into the Forest of Hrost Vita.

Empress: Ugh.

Consort: At the edge of the forest is a logging camp slash docks where a sandship awaits to take you across Cycelene, the Endless Desert. After you cross the desert, you will see Envela, the Behemoth in Submission. Envela is actually this huge ass centipede that serves as a road...

Empress: Consort, why does your centipede look like a big floppy di--

Consort: Moving on. Eventually you will reach Ipythima, which is like Malfeas' hottest red light district. On Ipythima you will find the Black Lotus Pavillion, which is the biggest building in the district. It's hard to miss.

Empress: *snores*

Consort: Thing is, the master chef in the Conventicle Malfeasent is such a regular customer of the Black Lotus, he had a portal made in the pavillion that leads into the Conventicle kitchens. That's how you will get into the Green Sun Empire.

Empress: Oh how convenient.

Consort: So can you remember how you're supposed to get into the Green Sun Empire?

Empress: First we go through the forest, across the desert, then on to the Green Sun Empire! Forest, desert, Green Sun Empire! Forest, desert, Green Sun Empire!

And this is how this session become the first ever episode of Raya the Explorer!

Raya Raya Raya the Explorer~

Cast of Characters:
Raya, Zenith caste Solar as Dora (Her Imperial Majesty's character)
Knife of the Ocean, Night caste Solar as Boots (the Head Imperial Bodyguard' character)
Benjaho, yeddim form Full Moon caste Lunar as Benny the Bull (NPC, the Imperial Consort's character)
Drifter Against the Vast Eternity, Twilight caste Solar as Tico the Squirrel (the Imperial Ambassador's character)
Hanya, Sidereal Chosen of Endings as Isa the Iguana (an Imperial Subject's character)
Storyteller - the Imperial Consort

Raya: Hola Senor Umuhan!
Knife: We need to get the umuhan to open his mouth, so he can shit us out into the Forest of Hrost Vita!
Raya: But Senor Umuhan only speaks Malfean! To get him to open his mouth, we have to say abre! Can you say abre?
Knife: Say abre! Say abre!
Umuhan: *opens mouth*
Knife: We did it, Raya! Now we just have to sit in his mouth and wait for him to swallow us, so he can shit us out!
Knife: *tosses Hanya into the umuhan's mouth*
Knife: Ladies first!
Storyteller: Okay, so the umuhan takes ten motes of essence from each of you...
Knife: Did you hear something, Raya?
Raya: I think it's the umuhan! Did you say something, Senor Umuhan?
Umuhan: Diez esencia.
Raya: Right. We have to pay him ten motes of essence! Here you go, Senor Umuhan!
Umuhan: *swallows the party*
Knife: Wow! Our first taste of hell, and that was one hell of a ride!
Raya: Thanks, Senor Umuhan! Gracias!

Knife: Where are we, Raya?
Raya: We are in the Forest of Hrost Vita! See that giant over there, that's actually Hrost Vita!
Storyteller: Okay, Hrost Vita is the Forest of Lust and Violence. Everyone please roll a temperance check.
Hanya: *fails the temperance roll*
Benjaho: *fails the temperance roll*
Knife: Oh no! What are Hanya and Benjaho doing?
Raya: We have to stop them, before the wake Hrost Vita up and chase us out of the forest!
Knife: Hanya stop humping! Benjaho stop slamming! Hanya stop humping! Benjaho stop slamming!
Frost Vita: ROAARR!
Knife: We're too late! RUN!

Knife: We made it, Raya! We made it through the forest!
Raya: We are now at the logging camp, and up ahead is the docks where we will catch a sandship to take us across the desert!
Knife: I'm hungry, Raya! Isn't there something to eat around here?
Raya: Don't just eat anything in Malfeas, Knife! We don't know what foods are safe or not! Don't worry, I brought my cache egg with me which is always packed with stuff!
Cache Egg: Cache egg cache egg~ Cache egg cache egg~ I'm the cache egg loaded up with things and knick knacks too~ Anything that you might need I have inside for you~
Raya: Here, Knife, have some good Creation food!
Knife: Yum yum yum yum yum! Delicioso!

Raya: Hola Senor Capitan!
Captain: Hola Raya!
Raya: We need to climb aboard your sandship, so we can cross the desert! Can we climb aboard your sandship, Senor Capitan?
Captain: Si!
Knife: Well that was easy.

Storyteller: On Envela, you hire a palanquin to take you to Ipythima. When you get there, Ipythima herself sees you and asks you to halt.
Ipythima: You, you, you, and you! Both of you five! Come down from that palanquin at once!
Raya: Look, Ipythima has four arms! Can you count her arms?
Knife: Then how is she pointing at all five of us at the same time?

Storyteller: You managed to convince Ipythima to allow you to use the Black Lotus portal to get into the Conventicle Malfeasent kitchens.
Knife: There are demons all over the place, Raya! I can sneak past them, Drifter can cast Flight of Separation, and Benjaho can shapeshift! How will you and Hanya get through?
Raya: I know! Maybe Hanya and I can wear disguises!
Knife: Great idea, Raya! Hanya could be a chef, and you could be a slave!
Raya: La kusinera, la muchacha! La kusinera, la muchacha!

Storyteller: So you finally reach the docks...
Knife: Oh no! Raya, there are three ships! Which one of them is the Creation breaking ship?
Raya: I bet it would be the biggest ship! Bikeno... bikeno... grande! It's that ship!
Hanya: *tosses soulbreaker orb unto the ship*
Raya: Okay let's get the hell out of here.

Knife: We did it, Raya! Even though Hanya destroyed the wrong ship, we were still able to destroy something! And I was able to rescue these stupid Exalts!
Raya: What was your favorite part, Knife?
Knife: My favorite part was sliding down the umuhan's guts and getting shat out into the forest!
Raya: My favorite part was pretending to be la muchacha and wearing a flimsy dress while Hanya pulls the chain around my neck!
Knife: Goodbye!
Raya: Adios!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Teeth

2010-05-29T04:00:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Today, the Internet in the Imperial Palace died for a few hours. This left me and the Imperial Brother no choice but to, well, not do chores of course, but to grab the remote control and look for something to watch on TV.

So we ended up watching Teeth on Star Movies. We didn't get to watch it from the beginning, but we sort of got the gist of it. It's about this Christian girl who is obsessed with "purity", then finding out that she has this medical condition called vagina dentata. This means that her vagina has teeth. I actually looked this up and to my horror, I discovered that such myths actually exist. (According to Wikipedia anyway... not that Wikipedia is a reliable source...)

Anyway, those teeth must have rivaled any piranha's because they manage to cut the penises of anyone who tries to have sex with her (or the fingers of anyone who tries to finger her). Tasteless, I know. I'm not even going to apologize for putting up spoilers on here because you wouldn't want to watch this movie anyway.

I mean, come on! What sane person would come up with a movie about teeth in a vagina? I bet whoever made this movie was toked up one night, stumbled upon the term, and thought it was hilarious. That, or he's a 12-year-old boy.

In fact, I think there are only two scenes here that are worth watching at all. The first one is when she tried to have sex with her brother, whose penis got cut off. He tries to get his dog to attack her but it ends up eating the severed organ instead. The second one is when she hitched a ride with a dirty old man, who made disturbingly hilarious faces at her after he brought her to a motel.

The Imperial Brother and I seriously wondered if that movie earned any money at all. It probably would have if the girl was hot, but really...

Anyway, we got our Internet back, so we can at least move in with our happy little imperial lives ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Mammoth, pt 2

2010-05-26T23:49:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has another mammoth.

I know, I know, I already bought one earlier, but... I don't have one in white yet! >.<

I will now watch some Dora the Explorer episodes. Because I need to be inspired. For something.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Plastic, Eggs, and Bacon

2010-05-20T23:33:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The imperial chambermaids did a most preposterous thing! They have left the Imperial Palace for their home province because they wanted to be part of their pathetic commoner festival! This left me and the Imperial Brother in quite a predicament.

Today, the Imperial Brother demanded -er- requested bacon and eggs for breakfast -er- dinner. Because I am a kind, loving, and generous Empress, I indulged him. I steeled myself and marched into that area of the palace where no empress should be seen working - the kitchen.

So I set about preparing the Imperial Brother's meal. I first cooked the eggs, which he demanded -er- requested to be sunny side up, and here is the result.

I ended up scrambling one of them because I cracked the shell in the wrong spot and the egg landed on the frying pan with a broken yolk >_<

Now this, my loyal subjects, is an innocent looking place mat.

As you can see, it is made of plastic.

Now this is what happens when you accidentally place a hot frying pan on top of an innocent plastic place mat.

Congratulations, Empress, you have just contributed to the widening of the hole in the ozone layer.

Anyway, I underestimated the amount of bacon left in the freezer, and this is how much I was able to make >_<

And that, my loyal subjects, is the Imperial Brother's dinner. He will eat it, and enjoy it, or it is off with his head.

Needless to say, my cooking skill has now increased by 1 ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Battlestrider

2010-05-20T01:42:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a new mount.

It is a mechanostrider, the gnome mount, which is the closest I can get to a hawkstrider, the blood elf mount. This is because I am actually a blood elf pretending to be human.

Anyway, at least I have a mount that doesn't not fit through doorways now.

I now leave you with a funny onyxia wipe voice chat animation that the Imperial Starfish showed me.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Dam

2010-05-18T02:56:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Consort and I visited a friend's palace because he needed inspiration for the new game world he was creating. So we spent the afternoon hanging out at the palace's roof deck and just throwing ideas at each other.

Eventually, we came up with an empire that built a dam on the mouth of a huge lake.

Empress: ...and people also live around the dammed lake because that area is fertile.
Consort: *smirk*
Empress: ...and people also live on the dam itself so that the dam engineers can repair it when necessary.
Consort: *snicker*
Empress: ...maybe there's a city on the dam, so there is a separate dam area for the engineers to work in.
Consort: *snort*
Empress: ...to protect it, they built a dam wall, and the dam soldiers have huge crossbows all over.
Consort: Hahahahaha!
Empress: ~_~ You know what, let's just call it the Big Dam City ~_~ The dam people live there, and the dam food is good, what with the dam fish growing so fat and easy to catch.
Consort: You're so dam funny!

Needless to say, the pun lasted well into the evening. We ate delicious homemade curry rice for dinner and had banana milk shakes spiked with rose water and cardamom for dessert ^_^

Hope we all have a dam good week ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Worm

2010-05-14T03:03:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a worm.

Well, its not really a worm. Its a cobra hatchling pet, but it looks like a miniature version of the hunter worm pet. It was given to me by a friend who switched realms because ours suck. He will be missed Q.Q

Anyway, the Imperial Ambassador went into a dungeon one day and I, of course, brought my new worm with me. See, I have a macro for my Divine Hymn spell that makes my priest say fancy stuff while casting it. But because having a pet worm automatically makes anyone imba, this is what my priest said instead.

Empress: [Demonic] Lok Ashjrakamas Zar azarathud EnkiLZAR!
Ambassador: Uh... Your Majesty, did you just cast your Divine Hymn spell in Demonic?
Empress: ...It's the worm! It's the worm, I tell you! It made me so imba, I'm speaking in tongues!

It turned out that I had the spell Curse of Tongues cast on me, but I still blame the worm!

On our next Exalted game, my Zenith will cast her healing spells in Malfean.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Mammoth

2010-05-13T03:09:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I has a mammoth.

That's me in my Furious Gladiator set by the way. It has become my default outfit when not raiding or doing instances. At least it doesn't make me look like a garbage bag.

Anyway, the reason why I saved up for a mammoth (even if my gear is still ungemmed... mounts take priority over gear ^_^) is because it is my dream to be part of a mammoth train.

That is a mammoth train. It consists of at least two mammoths on a straight line and marching slowly around Dalaran. It's real cute to watch, actually ^_^

The problem with mammoths is the fact that they are too big.

That is me trying to squeeze my mammoth through the Ironforge auction house doorway. Of course, the mammoth will never fit. I also get this problem when trying to go through doorways in battle grounds ^_^

There is only one solution for this problem.

Save up for a smaller mount ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

iPad

2010-05-07T04:03:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

It started with an innocent question.

"Empy, what is an iPad?"

I knew that the Imperial Mother has been wanting to get herself a netbook so she can surf the Internet wherever she goes, and when she asked that question when we were talking on the phone one day, I told her to get on her computer and log on to her IM. I then sent her a link to this video.

So the Imperial Mother was watching the video and began squealing with glee on how cool she thinks it is and how she's definitely buying one >_< Just then, the Imperial Father decided to look over my shoulder where my lappy is playing the same video and watched for awhile.

Then, the Imperial Father was tugging on my sleeve squealing with glee on how cool he thinks it is and how he's definitely buying one >_<

Parents >_< They lecture us on how tough things were back in their day with the lack of cellphones and the Internet, and a new gadget shows up and they want to buy it right away.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Tale of the Drunk Octopus

2010-05-06T01:16:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Like I said, I had my emo haircut some time back and have been skating with the bangs covering my face. So last week I was warming up by doing Salchow jumps...

...and fell.

The fall wasn't so bad, but because I'm a closet emo drama queen, I rolled unto my back and lied down flat on the ice. I began flailing my arms and legs about like a helpless, well, emo.

"BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB!" I cried.

At this point, sifu skated over to me and screamed, "GET UP! YOU LOOK LIKE A DRUNK OCTOPUS!"

Well. He did have a point.

On my next Exalted game, my Lunar will get herself drunk and assume an octopus form.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

New Haircut!

2010-04-30T02:55:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Skaters should always keep their hair away from their face. My hair was getting too long for me to fix for skating so last weekend, I want to my salon to get a haircut.

I also had bangs put in. As you can see, the bangs are short enough to freely fall unto my face and long enough to cover it. This is intentional, because I am actually a closet emo.

This also drove sifu nuts.

(I also found myself swiping the bangs out of my face whenever I do a jump, a spin, practically anything ^_^)

Well, at least my hair is much shorter now ^_^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

New ISP!

2010-04-27T15:21:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have now subscribed to a new ISP \o/

I am now busy playing WoW.

Don't bother me.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Celestial Steed

2010-04-24T03:20:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Just because my Internet has been terribad doesn't mean I haven't been keeping abreast with the latest World of Warcraft news ^,..,^

So I went window shopping on the Blizzard Store and saw this beautiful thing.

That, my loyal subjects, is a celestial steed. It is a flying mount made of elemental stardust; enough to make you feel as if Pegasus himself is taking you soaring across the sky. Who cares about robot unicorns? This is the mount that an empress simply must not be seen without.

Did I buy one? Of course not. What's the point of spending $25 on an in-game mount when I can't go online enough to ride it? And don't you infidels accuse me of being a cheapskate. I am an empress, not a billionaire.

But I did go online for a bit just to see what it looked like in-game. So I walked around in Dalaran, hoping to spot someone with a celestial steed. Surely someone in Dalaran must have bought one by now.

And I did spot someone with a celestial steed.

And it was a tauren.

Seriously. The most flamboyant mount in the game and the first person I see riding it was a tauren. That is just so... GAY.

(No offense to my gay friends.)

I will now attempt to appease myself by playing Robot Unicorn Attack like, a bazillion times.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Tale of the Gummy Burger

2010-04-22T02:00:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I recently passed my Freestyle 3 test (YAY \o/) and will start Freestyle 4 lessons next week. This means that I could finally, finally do a passable change foot spin. But not without going through half of the coaching staff in my rink first.

My sifu, after getting frustrated at my inability to learn that change foot spin in a month, passed me on to the rink's spinning expert. He instructed me for another month, at the end of which was when I could finally rotate the spin. During this time, some of the other coaches also pitied me and gave me tips on how I could do the spin more consistently.

One of the coaches, Coach B, spent an entire afternoon doing just that. He dragged me to the middle of the rink and practically gave me step by step instruction on how to do that spin. And I didn't pay him a single cent ^_^

Anyway, that afternoon was the start of my eureka moment, leading to my eventually mastering the spin enough to pass the test.

Last weekend, Coach B asked me to demonstrate my one foot spin to his student who just couldn't get how to do it. He told her that I had a hard time learning the one foot spin too (true), but now can do it beautifully (modesty aside, of course ^_^ Lots of people have commented on how good my one foot spin looks now ^_^). But the kid still couldn't get it. Eventually, Coach B skated away in frustration saying "Can you just show her how to do it, just one more time?"

Because Coach B exerted so much effort teaching me the change foot spin, I showed my one foot spin to her over and over, and explained to her what I did step by step. I also taught her what I did to finally learn it. By the end of the afternoon, she could do two rotations ^_^

After the session, she came over to me, said thanks, and handed me a gummy burger ^_^ It felt so good helping out other people who enjoy doing the same things you do ^_^ It also proves that not all kids who skate are brats ^_^

(I am not planning to become a skating coach in the future, though >_< Like I always say, I hate being cold, I'm scared of heights, and I get dizzy easily. I'm not that masochistic ^_^)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Updated Imperial Seal!

2010-04-21T02:15:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The Imperial Ambassador has updated the Imperial Seal!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Final Fantasy Tactics

2010-04-16T01:16:00.002+08:00

2010-03-26T01:15:00.000+08:00

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Achievements

2010-03-12T02:30:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

As you may have noticed, I have recently added an RSS feed to the Imperial Blog that indicates my latest World of Warcraft activities and achievements. I do not want to admit that I am actually proud of these achievements. Sadly, I am T_T

Anyway, I was just wondering. What if there is a shiny banner that pops up above our heads whenever we do a real life achievement, like getting promoted or losing weight?

Or finally learning a new skill in a sport?

Fine, I still can't do a change foot spin to save my life, but I was able to do four of them tonight (out of a bazillion attempts). Well, it was really just me spinning on one foot then changing feet then doing two spins before changing back, but the point is, I was still spinning.

I am SO going to skate all weekend. Geeky board games and online games be damned ^,..,^

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Latest Imperial Facebook Adventures

2010-03-10T03:07:00.000+08:00

2010-02-09T00:36:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Again, the Head Imperial Baker redid the laces on my sneakers.

I think they're going to have a new look every week ^_^

I shall now go back to my Battlestar Galactica viewing marathon. More stories when I feel like writing them XD

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Converse Double Uppers Redux

2010-02-05T02:38:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Head Imperial Baker offered to lace my Converse Double Uppers for me. I have no idea how the heck he laced those things, but this is how they looked like after he was done with them.

I promise, they look so much better when you wear them. And yes I am a crappy photographer but you mere mortals have no right to complain.

Anyway, they will stay that way until another member of my Imperial Court thinks they can do better ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Cabbit is on PetVille!

2010-02-03T01:12:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Because today is do-stuff-other-than-playing-World-of-Warcraft day (a.k.a server maintenance), I checked my Facebook account and discovered that they have a few new games (well, they're probably not that new, but its been ages since I last checked my Facebook so there). I of course tried them out, and since I already made a Cabbit on Pet Society, I decided to make one on PetVille as well ^_^

Cabbit hated it of course. She even insisted that she wasn't that dark, and the only reason why she looked thus was because I haven't given her a bath since forever and therefore she is covered in dust.

So of course the first thing we checked out was the clothing store...

...Then I saw another game called Warstorm and I am now hopelessly addicted (it's a collectible card game, without all the fuss!)

PetVille is now all but forgotten. Sorry Cabbit XD

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

And Speaking of Quests...

2010-02-02T02:09:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I was kicking back and relaxing on the giant mushroom Telredor in Zangarmarsh when I got a quest from Anchorite Ahuurn.

"Return to Feralfen Village and discreetly gather some of their idols so that I may study them. Try to avoid angering them, Empress, as it may hurt our chances of making contact with them."

"What? You want me to steal this hapless village's religious relics in the name of studying them so as to know the best way for you to shove your self-righteous morals up their asses?"

For the sake of experience points, I did it anyway ~_~

I wasn't discreet, of course. I'm a priest not a rogue ~_~ Anyway, I ended up killing more than a handful of villagers in exchange for less than a handful wooden voodoo dolls, all because the draenei back up at Telredor want to help them 'see the light'.

This, my loyal subjects, is how wars start ~_~

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

When Questing Goes Wrong

2010-01-29T01:46:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Recently, I have been accompanying an imperial slave as he adventures through Azeroth and Outland with his paladin. Specifically, he has been doing quests and would rudely interrupt my ~~Battlestar Galactica viewing marathon~~ work whenever he needs a healer to keep him alive while he kills an elite monster.

One day, the imperial slave encountered an ancient shadowmoon spirit somewhere in Shadowmoon Valley. So he goes around collecting certain items for this kindly old spirit, just because he is a good law abiding paladin (and because he needed the experience points).

When all the items have been collected, the ancient shadowmoon spirit gave a wicked grin and said,

"Surely you did not believe the fairy tale that I told you. The Altar of Shadows is my prison. Without your help, I would have been stuck here for all eternity. Now, I will take over your body and you will destroy my captors and break these bonds. Refuse and we will both be stuck here forever."

It turned out that the kindly old spirit was Teron Gorefiend, a powerful and evil death knight! So he possesses the imperial slave, and I was there laughing my arse off because he was so easily fooled, even as he unwillingly killed Gorefiend's warden.

So anyway, after getting over the fact that he had actually helped a dead death knight possess him, the imperial slave met a kindly old troll who so very nicely asked him to massacre the other trolls in Drak'tharon Keep. And because he is a good law abiding paladin, he obliged.

After the deed was done, the kindly old troll appeared and thanked him for his help. Then all of a sudden, none other than the Lich King stepped out of a portal and praised the troll for adding an entire city to his undead armies.

Once again, the imperial slave began cursing his own stupidity because he was fooled into doing something evil yet again, while I was there laughing my arse off (and drooling over Arthas, because I'm a hopeless Arthas fan girl).

The imperial slave has since sworn that he will SO research these quests before agreeing to do them.

But where's the fun in that? ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

A Letter From The Imperial Skating Rink

2010-01-28T01:59:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I, by the Appointment of the Stars the 99th Ruler of the Empire, wish to say a few words.

1) If you are gazing upon the rink from the second floor balcony, make sure that you or your children do not drop candy wrappers onto the ice surface. Not only will it score you a one way ticket to the gallows, it would also cause harm to my loyal but clumsy subjects who are skating below.

2) If you and your special someone wish to make out, please do so in a private place. Note that the space right outside the skating rink is not a private place. There are people in the skating rink who can clearly see through the clear plexiglass what exactly the heck you are doing.

3) If you decide to try ice skating for yourself, stay on the sides of the rink. Skating is a dangerous sport, and people get hurt because clumsy beginners uncontrollably crash into other clumsy beginners. Only attempt skating in the middle when you have passed Basic Skating Level 3. By then you should have learned enough control to get the heck out of a clumsy beginner's way.

4) If you see me skating backwards, get the heck out of my way. I will most likely attempt a change foot spin, which I still have not learned after 2 months of working on it. But I am determined like heck to finally frigging learn it, and will literally mow down anyone in my path. So get the heck out of my way.

Heed these words, my loyal subjects, for my word is law.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

More Crazy Headgear

2010-01-26T01:06:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

My recent adventures in Northrend have yielded new rare gear for my priestess to wear. Utgarde Keep in particular gave me a Reinforced Velvet Helm which I wore right away, without even bothering to see what it looked like.

Later, while I was hanging out in the Ironforge auction house, a random gnome came up to me and said "My, you look like a dominatrix!"

I guess my priestess's ordeal with crazy looking headgear is far from over.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

The Tale of The Bloodthirsty Blade

2010-01-23T01:38:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

A week ago I left my skates at sifu's so he can have the blades sharpened. I can hold my edges better now, and the blades are ready to slice through ice and infidel alike.

This reminds me of the time when I first got my skates. The boots were still very stiff so I was very uncomfortable and cranky. And the blades of course were freshly sharpened.

Anyway, sifu decided to help me break them in by making me practice jump landings. He knew I was more aware of my throbbing feet than the clumsy skaters who were falling all over the place, so he shooed them away whenever I set up for a waltz jump.

But there was this one idiot boy who was skating in the opposite direction from everyone else, and headed my way. Both sifu and I assumed everyone will be intelligent enough to know what the arrows on the walls of the rink meant and wasn't expecting anyone to be coming in from the opposite direction.

So I jumped. And I landed. I was careful to make sure that I keep my chin up, lean back on my shoulders, and keep my toe pointed.

Then I hit something.

I looked back, and I saw this boy wearing a nice pair of denim shorts, his shin a bloody mess. I stayed in a perfect landing position for approximately three seconds before it registered that I had cut someone's leg open.

Sifu escorted the boy out of the rink, but not before telling me to continue practicing and don't worry about anything else.

Nobody dared come close to my little corner of the rink the rest of the afternoon.

So. My blades are sharp once again. I wonder who their next victim will be?

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

More Imperial PUG Adventures!

2010-01-22T01:19:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Unfortunately, this is going to be short since I've been distracted by World of Warcraft and work for the last week :-(

Anyway, I have recently reached level 70 on my priestess. That means I get to try the Northrend dungeons for the first time! So I queue for one using the Dungeon Finder, and I got into a group heading into Utgarde Keep.

It was okay. It was the usual kill the mobs, kill the bosses, get new gear experience. Then we got to the last boss. And killed him.

So he's dead, right? Then the other guys in the group started shouting at me.

"HIDE BEHIND A PILLAR! QUICK!"

I looked around, confused, and asked, "Why?"

Then I hear this terrifying voice say,

"I RETURN! A SECOND CHANCE TO CARVE OUT YOUR SKULL!"

And the resurrected boss dropped right on top of me.

The rest of the group laughed at me as I ran around screaming "OMGOMGOMGOMG" (while keeping everyone alive, of course).

So that was my first ever Northrend dungeon. I've tried the other Northrend dungeons as well, each proving to be more interesting than the last. But they are much more fun than the old dungeons ^_^

...I think I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Yet Another Battlestar Galactica Weekend

2010-01-19T02:46:00.002+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Ever since the Imperial Ambassador first introduced his Battlestar Galactica board game to the Imperial Court, we have been playing it every weekend since. We just love the fact that it provides us another venue for the backstabbing and intrigue that is commonplace in the Imperial Court anyway (but like other officials in any form of government, we are hopelessly addicted to them).

Of course, everybody still presumes I am a Cylon even before the loyalty cards are distributed ^_^

So anyway, on last weekend's game, an imperial subject (hereby referred to as subject 1) immediately revealed himself as a Cylon early in the game. That means there is only one more Cylon hiding amongst us, so we immediately began accusing each other (and they don't even accuse me, since it is already an established fact that I am a Cylon >_>).

Then another imperial subject (hereby referred to as subject 2) sent the Head Imperial Librarian, who was currently president, to the brig, which led me to suspect that he was the Cylon.

The third imperial subject (hereby referred to as subject 3) began screwing up so much, that the Head Imperial Librarian also sent him to the brig, never mind that he wasn't actually a Cylon ~_~.

At the middle of the game, I was revealed to be a Cylon, though unfortunately I sympathized with the humans >_>. I was sent to the brig anyway.

At this point there were three of us in the brig, including the President and the Admiral (I was playing the Admiral this game). And because the Head Imperial Warlock is an evil bastard, he chose this time to reveal himself to be a Cylon and sent subject 2 to the brig.

Now all the humans (and sympathizers) are in the brig, with the Cylons freely screwing Galactica up. We were all laughing like mad at the despairing fact that humanity is doomed and we're not even halfway to Kobol. Never mind the fact that this is all because we were too busy accusing each other of being Cylons to properly keep Galactica in decent shape in the first place.

So we continued playing Prison Break -I mean- Battlestar Galactica anyway, but by the time we managed to get out of the brig all of our civilians were either dead or dying ^_^

Thus the Cylons win. Again.

So anyway, after the game subject 1 bought a ~~pirated~~ copy of the first season of the series, and we all watched it while having our evening feast. Subject 1 told me to watch out for Caprica Six, because he's sure I'd love her.

Empress: Is that Caprica Six?
Subject: Yes Your Majesty.
Empress: ...Is she a Cylon?
Subject: Yes Your Majesty.
Empress: Why does everyone assume that I love Cylons, or actually am one?
---after the first scene---
Empress: I LOVE CAPRICA SIX! OMG, I LOVE Caprica Six!!!

I am now badgering the Imperial Consort to get me a copy of the entire series so I can admire my newest idol ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Converse Double Uppers

2010-01-16T02:35:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The Imperial Mother has sent me two pairs of Converse Double Uppers for Christmas.

As you can see, they have two sets of shoelaces and two sets of eyelets on them. But I think they look cool so I wanted to wear them right away.

So I set about trying to figure out how to lace the darn things. The first thing I tried is to lace them up normally, like how you would lace up any other sneaker except this time I have to do it on two layers.

I didn't like how it turned out. The laces on the top layer practically covered the entire bottom layer, and I wanted both layers to be seen clearly.

So I spent the afternoon trying to research on the Internet on how the heck do I lace these things. Frustrated, I ended up calling the Imperial Mother to ask her how.

"You are such an idiot. You're only supposed to lace the bottom layer, then keep the extra laces as spare."

So I did just that, and it turned out pretty well.

Then I got to the second pair of sneakers.

See, this pair came with two different colored laces, and I couldn't decide which one to use. Actually, I wanted to use them both >.<

So after hours of lacing and unlacing the thing, and getting lots of little nicks on my imperial fingers because they keep getting scraped by the eyelets, this is what I came up with.

I'm not exactly wild about this solution, but it'd do well enough for me right now until I come up with another one.

I still can't wait to wear them though ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Skating Rant

2010-01-14T01:39:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Please excuse the lack of amusing posts lately. I'm just frustrated at the fact that I've been trying to learn the change foot spin for a month now, and still haven't shown any progress with it. Sifu has been scaring me with stories of other skaters taking a year just to learn it, while other skaters have confirmed that it took them months. It did take me three months to learn the one foot spin, but still! I just wanna get this over with so I can move on with my imperial life! >.<

Anyway, last night the Head Imperial Chauffeur and I went out for coffee, where I entertained him by making mean and nasty comments about all those infidel mortals who refuse to bow to my imperial rule. Whenever I do that, though, I end up taking a nasty fall the next time I go skating.

So this afternoon, I ended up doing just that. I was getting frustrated trying to learn the change foot spin, while sifu was equally frustrated trying to spin me around (literally - he was swinging my arm and leaving me spinning like a top) when I finally got it... for like two rotations then I lost my balance and fell hard on my bum.

I really hate having to leave the rink without feeling like I accomplished anything. It feels like a total waste of (expensive) ice time, but at the same time I can't force my divine but mortal body to continue skating if it was dead tired.

Oh well. I'm chucking this up to exhaustion, and a slight emotional imbalance in my otherwise perfect imperial life.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Imperial PUG Adventures!

2010-01-12T00:59:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Is this why I always get lost in Azeroth?

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Bubbles!

2010-01-08T02:29:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This story is just too funny not to share. (Warning: May require some experience with Word of Warcraft to appreciate.)

One of the things I like about WoW is that you get to go on dungeon runs with random strange people off the Internet. The randomness and strangeness adds to the unpredictability of the run which makes for an exciting experience.

So anyway, one night I was out with a group raiding a dungeon. Then the tank had to leave, so the group was deciding on what to do next.

Mage: So, do we look for a new tank?
Paladin: I can tank.
Mage: Okay.

We stood around for a few seconds, waiting for the paladin to change into tanking gear. When it was apparent that he wasn't doing such a thing, the mage asked again.

Mage: Uh, do you have a shield or some such?
Paladin: No.
Mage: So how are you planning to tank?
Paladin: With this! *casts Divine Shield* *a bubble forms around him*
Hunter: Bubbles?!?!
Priest: Yeah! Bubbles! Like this! *casts Power Word Shield on the paladin* *another bubble forms around him*

I know. I couldn't resist making the already annoyed hunter and mage even more annoyed ^_^

So we were finally ready to face our first mob with our bubbled paladin. I struggled to stop giggling and focused on attempting to salvage everyone's asses from certain doom.

I placed a bubble around him, and he charged.

The mob literally ran right through him.

I tried to keep the mage and the hunter alive anyway, but the paladin had to say the most fail and/or epic line ever.

Paladin: ...I can't tank.

At this point, I had to let go of my mouse and my keyboard and began literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

We all died, of course ^_^

Fun times!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Battlestar Galactica

2010-01-06T03:00:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, the Imperial Ambassador brought out his brand new Battlestar Galactica board game for the Imperial Court to try. The game is based, of course, on the hit TV series itself. The object of the game is to make sure that Battlestar Galactica reaches Kobol before the Cylons destroy it, while managing the ship's resources, making repairs, and bullshitting the lowly citizens into believing that the huge hole in the engineering bay was caused by a tiny asteroid and not by a Cylon mothership.

The thing is, the Cylons are actually some of the players also, though nobody knew who they were.

So we played the game, and Galactica was doing fine at first even though everyone believed that I was a Cylon. Halfway through the game though, the Head Imperial Librarian (who was President of Galactica) was found out to be a Cylon and therefore proceeded to openly screw us up. The presidency was then passed to the Head Imperial Warlock.

Then, just when Galactica was only one jump away from Kobol, I realized that the Head Imperial Warlock and the Head Imperial Tailor (who was Admiral of Galactica) were also Cylons. In a desperate attempt to save Galactica, I staged a mutiny to throw the Head Imperial Tailor out of office so that the Imperial Consort can become the new Admiral. I was successful, even though the Imperial Consort fought so hard against me because he still believed that I was a Cylon.

But I was too late. Right after I threw the Head Imperial Tailor in jail, the Head Imperial Warlock revealed himself to be a Cylon and proceeded to blow the ship up.

So anyway, it was still a fun game and very realistic; the leaders of humanity all turned out to be Cylons and the only one who tried to stop them was the lowly engineer - and everyone still believed she was a Cylon.

I can't wait to play this game again ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Torture Device

2010-01-05T03:22:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

The Christmas season just wouldn't feel complete without a trip to the amusement park, so the Imperial Court decided to visit one sometime last week.

Because I am afraid of heights and being turned upside down, I of course didn't come unprepared. I arrived at the park wearing a tiny dress to discourage the Court from making me ride a roller coaster. After all, what loyal subjects would suffer to see Her Majesty's underpants exposed for all the lowly commoners to see?

Was I wrong. When the Court saw the roller coaster, the Head Imperial Priestess immediately grabbed my arm before I could sneak away to hide behind some fake mummy in the haunted house. I demanded my release of course, which fell on deaf ears. I pointed out my lack of modest clothing, to no avail. Eventually I was begging - BEGGING! - not to be forced to ride the damn thing, but the Priestess declared that the gods had demanded that I ride my first roller coaster then and there, at the most unsafe amusement park in the motherland.

That said, the Imperial Ambassador, the Head Imperial Artist, and an imperial slave each grabbed my remaining limbs and dragged me writhing and screaming to the roller coaster, while the Seneschal for the Council of Queens looked on.

I, of course, did not enjoy the ride. That was the most terrifying two minutes of my entire imperial life. Never mind the fact that a park full of lowly, ungrateful commoners who idly stood by as their ruling monarch was made to suffer this indignity are feasting on the sight of my imperial panties. I was screaming my lungs off, cursing my imperial birth and all the responsibility that comes with it. When I was finally allowed to walk away from this torture on my unsteady feet, I swore I was ready to attempt a double axel.

But it wasn't over. The Imperial Ambassador led me to the boat ride, and no I didn't mean the nice little things that float on a tiny fake lake where you can relax and feel the gentle waves of the filthy brackish water. I meant those torture devices shaped like a boat and would raise you fifty feet in the air and shake you until you've lost your lunch - even if you didn't have lunch.

The Imperial Ambassador called it The Imperial Torture Device. This is where we will strap infidels who defy my imperial rule and shake them into submission. I was about to ask him if by infidels he meant those such as the Imperial Court, but before I could do that he insisted that I personally test the device to see if it does its job to my satisfaction.

And so the Court once again grabbed each of my limbs and strapped me at the shakiest end of the boat.

After another two minutes of raining imperial saliva at the park grounds below, the Imperial Court and I settled down and bought snacks and explored the haunted house, where I had some small satisfaction watching as the Court forced the Imperial Ambassador at the head of the line, where he'd scream like a little girl every time a mechanical fictional creature jumped at him from some dark corner.

And thus concluded another day in my imperial life.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Happy New Year, My Loyal Subjects!

2010-01-02T02:29:00.000+08:00

May everyone be surrounded by their true friends in times of uncertainty, as it did in mine ^_^

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Updates! Updates! Updates!

2009-12-30T02:36:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I apologize for the lack of updates lately. See, I've been spending the Christmas season ice skating, eating, and getting drunk. And since the season isn't actually officially over, I have yet more getting drunk to do.

Rest assured that I have and still am accumulating good stories to tell, and they will all be told in due time for your reading pleasure.

But for now, though, I am going to rest. More fun awaits!

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Seasons Greetings My Loyal Subjects!

2009-12-25T00:53:00.000+08:00

Have a Merry Imperial Christmas to you all!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Cabbit is on Pet Society!

2009-12-23T00:59:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Facebook is a good thing. Not only is it a great place to show off to people you pretend to be friends with, but it provides fun, entertaining games for when you are waiting for you module to upload, your web server to restart, or while on a flight path in World of Warcraft.

This is why I don't understand why companies ban Facebook from their networks. I do have the imperial belief that it keeps the employees' minds from stagnating. Anyway, fortunately for me, I am un self-employed, so I can access Facebook whenever I want.

One of the games I enjoy playing on Facebook is Pet Society. Here you create your very own weird looking pet thingy, then you take care of it and play with it and basically do stuff with it.

So anyway, I decided to make my Pet Society pet look like Cabbit. Here is her photo:

As you can see, Cabbit is actually THE Cabbit, as in Ryo-Ohki the cat-rabbit from Tenchi Muyo. I wouldn't be surprised if she is the only one of her kind in existence in the motherland. The Imperial Consort gave her to me as a ward against evil spirits and annoying persons. I take her with me wherever I go, even whenever I go into exile.

Needless to say, Cabbit and I are quite close ^_^

Anyway, here is the Pet Society version of Cabbit:

I did a pretty good job, if I must say so myself.

Cabbit, of course, hated it. She said she's much prettier than this crappy video game representation of her. So to express her displeasure, she wrote this note on her status page.

She calmed down a little after I put a t-shirt on her avatar. See, she loves clothes, never mind the fact that she is a Ryo-Ohki plushie and about the only things she could wear are baby hats and baby mittens. (She also resents the fact that the Imperial Dog owns more clothes than she does.)

One day, the Head Imperial Assassin's pet Belleblossom gave Cabbit a visit.

Cabbit, of course, didn't fail to notice Belleblossom's snazzy wig. She then dragged me to the clothing store because she wanted me to buy one for her.

But before I would spend my hard earned coins, I wanted to make sure that it actually looked decent on her. So I had her try it on.

Because I refused to have Cabbit look like a mop, I didn't buy it for her.

Later, Cabbit updated her status page.

Isn't she cute?

I must bid you farewell for now, my loyal subjects, because Cabbit needs a bath... and another carrot... and I think she's eying the new Christmas wear in the clothing store...

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Racism in MMOs

2009-12-17T23:47:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I took my priestess out on an instance run one night in the hopes of finding non-ridiculous looking headgear. In my group were a gnome warrior and a dwarf paladin. Because of the wonder of the brand new Dungeon Finder introduced in patch 3.3, the warrior was assigned tank while the paladin was assigned DPS. This did not sit well with the paladin, however, because he kept pulling mobs before the warrior can. This, of course, pissed the warrior off.

"Please remember that I am TANK."

To which the paladin replied,

"Please remember that you are GNOME."

He then began a tirade on how gnomes are unsuitable tanks because they are too small, then started spouting off nasty short jokes. After a few minutes of this the night elf druid couldn't take anymore and said,

"Dude, you're a dwarf, you're like, one foot taller."

The paladin, of course, refused to lose the argument.

Paladin: But gnomes are the smallest in the game.
Druid: Not for long.
Paladin: Goblins are taller than gnomes.
Druid: No, they're the same height.
Paladin: Goblins are taller because of their ears.

Because of my laggy connection, and because the two DPS are arguing instead of actually doing DPS, the group, except for the paladin died.

Druid: Okay, who can resu?
Warrior: The DWARF can.
Paladin: Call me "paladin", not "dwarf", you little racist!

Which brings me to my little topic. What's with all the racism in online games? Don't we have enough of this in the real world? Sure, everyone's a little bit racist sometimes, doesn't mean we go about committing hate crimes (Avenue Q rocks!), but still. Calling Tauren cows and Accretians tin cans? That's insulting! Players have feelings too!

And besides, everyone is equal no matter what your race is. After all, you all are nothing but specks of dust at my imperial feet.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Character Classes

2009-12-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Last weekend, I loaded the Imperial Consort, Imperial Brother and Imperial Dog in the imperial car so we can go to a certain 15 pound one-year-old's birthday luau. Along the way, the Imperial Consort and Imperial Brother were engaged on a conversation.

Brother: I think I want to try out Star Wars: The Old Republic when it comes out.
Consort: Cool. What are the character classes?
Brother: Trooper, Smuggler, Jedi Knight and Jedi Consular for The Galactic Empire, and Bounty Hunter, Sith Warrior, Imperial Agent, and Sith Inquisitor for the Sith Empire.

At this point, I found my imperial brain automatically translating the character classes to their "proper" names:

"~~Trooper~~ (Tank), ~~Smuggler~~ (Range DPS), ~~Jedi Knight~~ (Melee DPS), ~~Jedi Consular~~ (Magic DPS)."

"~~Bounty Hunter~~ (Tank), ~~Sith Warrior~~ (Melee DPS), ~~Imperial Agent~~ (Range DPS), ~~Sith Inquisitor~~ (Magic DPS)."

So anyway, the conversation continued.

Consort: Have you tried Neo Steam yet?
Brother: What classes do they have?
Consort: Warriors, Mystics, Machinists, and Scouts.

The imperial brain translates:

"~~Warriors~~ (Tank), ~~Mystics~~ (Magic DPS), ~~Machinists~~ (Crafter), ~~Scouts~~ (Range DPS)."

The point is, though I greatly enjoy the fancy names, I discovered that my imperial brain automatically categorizes everything as either Tank, Melee DPS, Range DPS, Magic DPS, Healer, or Crafter...

Excuse me, my loyal subjects, while I lock myself in the imperial bedchamber and ponder the mysteries of my imperial online gaming life.

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

An Exhausting Imperial Weekend

2009-12-14T23:27:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I just went through an action packed weekend, which included the following activities:

1) Making fun of an innocent person whose only crime was to mistake me for someone they knew from the distant past. The Head Imperial Chambermaid and I came up with loads of nasty insults aimed at said innocent person, making the Imperial Ambassador uncomfortable and wish he wasn't part of the conversation. I even laughingly told them that bad karma will hit me during skating practice, making me wipe out and painfully land on my bum when I do my toe loop attempts.

2) Skating practice. I landed my first (uncheated!) salchow jump. I also did toe loop attempts, and yes, bad karma did hit me and I did wipe out, painfully landing on my bum.

3) Serving as imperial life guard at a certain 15 pound one-year-old's birthday luau. My job was to hang out at the deep end of the pool, making sure none of the 15 pound one-year-old's little friends strayed too far from the shallow end. If they did end up straying too far from the shallow end, I was to make sure that they drown so they wouldn't have a chance to grow up and pass on their idiot genes to their would-be offspring. I also had to do all that while carrying said 15 pound one-year-old in my arms, making sure we both do not drown.

4) Getting imperially drunk at a party. See, I was trying to get myself to stop making fun of the innocent person stated in 1). Unfortunately, the alcohol only made the pranks and comments like, ten times nastier.

Needless to say, I am imperially tired. I will now hit the imperial sack and try to recover my imperial energy.

Regular imperial programming will resume tomorrow.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Crazy Headgear

2009-12-10T22:36:00.002+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Part of the fun in playing World of Warcraft is going into instanced dungeons and finding rare gear.

Some time ago, I had my new priestess join a group headed into Gnomeregan. It was fun of course, and the group loved my epic heals as usual. Then we faced the final boss, Mekgineer Thermaplugg. And defeated him, of course.

When we looted his corpse, we found an Electromagnetic Gigaflux Reactivator. I won the roll, and I was so happy to be able to wear my first rare headgear. Until I actually wore it. And it looked like this:

That is not my priestess, that is a random gnome wearing an Electromagnetic Gigaflux Reactivator. But anyway, the point is it looked ridiculous on my imperial priestess head. And as if the mini satellite dish isn't bad enough, the thing actually spins around your head, as if looking for a signal from Outland or something.

So I had to endure wearing that thing for several days, and I couldn't take it off because its stats are so much better than the other headgear I found. I also had to endure the cyber stares of virtually everyone I see in-game, and more than a few of them actually stopped to ask me what the heck I'm wearing.

I eventually came up with an imperially witty response:

"Excuse the funny hat. I am cosplaying a Terran Science Vessel."

A few days ago, I had my priestess join another group, this time going into Zul'farrak. After we defeated Shadowpriest Sezz'ziz, we were able to loot a Bad Mojo Mask from his corpse. Again I won the roll, and I was so happy because I have a better rare headgear to replace my ridiculous one. Until I actually wore it.

Again, that is not my priestess, that is a random gnome wearing a Bad Mojo Mask. But anyway, everyone in-game continued to give me cyber stares, and more than a few continued asking me what the heck I was wearing.

Which prompted me to come up with yet another imperially witty response:

"Excuse the freaky mask. I am cosplaying a troll."

I feel like my priestess is destined to wear ridiculous looking headgear >_<

2009-11-24T01:06:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

This weekend was the Imperial Consort's birthday bash. He celebrated by running his current favorite game ever, Dungeons and Dragons. Of course, because it is his birthday, the birthday clause dictates that I have to imperially participate in the game as well. And in case some of you, my perverted loyal subjects, are wondering: no, we did not have sex while playing DnD. Sickos.

Anyway, because the Imperial Consort knows me so well, he made me a character based on my playing style.

Empress: ...You made me a warlord?
Consort: She's not just a warlord, she is also a Princess of Cormyr! Do you like her?
Empress: I don't like swords.
Consort: Do you want her to use a mace instead?
Empress: ...

So the Imperial Court and I spent the afternoon whacking kobolds and gnomes when I could have been doing the same on World of Warcraft (except I'd be blasting them to smithereens with my spells instead of using something as barbaric as a sword).

Admittedly, though, I did actually have fun. Sometimes, an empress finds it relaxing to roleplay a mere princess. I also got to kick a beggar child in the rump and claim that I thought it was a rag doll (stuff you just can not do on a computer game).

The one thing I don't like about the game was the fact that it was very structured. See, in this scenario my character had to help her cousin out when she does not really care about his reputation and would rather do something else. But if I chose not to get my character to help, then the whole scenario is ruined for everyone else in the game... Its really like playing a linear video game where you have very limited choices (if any) on what to do in the game world, and the only thing you actually get to do is pilot the character(s) through battle scenes.

But I'm pretty sure that if the Imperial Consort designs a free-ranging campaign for me, I might actually enjoy Dungeons and Dragons ^_^

So here's to the Imperial Consort, and have a very happy birthday!

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

Valkyrie Profile

2009-11-19T22:37:00.002+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Because I've been spending so much time alone in my bed trying to fight this accursed infection, I decided to dig out the old PSP to keep my imperial brain from stagnating. I wasn't really looking for any game in particular, so I just played whatever was already loaded on there, which was Valkyrie Profile.

In Valkyrie Profile you play the role of Lenneth, a goddess of war recently reawakened and tasked to go to Midgard to find mortal heroes suitable of becoming Einherjar. Boring enough, actually. But what really kept me playing was the epic warcries they shout during battle scenes. They're so epic I didn't mind hearing them over and over everytime a battle starts.

My favorite lines are from Princess Jelanda (Now face a princess's true wrath! This is divine punishment! Impudent fool! Ten thousand deaths are not enough for you!). She reminds me of myself back when I was a wee little empress girl.

Anyway, like I said, I was supposed to send the mightiest mortal heroes I find to Valhalla to help out in the war. Naturally, I sent Odin my weakest warrior, Llewellyn. I mean, he's the All-Father, right? If someone can whip Llewellyn to shape, it would be him.

At the end of the first chapter, Freya sent me a report on what's been happening in Asgard. We are losing the war, of course. Then I read a report on how Llewellyn's been doing. I found out that he's been promoted, he played a major role in an important battle, and he helped a poor animal.

I was incensed! I'm down here, recruiting hapless mortals, training them to wield a sword properly, and all I get in return are some lousy artifacts! While the hapless mortals themselves get to reap glory while kicking Vanyr butt!

...I'm gonna go play some more.
KTHXBAI

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Empress Is Alive!!!

2009-11-16T16:22:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I have not died. I, however, have been very very ill, and would require bed rest for the next week. What I am doing out of bed, however, is none of your commoner business.

Four days ago, I realized that my divine body has been telling me that something was terribly wrong after my usual treatment of lots of juice and sleep didn't appear to be working. I promptly marched to the Imperial Brother's room, where he and the Imperial Houseboy were engaged in a two-player Bomberman battle on their PSPs, and plopped myself on the bed so they couldn't ignore my commands.

After bidding them to serve my soup, bring my favorite blanket, turn the airconditioning up, no wait its too cold turn it back down, now its hot again turn it back up, and hand me my Ibuprofen which I have been popping like candy, I began giving them instructions, worthless louts that they are, on what to do in case I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Empress: ...and here is my health card, and here is my money, and... you!
Houseboy: Me?
Empress: Yes, you! What's your blood type?
Houseboy: ...O?
Empress: Good. Stay in the palace tonight in case I need a blood transfusion.
Houseboy: Would you like me to call the funeral house as well, just in case?
Empress: Impudent fool! I will not die! I am divine!

I did go to the hospital that night. Not because I was in mortal danger, but because the Imperial Mother called and insisted that I go right away for fear of having caught swine flu while I was in exile. Note that I've been in exile for five months and did not feel ill at all, and have been back in the motherland for almost a month now.

So to the hospital I went, where the physicians took my blood sample. I had to remind the nurse not to spill any blood on my imperially white hoodie as she was drawing some from my arm with a needle. After the lab results came, I was informed that I didn't have swine flu. I was given some antibiotics though that I have to take.

Anyway, the Imperial Consort came over for the weekend and took over the task of caring for me. We had this conversation sometime, I can't really remember when.

Consort: Your Majesty?
Empress: *groan*
Consort: Its my birthday next week.
Empress: *groan*
Consort: What do I get?
Empress: Sex.
Consort: ...Won't you try playing a game of DnD with me?
Empress: Look, if I wanted to dungeon crawl and whack monsters and loot treasure I'd play WoW or something.
Consort: Won't you give me a chance to impress you then?
Empress: Why, are we going to play DnD while having sex?
Consort: ...

Anyway, the Imperial Consort did a good enough job of taking care of me, and now I am more or less well enough to resume my imperial reign of glory. Hopefully I will be able to write more about what's been going on in my imperial life.

...I think I need my Ibuprofen now.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

The Obligatory Level Up! Live 2009 Post

2009-11-10T22:47:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

Apologies for missing yesterday's post for I was suffering from an imperial tummy ache. I basically spent the whole day yesterday lying in bed while groaning in pain. Afterwards, I grew bored so I spent the whole evening playing World of Warcraft while groaning in pain. Not to worry, though, my loyal subjects, for the infidel who poisoned my meal has been caught and duly executed. Moving on.

Every geek (the online gaming kind) who resides in the motherland isn't worth their salt if they didn't attend this year's Level Up! Live, and consequently blogging about it (if they own a blog). So without further ado, here is my obligatory Level Up! Live 2009 post.

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Level Up! Live is the motherland's biggest gathering of online gamers, usually lasting for two days. So why did I grace this year's event with my imperial presence? To play board games, of course! I mean, why else would I be there? I haven't played a single Level Up! game since returning from exile (except for Hello Kitty Online, which I played for one night just to learn the basics so I can teach it to an imperial cousin).

So anyway, the Imperial Ambassador brought his Arkham Horror board game with him, as usual (yes, he actually lugs the entire set with him wherever he goes). He did a re-run of his Zombie Apocalypse scenario, and we would have won too if the convention hall didn't have to close so early. With players rolling successfully even when they're cursed and the Ambassador pulling up relatively weak monsters for us to fight, the tables of despair have turned.

The next day, the Head Imperial Priestess ran a Dungeons and Dragons game, which I of course didn't participate in. I took this opportunity to wander around the convention hall, blatantly ignoring the online gaming tournaments, trying out head gears, eating smuggled food (you are not allowed to bring your own food into the venue, you must instead ingest the crappy food they serve or eat outside the hall), and getting myself into lots of random photos. There was even one where the Seneschal of the Council of Queens and I were wearing identical flower crowns (which I will not post due to imperial security reasons, and yes, I am imperially immune to your "pics or it didn't happen" crap).

Of course, the most exciting part of the weekend happened after the event itself, when majority of the Imperial Council gathered for a grand feast. Much food and merriment were shared, and since one of the many dishes served was fried fish, an Imperial Slave entertained us with lots of fish jokes.

I returned to the Imperial Palace tired but happy, my imperial bag filled with trinkets I bought (or got for free). I have a new shirt that the Head Imperial Bodyguard gave me, and sitting in the imperial fridge is a box of oatmeal bars that the Head Imperial Baker made (that I swiped from the Head Imperial Chauffer's car).

All in all, it was a great online gaming weekend, which barely had anything to do with online gaming and more to do with friendships and creating great memories together.

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

Tummy Ache

2009-11-09T22:34:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I am suffering from an imperial tummy ache.

Regular programming will resume tomorrow.

A Bad Imperial Skating Habit

2009-11-06T00:15:00.001+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

I hate the cold. Why I chose a sport that requires freezing temperatures is beyond me.

So anyway, yesterday I had my first session with my new skating coach. He's not so bad. He just made me skate faster. And jump higher. Oh, and I fell on my ass. And he swatted me on the ass for falling on my ass.

And like all skating coaches, he makes it a point to discourage his skaters from doing bad skating habits. Like looking at the ice. And I look at the ice all the time.

But see, I can explain.

When I was a wee little empress girl, an imperial coach was teaching me how to do my first ever skating jump. It was called the bunny hop. It was simple enough to do, you just have to swing your leg forward then jump with your other leg, making you look like a cute little bunny as you do so.

Anyway, I was doing bunny hops around the rink, excitedly showing off my new skills, when a fool of a commoner accidentally dropped a coin right where I landed my skate. This caused me to dive headfirst on the ice, slide halfway across the rink, and bruise my little imperial ego.

Though the commoner was severely punished, it took me a while to gather the imperial courage to start jumping again. Of course, I always kept checking the ice before I jump from then on.

Just last weekend, while skating in the same rink, an empty juice carton landed right in front of me just when I was about to do a waltz jump. I would have landed on it too if I didn't see it. I just avoided the carton and had the hapless child's homeroom teacher executed for failing to teach proper waste disposal practices.

And this, my loyal subjects, is why looking at the ice is not just a bad habit.

(I will, of course, try my best to stop doing this for fear of being swatted on the ass again.)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

An Imperial Halloween

2009-11-05T00:18:00.005+08:00

2009-10-22T21:50:00.000+08:00

Greetings my loyal subjects!

When I was in exile, the Imperial Brother wanted me to play World of Warcraft with him, because he missed me and wanted to spend time with me even if it was just online (also, he gets a free one month subscription when I upgrade my trial account). Being the kind, loving, and generous sister that I am, I obliged.

I am now going to share to you, my loyal subjects, some of the experiences I had playing this game.

So I decided to try playing a warlock. I shouldn't have bothered coming up with a decent sounding name, because no matter what it is, people will just keep calling me "Lock".

Anyway, even though warlocks aren't as powerful as mages, they do have certain abilities that make them useful in a group.

Priest: "Lock, soulstone me (so they get resurrected in case they die)."
Rogue: "Lock, summon me (because they're too lazy to walk all the way to where the rest of the group was)."
Paladin: "Lock, unlock the cages (because everyone else is too lazy to do it)."

But like I said, warlocks are not as powerful as mages.

Paladin: "Who's our AOE?"
Priest: "Just the lock."
Paladin: "Screw that, let's find ourselves a mage."

Which is why warlocks spend most of their time soloing.

Now the reason why I wanted to be a warlock was because I loved the idea of summoning demons from the nether realms and making them my imperial slaves. The warlock's demon of choice for soloing is called a voidwalker.

My voidwalker is called John Void. Okay, its real name is actually Grak'garth, but that's hardly an appropriate name for the imperial voidwalker, is it?

I call it John Void because I think it resembles one of the motherland's local celebrities.

Isn't John Void handsome?

Anyway, like I said, I spend most of my time soloing, and therefore, I spend most of my time with John Void.

One time, I recieved a quest where I had to kill a bunch of giant insects. I found the little buggers at the bottom of a pit.

I, of course, came up with a brilliant plan: I will jump into the pit, with John Void jumping right behind me, after which I shall unleash a rain of fiery death while John Void makes sure none of them touches my delicate imperial skin.

So I jumped. I landed. I started casting my fire spell. But the giant insects started swarming all over me. Where the hell was John Void? As I watched my hitpoints quickly drop to zero, I saw John Void carefully going down the stairs at the opposite end of the pit.

"DAMN YOU, JOHN VOID!!!" I screamed while angrily shaking my laptop.

It turns out that demons will not jump if they can find a more convenient way to go down.

However, my loyal subjects, despite John Void's aversion to free fall, it's still a great voidwalker and I kinda like him...

...I'm gonna go play some more.

KTHXBAI

Signed,

Her Imperial Majesty

o hai, third world.

2009-10-21T01:39:00.000+08:00

Greetings, my loyal subjects!

To start off, I think an account of my first day back at the motherland would be appropriate.

After crashing the imperial plane at the foot of the imperial mountain last October 17, I thought I'd have my homecoming meal at a fastfood place that can rarely be found when in exile: Chowking. So the Imperial Consort took me to the nearest mall, where the first thing I noticed was the number of people. Seriously, I do not remember the malls to be this full of people. Has everyone in the motherland been breeding like rabbits during my five months in exile?

Anyway, the Imperial Consort and I started walking around the mall, looking for an ATM so we can withdraw cash (because, as the Imperial Consort had to remind me, not all fastfood chains in the third world accept credit cards). We tried the nearest ATM, it was offline. We went to the next one, still no luck. The third one, well, no worries there, we are in the third world after all... By the time we checked all the ATMs in the mall, I was tearing my hair out - every single one of them in the entire mall was either offline or out of service.

All that walking in the hot and humid airconditioned mall made me thirsty, so I wanted to go to Chowking anyway for an iced tea. Of course, I had already expected that the iced tea was going to be half the size of what I got used to (and no free refills). What I didn't expect was the taste. I nearly forgot that brown, sugary water was what passed for iced tea in the third world.

It was time to head for the Imperial Palace, where the Imperial Family awaits. The Imperial Dog was the first to greet me, as usual. Pleasantries were exchanged, presents that were bought while in exile were distributed. And then I wanted to retire to the imperial bedchamber.

I opened the door, and lo and behold, imperial dust descended upon me. Furiously, I summoned the Imperial Brother and demanded an explanation.

"I thought you said you had my bedchamber cleaned?"

"We did. We put all your stuff in there and had it cleaned when you left."

"Then how do you explain all this dust?"

"Well, no one's been in there for the past five months..."

I had no choice but to summon a chambermaid to have it properly cleaned. I also grabbed my towel because I had to attend my homecoming feast in the evening.

"By the way," the Imperial Brother added, "the water pump broke down yesterday, so no showers for you for now."

This caused me to go down on my knees, screaming "WHYYYYYYYYY???", and wishing I could take the next plane back to the first world.

So there I was, on my first day back in the third world, using a commoner's tabo and balde to wash the travel dust (and palace dust) from my imperial body (and because my heater is connected to my showerhead, I had to endure bathing in cold water... I want my bathwater warm and my drinking water cold, not the other way around).

(I had a wonderful night at the Imperial Homecoming Feast though. Thanks to the Head Imperial Chauffer for letting me have my Homecoming Feast on his birthday party ^_^)

Signed,
Her Imperial Majesty

(P.S. The Imperial Seal was created by the Imperial Ambassador)

(P.S.S. Today was my birthday. The Imperial Extended Family brought chicken and pansit, the Imperial Consort brought cake. It was nothing special, I spent the day with the eggbeater in hand and watching over the chambermaids as I made them clean the entire palace. I don't think they're too happy about the Empress returning from exile...)

Greetings My Loyal Subjects!

2009-10-19T21:34:00.000+08:00

After five months of exile, I have once again graced the motherland with my imperial presence. From here on, I have decided to chronicle my imperial life for your reading pleasure. I will discuss just about anything that happens in my imperial life, from my hobbies to work to daily life in the imperial palace.

As you can see, the blog doesn't look like much right now, and due to my lack of artistic ability I can't really do anything about it. Maybe I'll get one of the Imperial Artists to spruce this space up a bit, or maybe I'll just look around the intarwebz for an appropriate, ready-made layout.

I shall start with a short post for now though, as I am still jetlagged and very sleepy.

KTHXBAI
Her Imperial Sleepyhead